Worst Wheezy Video Ever
|"Worst Wheezy Video Ever"|
|Original Upload date||July 14, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||TheTylerKauffmanShow|
[slides in/singing rug]
This video SUCKS! Here's why. First of all, look at the title. Duh. Secondly, I never said hey beardlovers. Thirdly, the intro doesn't end in a punchline.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Furthermore, we're already 10 seconds in and I haven't even talked about my new couch! [Rolls from back of couch down to the floor] Oh my god, new couch!!
That's right. I'm wearing pajama pants and a suit coat. I'm not even trying anymore.
[Dancing like an Egyptian?] Do a dated dance in a suit coat and pajama pants.
Pajama pants and suit coat, don't forget to rock the vote! Tried to make it into a PSA there at the end.
Let's see, what else? Rhetorical questions alienating the audience.
Glasses reflection. Inconsistent white balance. Glasses reflection. Repeating myself. A general impression that I think I'm better than you because I say things like I'm better than you. Inconsistent background noise because my air conditioning kicked in. Really bad breath because I didn't brush my teeth, which you didn't know about until I just told you. [exhales] The fact that I have failed yet again to foster compromise in the talks to raise the US debt ceiling. [shows article]
This video lacks any substance... besides substance abuse. [Holds up can] Which I guess isn't new.
There was a FIREBALL in North Buffalo [shows article] and I'm mentioning it on a Thursday instead of Explosion Wednesday which I'm not even sure is a thing.
Explosion Thursday is actually a thing but it's a secret thing. Sshhh.
Still, seeing explosions on Thursday is so surreal. [Craig about to take a bite of cereal.] No, not cereal. [Craig rubs his heel.] No, not sore heel either. [picture of an eel over Criag's foot] Or sore eel. [Picture of Prince Charles knighting Ariel.] No and not Sir Ariel.
Too many forced puns.
Also a perfect opportunity that I missed to sing [sings:] I wanna be where the people are, I wanna see, Wanna see them dancing [dances], Walking around on those ... what do you call 'em? [spins and glasses fly off] ... feet.
Can't believe I missed that. Now you don't get to see it.
Sidenote. [A musical note appears on the side of Craig's face] You ever notice how singers put passion into their music these days? You have to start out by imitating a pterodactyl. So it's like rawwr... rawr... I wanna be... raw... I wanna be where the people rawrr...are. Like that.
Other sidenote. [A musical note appears on the other side of Craig's face] I did a Google image search of people who've been knighted. Check out Sir George Tryon. Clearly Bruce Willis isn't telling us something. [Side by side pictures of Sir Tryon and Bruce Willis.] They're not the same person, though, because [shows Wikipedia page] George died when his ship collided with another ship in 1893.
[talking like Bruce Willis] Come out to the coast. We'll get together. [A ship travels through the sea] We'll have a ... not that close together! [Another ship collides with the ship.]
[Sad music/sad face] Now this video's depressing. See? [Craig starts crying] This sucks!
Also this video suffers from a lack of recurring characters. [looks up as eagle squawks and flies overhead.] No! No, you're not in this video! [Eagle hovers overhead] Shut your mouth! Shut your... [Closeup of eagle] Oh, I guess your mouth is always shut. How do you eat?
Another thing that sucks is there's no clones in this video. [Quiet Clone enters in the far background and mumbles quietly.] Not Quiet Clone. [He exits. Sexy Clone enters.] Not Sexy Clone. [He does a sexy turn and walks back into kitchen.] Not Ethel Merman clone.
[Ethel Merman clone enters singing:] There's no business like show business.
[Craig:] NOT Ethel Merman clone.
[Ethel Merman clone:] Okay. [Jumps into alligator pit and yells as he falls.]
I didn't tell him to jump into the alligator pit. [Alligator munches.] Community theatre's not gonna be happy.
And the video ends on a bad cut right in the middle of my statement trying to sum up every...
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Another thing that sucks is that I'm visibly sick of the current outro. [Licks his lips like there's a bad taste in his mouth.] I think it's time for a new one. Not that I don't like it. It's a great outro. But it's kinda old now. You can have too much of a good thing. For example, I love chocolate but, you know, I can have too much of it. Or I like looking at stuff on the internet. [A picture of Scarlett Johansson appears onscreen.] Over and over again, and it's... [sees the picture]... it's... what was I talking about? Oh right, the intro. [Text over his mouth: outro] It can be anything as long as it's no longer than five seconds and it has this melody. [sings:] Wheezy Waiter. You can even use that sound bite if you'd like. It doesn't have to have any lyrics at all, but it does have to have that melody or something close. Just leave it as a video response.
Don't forget to rock the boat! Boat? Don't rock the boat. [Graphic of boat sailing on sea.] That's dangerous. [It capsizes.]
This is the first appearance of Ethel Merman clone.
Worst Wheezy Video Ever on YouTube