Where I Been?
|"Where I Been?"|
|Original Upload date||July 5, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||PushkaCom|
students of the YouTube Creators Institute (see below)
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. twistedbass15 writes [shows comment] "RIP Wheezy." Very funny. Ha ha ha.
Very funny. Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. [Words fly out of Craig's mouth as he sobs: gah hhuh uh]
That's what you say when someone's dead. Could a dead person do this? [slaps himself] Or this? [sticks his finger up his nose] Or this? [sitting, he does the cabbage patch dance.] Well, if they did this, that might mean they were in a coma since the 90s. Or just a bad dancer. Or the handlebars from their bike came off and they probably will die soon.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[still dancing] I would've done pretty well in the 90s.
So I assume you implied that I was dead because I haven't put up a video in a while. I have a wide assortment of truthful, reliable, accurate, and intelligent reasons why this is the case. I also have some dishonest, outlandish, disrespectful, borderline disturbing excuses. You'll just have to decide which one is which.
I had to mount my guitar to the wall. [points to his guitar, which is mounted to the wall.] [suppresses laughter] Grow up. Aunt Judy.
Do my laundry right now. [points at his dryer, which is tumbling with laundry in it.]
Buy this new shirt.
Eat chips and salsa. [Goes to eat but salsa drips down] Agh, my new shirt! Aaagh, I just did laundry!
I had to practice rock paper scissors with myself. [Stands in front of the mirror. Plays rock scissor papers, throwing rock. Sighs. Turns to camera] See? I never win!
[His reflection talks to camera:] Yeah, it's true. It's like we always tie.
[Craig speaks but his reflection doesn't:] Yeah, it's like we're in bizarro world or something. [Craig's reflection shakes his head.] Tying all the time. Weird. It's so weird.
[Craig's reflection:] Weird.
Had to reprimand my clones.
[Craig talks to a clone who is sweeping:] Listen, when I leave the house, you can't follow me around, okay? You got it?
[Clone:] I got it.
[Craig:] And when you sweep, you gotta sweep with the grain. Not against the grain.
[Clone:] I got it.
[Craig:] That's the way I like it. You're not gonna screw this up anymore, are you?
[Clone:] I got it.
[Craig:] Good! Get to the alligator pit!
[Clone:] Okay. [turns and jumps] Aaaaaaaa! [Alligator munches]
It seems like I keep having to do that over and over. There's got to be a better way. I don't know. I guess it's unavoidable.
Had to get a new couch! [Points in one direction and then the other, to his new couch.] [Sitting on the new couch:] New couch!! Yaaay! [lies down and kicks his feet in the air. Sits back up.]
I also went to downtown Chicago to speak at the YouTube Creator Institute.
[slides in/singing rug in front of a table with people (including a clone) around it.] [Title on screen: I brought my singing rug with me.] So beardlovers, I just taught these people how to be the next YouTube celebrities. Right? [looks over his shoulder. Everyone gives thumbs up.]
[Craig:] Did I do a good job?
[Lots of nodding and smiling and thumbs-ups. Craig turns back to camera.]
[Craig:] I'm a very good teacher.
[The people behind Craig now are making no-way gestures and shaking their heads. Craig looks over his shoulder again. They stop.]
[Craig:] You're m.... You're... What are you doing here, clone? Get outta here! [Craig sighs]
You see? You see what I have to deal with?
Also I had to do some very important sleeping. [Craig sleeping in his bed, clutching his dinosaur toy, snores.] Napping. [Craig sleeping on the couch, glasses askew, snores.] Shut-eye. [Craig sleeping in the closet, standing up, holding on to a hanger, snores.] Catching some zzzs. [Sleeping on the toilet, snoring. He reaches behind him, eyes closed, to flush.] 40 winks. [Sleeping in his computer chair with a picture of Scarlett Johansson on his monitor.] Siesta. [Craig sleeping with his head down on kitchen table, a chip in his mouth, chips nearby, an open bottle of salsa next to him.] Slumberland. [Craig sleeping face-down in the street, a woman crosses the street right by him, he snores.] Exercise. [Craig in a tank top, sweatband, shorts, doing leg lifts.] Just kidding, taking a snooze. [Goes from a leg lift into sleeping and snoring on the floor.] And making YouTube videos. Alright, that's what I didn't do.
Anyhoo, I'll try not to be away again for so long. Except when my band goes on tour. Links [text over his mouth: Info] in the doobly-doo. Leaving July 20th. [talking in an Old West accent.] Because it feels good to be back in the saddle. [puts on cowboy hat] Yee haw! Takin' the metaphor too far!
[Viewer sings outro theme and draws video game outro graphic. The artist winks (ding)]
You see? You see what I have to deal with? You see? You see what I have to deal with? You see? You see what I have to deal with?
[Words fly out of Craig's mouth as he sobs: gah hh-uh] [Words fly out of his mouth as he sobs: gah huh] [Words fly out of his mouth as he sobs: gah hhuh uh] There we go.
Eliza Toser is the woman who walks by while Craig is sleeping in street.
Students of the YouTube Creators Institute:
This is the first mention and appearance of the new couch.
Where I Been? on YouTube