Where's the Fire?

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"Where's the Fire?"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 588
Original Upload date November 30, 2011
Running time 0:05:10
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro shadow outro
Wink submitted by ethansmall01
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"I Got New Legs!"
Next →
"For the Dudes"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So yesterday was my mayor's birthday, and today is Mark Twain's birthday. Did you know that he was an imperialist who wanted the American eagle to go screaming into the Pacific? [shows Wikipedia page] But then became an anti-imperialist who was opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land. I agree. Stupid eagle! [Gets up to punch the eagle. Sky above is empty.] Eagle gone. Huh? What does that mean?
Anyway, I wanted to tell you one other thing about Mark Twain, but you're gonna have to get closer. [Camera moves closer.] One of his brothers, Henry, died. Closer. [Camera moves closer.] In a... closer. [Camera moves closer.] riverboat EXPLOSION! [There's no explosion. Looks around.] EXPLOSION! [Still nothing.] COMBUSTION! [Nope.] FLAREUP! FIERY FLAMEBALL! [Still nothing.] Where's the fire?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in explosion news, [shows article and reads headline] Cain BLASTS [no explosion] for... [sighs] Cain BLASTS... What? Let's try another one. [Shows a new headline] Meth lab EXPLOSION in Damascus. [no explosion] DAMASCUS! Uh, oops, I mean EXPLOSION! [Nada.]
What's happening? Where's the explosions? [opens drawer] Not in the drawer. Not in my pocket.
[In the background, a figure enters the apartment:] You won't find them in there.
[Craig:] What?
[Figure in background:] You've got no fire, kid.
[Craig:] Who are you?
[Closer shot of the figure, who's got a blanket wrapped around him and long hair that, falling down over his face, obscures his face. He speaks in a vaguely British accent. Or Scottish maybe:] I'm a clone. [Pulls back his hair to reveal that he's a clone.] Of yours truly. Oh, that's me. Of you. I escaped years ago. Lived with the monks.
[Craig:] What monks?
[Clone:] The... the... the monks. You know, the monks. Whatever.
[Craig:] There are no monks around here.
[Clone:] There's always monks! Come on, let's talk. Make your life good. [Goes to sit down at kitchen table.]
[Craig rolls his eyes but gets up and goes to the kitchen anyway.]
[Clone:] Now then... why do you want explosions? What is it with these explosions?
[Craig:] 'Cause it's Explosion Wednesday.
[Clone:] Is it?
[Craig:] Well, I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it a thing yet or not. I'm testing it out.
[Clone:] No conviction. The fire's gone.
[Craig:] You're crazy, old man!
[Clone:] The fire's gone!!
[Craig:] Also, how can you be older than me if you're a clone?
[Clone:] Remember back when you waited tables? You were skinnier. Spunkier. You actually stood up in your videos.
[Craig:] I still stand up.
[Clone:] Oh yeah? Then do it!
[Craig:] Fine! [Goes to stand up. Groans. Clearly very painful.] Oh god.
[Clone:] [??] very painful to watch my body hurt physically.
[Craig's legs shake under him as he stands. His hands look like claws at he holds them out awkwardly.]
[Craig:] What do I usually do with my hands?
[Clone:] This actually makes my hair hurt.
[Craig grabs his chair, then the table. Sits back down. He's panting.]
[Craig:] It's horrible.
[Clone:] Remember why you made videos in the first place?
[Craig:] Yeah, I remember. It's a dream of mine to entertain for a living.
[Clone:] Correction! WAS! Now you just go through the motions. For the money.
[Craig:] Well, yeah, the money's nice. Cha-ching. Dolla dolla bill, y'all. But that's not the only thing.
[Clone:] Then why are you making out with that dollar?
[Craig is kissing a dollar bill passionately:] Mmm. Oh. [stops] Nothing. There was just a little bit of chocolate syrup on there. I was cleaning it off.
[Clone:] The love used to burn inside you like a candle in the wind. Not in the wind. A candle not in the wind.
[Craig:] I always thought that was acid in my esophagus. But now I can afford Maalox.
[Clone:] Are they a sponsor for this video?
[Craig:] No. Oh man, that would've been some good cha-chings.
[Clone:] You're pathetic. Pathetic! Pathetic!
[Craig:] Oh yeah? I don't have to take this. EXPLOSION!
[The clone stares at Craig. No explosions.]
[Craig:] Oh god. [starts crying] What have I become?
[Clone:] Yes.
[Craig, sobbing:] Sadness.
[Clone:] Yes.
[Craig:] Realization. [cries]
[Clone:] Let the tears come. Let the tears flow.
[Craig cries.]
[Clone:] Might as well end it all. Oh look! There's an alligator pit right there. Haha.
[Craig, sobbing:] You're right. The love is gone. [He gets up.]
[Clone:] Yes. The love is gone. Yes. The love is gone.
[Craig, sobbing:] The love is gone.
[Clone:] The love is gone.
[Craig, still sobbing:] The love is gone.
[Clone:] Yes.
[Craig, sobbing:] I guess when you end up making money doing what you love, the money ends up making you. [sobs] Or something.
[Clone:] Just... [makes a noise like something falling] shoooooooo. Alligator pit.
[Craig, crying:] I guess Mark Twain's birthday is my last day... [stops crying] Wait.
[Clone makes the falling sound again.] Shooooo. Chomp chomp chomp. Dead.
[Craig:] Mark Twain wrote and entertained 'til he was super old. The love wasn't gone for him. And I don't think it's gone for me either.
[Clone:] Boring.
[Craig:] Sure. I may kiss money sometimes but that's because George Washington [holds up a dollar bill] makes for a good-looking older woman. Just look at him! Her.
[Clone:] Gross.
[Craig:] Maybe the explosions are... wait a second. [Putting the dollar back into his wallet.] Maybe the explosions aren't working because I love what I do so much. Maybe Explosion Wednesday failed the test. Maybe it's not a thing after all. Maybe...
[Clone:] Oh, just get it out... [Unwraps the blanket around him. The eagle flies out from under it.] Drat!
[Craig:] Revenge Clone? Stupid eagle! [Punches the eagle who is flying towards him. Eagle spins away from the impact.] Did you see that? I punched it. It was like, BAM! [Explosion] Gasp! Explosions are working! I guess all I needed was a little eagle-hating. The fire might be gone without my nemesis. But the love remained.
[Revenge Clone takes off his wig:] I had you convinced! You woulda jumped if it wasn't for Mark Twain. And I thought I was your nemesis.
[Craig:] Oh that's cute. [laughs. looks at camera.] Clone thinks he can be my nemesis. He's just funny.
[Revenge Clone:] Oh, look! We got a haircut at the same time. I'll make you live to regret not living to regret what I make you do! [Laughs maniacally as he gets up and leaves. Turns back to get his wig.] Oh, this is a good wig. [Leaves]
[Craig:] EXPLOSION! Hehe. Awesome. Still not sure it's a thing, though. But maybe some things do need to change around here. How about a new outro? [Turns to leave the room]
[Wheezy Waiter shadow outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Hey there. Hey. EXPLOSION! Hey! Over here! EXPLOSION! I'm still here! I'm here to bug you again about donating. Now I love money but I love other people to have money too. Please, if you are able, go to dowhateverittakes dot org slash challenge slash 174 and donate. We're so close to 5000 dollars. We need to get to ten thousand eventually, and we will. And we will help end youth homelessness. And I'll sleep in an igloo overnight. And... and self-warmfulness. It looks like over 30,000 people viewed the page. If all of those people donated one dollar, we would have won three times! We would be the New York Giants of philanthropy! The New York Giants won the Superbowl three times. I just spent way too much time looking that up. You can donate any amount, even just a dolla dolla bill, y'all. But you don't have to donate anything. That's fine. [Making puppy dog eyes at camera] Explosion.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Wikipedia, eagle, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, Revenge clone, alligator pit, wink


The wink references the recurring elements of the sad face and banjo face.


This is the first video with the shadow outro.

External links

Where's the Fire? on YouTube