[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Strobe!! [blinks really fast. Waves his hand in front of his face] Haha... This is awesome... for me.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[goes to take a sip of coffee] Holy crap! The coffee's already done! [turns to alternate camera angle] WHAT?! [back to main camera angle. Takes a sip.]
What am I gonna do for today's video? [gasps. Leans over and grabs lamp, tilts it down so lightbulb is poised above his head] Idea!
So as many of you may know, I still don't have the intern....Inter... interstate? Intercourse? Inter... you know, that meshy thing... you use to... to catch large groups of fish... you cast a... fishing pole. Fishing pole. So I still don't have the interpole, but I read at work that violent video games are going to the Supreme Court.
Psh! Puhlease. [blinks fast] Oooh... strobe. [waves hand in front of his face] I really wish you could see this.
I played lots of super violent video games as a kid. And I performed lots of violent acts on my friends. Most of whom are still alive. But that had nothing to do with the violence in video games. I was a boy. I even played Mortal Kombat. Completely unaffected.
[Dramatic voiceover over text on screen: FINISH HIM!] Finish him!
[A clone slides in:] What?
[Craig thrusts his hand in the chest of the clone, grabs the heart out of the clone and laughs maniacally as the clone dies. He spots the heart in his hand (a paper heart)]
What have I done? I'm a monster! [starts to cry in anguish but quickly stops] Oh wait, that's just a clone. Psh. That's fine. I only perform violence on those that I create. No harm done.
Wheezy fact. Clones have paper hearts.
Craig with a Wig played a lot of violent video games.
[Craig with a Wig:] I really related to the people I killed. Lucky.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig smiles] [toy piano key]
It's an old question we've been wrestling with for a long time. How should the government intervene with the relationship between children and media?
I think there's something far more dangerous here that they're not paying attention to. Every day or at least weekday, kids are taking in mediocre comedians on YouTube. Next thing you know they'll be referring to things like description boxes with childish names. Inexplicably jumping around a room. Jump cut. Begging their parents for a pet whale who eats bacon bits. [whale sounds] Oh, I had a salad party last night. Whale's gonna be pissed. Replacing swear words with garments of clothing. Purchasing *shirt*ty shirts with beards on them. Want one? Link in the doobly-doo.
But what do you think? Should the government intervene with the way kids take in media? Or if that's too boring for you, what's the best salad party you've ever been to? I'm really curious cause I just made that concept up. [waves] I'm gonna pretend to walk away now. Bye. [gets up to walk away. sits back down.] You're still here. [long uncomfortable pause]
[Winker puts his hand up to the side of his mouth and wiggles his fingers as he speaks:] Hey Wheezy, let's just say I uploaded a wink for you.
[Clip from previous day's video is superimposed over the winker. Craig puts his hand up to the side of his mouth and wiggles his fingers as he speaks:] Let's just not ever talk like this again.
[Winker winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
I think a salad party would... I think a salad party would just be, like, a potluck but with salad. Best salad party? Naked salad party! What am I... what am I doing? I gotta go to work.
singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, clone, Craig with a Wig, whale tank, *shirt*, merchandise, doobly-doo, wink, outtakes
Youtube Corrupts Children! on YouTube