[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Did you know that it's Apple Day in the UK?
Apple me! [Apple falls from above and lands on floor. Craig bends down and picks it up.] That actually worked.
Happy Apple Day! Or should I say [speaks in a Cockney accent] 'Ello! 'Ave a good Apple Day then, guvnor. [banjo face] Sometimes my British face is confused with banjo face.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Did you know when you twist off the apple core while saying your ABCs the letter you stop on when it breaks is the first letter of the first name of the person you're gonna marry? Let's try it out. [Twists apple while holding onto the steam. Sings.] A B C D E F G H I [speaks really fast so a lot of letters go together] JKLMNOP [mumbles] S [pulls off stem]. Wow! [Picture of Scarlett Johansson] Scarlett! The dream is still alive. [Eats apple and speaks in British accent again] Blimey! This apple is quite moorish.
I might be offending the British with that kind of talk. Here's an American eating an apple.
Yee-haw! [Takes a bite from apple, throws it behind him. Opens a box of cookies and shoves a couple in his mouth, making nomming sounds.]
Or maybe that's just me. And the Cookie Monster.
Speaking of health care, [shows article] Surgery mix-ups surprisingly common.
Puhleez. Stupid studiers doing stupid studies that are probably way off.
In 8th grade, I had to have eye surgery because I was elbowed in the eye. I talk all about it in an old video. I think it's called Scars. But everything worked out just fine. [His right eye looks down, almost closes, while the other eye looks at camera] I don't see what the big deal is.
So I'm still on vacation right now and many of you in the Moderator said I should go to the zoo. So I think I will. [whale sounds] What's that, whale? [whale sounds] [alligator sounds] What's that, alligator? [eagle squawks] What's that, eagle? I don't care what the eagle has to say.
They have a problem with animals being locked up in cages. True. They are locked up in my apartment but it's for research. They're researching me.
So I'm gonna try to break the animals out of the zoo but I'm gonna need some help. Who am I gonna call? [Leans over to reveal Lamarr standing behind him] Hmm.
[Lamarr:] What about me?
[Craig screams in fright.]
This is Lamarr. [Lamarr sits beside Craig, eating cookies.] He's WilsonTech1 on YouTube. He's gonna help me break the animals out. I didn't know you liked to eat apples.
[Lamarr waves next to the sign for Lincoln Park Zoo]
[Craig, who's filming:] Lamarr! I get to wave by the sign! Why are you waving by the sign?
[Craig waves next to the sign for Lincoln Park Zoo]
[Shot of a tiger. Shot of a rhinoceros.]
[Craig yells to the animal.]] Hey! You wanna get out of here?
[Shot of rhinoceros eating hay.]
Nope. Nope, he doesn't. [Walks away] Didn't say anything.
[Shot of polar bear.]
[Craig stares at polar bear and nods.] 'Sup?
[Shot of polar bear raising his head in a kind of a nod.]
[Craig licks his fingers.]
[Shot of polar bear licking his fingers.]
[Lamarr:] You gonna break it out of here?
Nah. Polar bears are an endangered species. Too depressing. [Walks away]
[Craig stares at something angrily.]
I hate you so much! Oh, I hate you so much! Hate!
[Shot of eagle.]
Hate! I hate you! [Shot of eagle] And I hate you! [Camera pans to another eagle]
[Shot of information about the bald eagle. Closeup of information about its habitat.] I hate your rivers and your lakes and your seacoasts. And your... [reads more information] 6 to 7 feet wingspan. And your... [reads more] endangeredness.
I hate you so much! I hate you! [looks up] I hate you! [points upwards] And I hate you! [looking at eagles at zoo] [The eagle from Craig's apartment swoops down from overhead] Ah, get away! Get away! [Craig waves his arms and runs away] Get away! Get away!
[Shot of a leopard]
Afghanistan leopard. We need to figure it out how to get him out of here. Let me think about it. [thinks for a moment] Got it! Old age and death. That's how he escapes.
[Shot of leopard growling and panting while eating hay] Oh god! That noise is coming from its mouth! [Runs away]
[Shot of ducks in lake]
Hey! I love it when the coffee's done. [Shot of ducks. Lots of quacking. Craig smiles.] You know who hates the water? Aunt Judy! [Shot of ducks. Lots of quacking.] Hey, do you guys like cheese and quackers? [Shot of ducks. Silence.] [Craig clears throat] These ducks are bumming me out. [Walks away.]
There's the alligator pit over there.
[Lamarr:] Yeah? So?
Time for me to go.
[Lamarr:] You're a clone?
Yeah. It's been fun. [Runs towards railing and jumps. Lamarr looks on in horror as we can hear the alligator munching. It looks like Lamarr's going to puke.]
[Viewer:] Ooooooo... [text on screen: 66.65 seconds] [Winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Craig inside at the zoo:] Awwwwwwwwwwwww [Holds this "awww" as shot of animals all sleeping on top of each other. Shot of Craig. Shot of animals. Panst o another animal on a log. Shot of Craig. Shot of animal on log. Animal looks up. Shot of Craig still saying "awww." He stops.] That should've been my Supernote. [walks away]
singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, Scarlett Johansson, headlines, whale tank, alligator pit, eagle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", Aunt Judy, clone, Supernote, wink
Craig talks about his eye injury in the video Scars
ZOO on YouTube