[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Have you heard the news? It's big. It's real big. Huge big time! Wow! Remember this day. November 23rd 2010. [shows picture] Ashley Olsen died her hair brown. [turns to alternate camera angle] Whaaaaahahaaaa! [bangs toy keyboard behind him] [turns back to main camera angle] [camera pans to date of article] On October 28th. Why am I only finding out about this now? [camera pans down picture to show her scarf] And why does that picture remind me I need to buy a tablecloth? That was kinda mean, but what's she gonna do? [Shot of one of the twins looking tough on Full House] [Shot of Craig looking scared] [Shot of one of the twins looking tough, flexing muscles, on Full House] [Shot of Craig looking scared]
[Shot of one of the twins looking tough on Full House and audio:] You're in big trouble, Mister!
Mary Kate? Hehe. I was just kidding. It actually looks nice.
[Different shot of her on Full House, smiling. Audio of her:] You got it, dude.
[Shot of her on Full House, smiling.]
[Shot of Craig smiling.]
[Shot of her smiling.]
[Shot of Craig smiling] Are we sure they're twins? Kind of an age difference. [Side by side pictures of Mary Kate on Full House and Ashley today]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
In non-Full-House-related news, [shows article] Prince William and Kate Middleton set date and venue for wedding.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait [turns to alternate camera angle] wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait [starts playing toy keyboard behind him to punctuate the 'wait's] wait wait wait [turns back to main camera angle] wait wait wait... England's still has a monarchy? When are they gonna get over that? But it's good to know that the incredibly rich offspring of incredibly rich people are finally rich... with love. Those kids have my vote. No they don't. I'm not British. And it's a monarchy. And I don't know how to read.
All joking and nonsense and murder and lies aside, I wish them all the best. I didn't murder anyone, did I?
I too have found love. The love of the coffee being done, which it is NOW and I love it!
[talking in a funny voice] If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?
That's Yoda doing an Impression of Pee Wee Herman.
Maybe I will, me in the closeup. Maybe I will.
[Gets up and walks towards kitchen as an organ plays 'Here Comes the Bride.' He walks slowly to the kitchen. He comes back, coffee mug in hand. He lifts its veil ... umm, napkin ... off.] Ahh, beautiful. [Takes a sip.]
[whispers] I'm just doing it for the tax benefits.
Well, that about wraps up everything I wanted to talk about today... Oh that's right! Digital zoom! The eagle's got my Supernote trophy! I have to get it back! Alright let's get it. [looks up and sees eagle flying overhead with something in its beak] He's moving too fast. How do I do it? Let's ask Twitter.
[Shows tweet from TheLennyTv:] Dance.
Excellent idea. Okay. [gets up and dances to jazzy music for a few moments]
[sitting again] Ahh, that was fun. Now let's try to get the trophy back.
[Shows tweet from DLJman:] throw a hat at it.
Okay. [Throws hat in the air. The eagle flies by and the hat flies onto his head. He flies off.]
Now he wears an awesome cowboy hat!
[Shows tweet from Katie599:] Give us back the trophy please.
[The eagle flies by again. Poops. When the poop lands on Craig's head, a black box that says 'Censored' appears on the top of his head] There's no reasoning with him.
I got it. Just play along. Did you guys know I speak eagle? [looking up] What's that, eagle? [Eagle squawks.] You think Mary Kate's the uglier of the Olsen twins?
[The photo of Mary Kate looking tough on Full House is in the sky with the eagle. Her audio plays:] You're in big trouble, Mister!! [The eagle drops the trophy and flies off.]
[Craig catches it.] Got it! Ha ha!
[Picture of Mary Kate smiling on Full House:] You got it, dude.
Yeah... yeah... yeah I know. That's what I said.
Team Beard, here's our trophy. [Zelda music plays as Craig lifts the trophy out of the bag. One of the handles on the plastic bag gets stuck on it. Music stops.] Plastic, come off! Plastic, come off! [Craig holds up trophy to triumphant music] Look at that. Shiny. Metal-y. Lung-y. Horn... It has a horn.
It's gonna go right here. [puts it on top of bookshelf next to a globe.] Next to Earth. Where you live. [Back in his chair, Craig points at the trophy.] That is a reminder of our victory, beardlovers. I will hold onto it with pride and great care. [The eagle, still wearing the cowboy hat, swoops down into Craig's apartment and snatches the trophy and flies away.] Cowboy eagle took it, didn't he? Crap!!
[Viewer, all lathered up for a shave, holding razor:] Nooooooo! [Throws razor away. Winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Just a little FYI... you know I still do handstands, right? They're right over here. [points to annotation] Click this annotation to watch the latest one. And if you're on an iPhone, you don't see this annotation. It's not here. It's not here either. [points to a different place] It's not anywhere. That's not my fault! Or is it? [Dun dun dun music plays] It's not.
singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, alternate camera angle, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait..., "I love it when the coffee's done!", eagle, Supernote, Twitter, wink
You Got It, Dude on YouTube