[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. My band Driftless Pony Club is recording a new bunch of songs today so I don't have a lot of time. So this is gonna be EXPLOSION!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
It's WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY EXPLOSION [does a handstand] EXPLOSION [does a handstand. Whale tank cover breaks. He gets out of the whale tank. Whale sounds] Wednesday.
Handstand without the wall. Was that good enough for you, shaycarl?!! [shows tweet from shaycarl] EXPLOSION! [Shay's picture turns into a picture of Carl Sagan.] Now you're Carl Sagan, a kinder, gentler, less judgmental Carl, who talked a lot about space. Also looks like he might have hung out with Michael Phelps in my whale tank.
[Michael Phelps does his stoner laugh in the whale tank.]
Speaking of space, [shows article] tonight you might see the Perseid meteor shower. It'll look something like this. [shows picture] See, check out the comet. Yeah! [switches to another picture of the sky] Check out that comet! Wait, where is it? [closeup of meteor in the picture] There it is. [Another picture of the sky] Check out this... Wha... [closeup of meteor in picture] Oh, there.
The Perseid meteor shower is named after Perseus [shows statue of Perseus], son of Zeus. He cut off the head of Medu... umm.... apparently himself. [Shows a full view of the statue but there's a black box with the words "Uh oh :o" written on it over his crotch.] He also had a penis. Tee hee hee.
Grow up! Judy!
Let's see. What else we got in explosion news?
[shows headline] EXPLOSIONS! ... Okay, that might work... [shows headline again] Explosions, mushroom clouds - all good for short moss.
Wha? [reads from article] It's not ARMAGEDDON. It's just moss reproduction. [makes a funny sound related to the word 'reproduction.' Laughs. Then stops.] Grow up, Judy!!
[Reads more] On sunny days, scientists now realize, mushroom-shaped clouds routinely EXPLODE out of beds of sphagnum... spagnum.... sphagnum moss.
They have video of the sphagnum explosion. Let's watch it.
[Films his monitor as it plays the video of the sphagnum explosion]
Wow! Powder [movie poster of Powder] may have just been outdone by powder.
[shows headline] Behold, the antilaser. [Reads from article] No one has yet reported building an antilaser, but a theoretical description of one appears in a paper published blah blah blah blah.
Basically, it's a laser that takes away light.
I made one out of this pen years ago. And it really works. [Black comes out of the pen and starts spreading across the frame, replacing part of his bookshelf with black.] Oops! There goes my bookshelf. As if I knew how to read.
That's all I got for today. Like I said, not a lot of time. My band is recording. [Black comes out of the pen, and it replaces Craig's face.] Whoa! Whoop, now I'm gone. As if I knew who I really was.
[Viewer-submitted wink and logo (ding) as outro theme plays]
[Craig sitting with pen. Black has replaced his head and upper body.] So basically I'm just a hand and legs right now. Oop! You can still see my Perseus. Hee hee hee hee. Grow up!!
Wait, should Explosion Wednesday be a thing? The jury's still out on that one.