[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers.
[A clone comes out of the kitchen:] Hey, what's up?
[Craig turns to the clone:] Hey, how's it going?
[Clone:] Purpose complete. All done with the chores. Into the alligator pit. [Jumps into the alligator pit]
[Craig:] No! Wait! No! Wait! No! [We can hear the alligator munching]
I thought I was the clone.
Ugh! Don't you hate it when you forget that you're the embodiment of the original DNA for the non-mutational somatic cell nuclear transfer? [shakes head] Well, at least I know now who I am. [banjo face] [serious face]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So. What's going on?
TheLennyTV writes [shows comment] When I look at your windows, I see trees, Wheezy. Do you live in a treehouse?
Very observant, TheLenny. Hey Bruce! Bruce is my switchboard operator who always smells like syrup. I don't know why I told you that. [looks off camera] Bruce! Show 'em the exterior! [Picture of a treehouse] Yep. That's where I live. Arborville. It's a neighborhood in Chicago. This is my neighbor. [Picture of an Ewok] Bagoo bagoo.
That reminds me. I gotta give him a call. [takes phone out of his pocket. Talks into it.] Bagoo bagoo. [Goes on to talk in Ewok language.] [hangs up]
He keeps leaving dead squirrels on his front lawn. They still don't really understand refrigeration.
Yeah, Chicago pretty much segregates all its Ewoks into one village. I live here cause the rent's cheap. Careful where you walk, though. You don't want to get hit by a catapulted rock. [Picture of Ewok toys with catapult]
So in the news today, I found one of those articles where they show you celebrities with makeup and without. I decided I can do that. So I did a little extensive research of my own, and here's what I found.
Marilyn Manson with makeup. [picture of Marilyn Manson]
And without. [Picture of Napoleon Dynamite]
Lindsay Lohan with makeup. [Picture of Linsday Lohan]
And without. [Picture of Goldie Hawn]
Lady Gaga with makeup. [Picture of Lady Gaga]
And without. [Picture of Jason Lee]
That's a bit of a drastic change there.
Whaaat? You think that's mean? Fine. I'll show you a picture of me without makeup. From a few years ago. When I didn't have a beard. [Picture of Johnny Depp] Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe I showed you that.
[Picture of Johnny Depp again] Uggo alert!
But now I'm pretty. [Boing sound as zit is highlighted.] Mmmm.
I hate seeing me without a beard. And I think everyone should have a beard. Bing! [Picture of the beardana] Here you go. Link in the doobly-doo if you'd like one of those.
Hey, remember a few weeks ago when I did a video about how to become famous overnight? No, you don't remember? That means either you're new or you don't watch all my videos. If you're new, welcome. If you don't watch all my videos, that's okay. I understand. [Cries] Why??
Anyway, I referred to the author of that article, Robert Pagliarini, as Pag-LIAR-ini because the title was misleading. It wasn't really about how to become famous overnight but about something stupid like working hard to achieve your goals.
Well, he just wrote a new article. Let's brutally make fun of it, shall we?
[shows article and reads headline] "When Success Doesn't Come Fast Enough." Psh! Yeah, whatever! I don't even know what to believe anymore. Let's get to the meat of it. [shows article and reads from it] Craig Benzine was a waiter in Chicago. [surprised face] Uh, that's... uh... oh yeah, I did an interview with him. And he was a genuinely nice person. If you'd like to read the article, link in the doobly-doo.
It's handstand time.
[Does a handstand. His shirt falls to reveal extremely chiseled abs] Oh dear. I seem to have forgotten to put makeup on my abs. This is embarrassing. [Handstand over. He gets up.]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
So you know that sketch comedy show that I keep telling you about? Well, they put up another sketch on YouTube. [points to clickable annotation] You can click here to watch it. They tell me it stars some really big jerk. Umm... [reading from notebook] Craig Benzine... Hey, that's me! It stars me. Awesome! I'm a jerk? I'm okay with that.
And don't worry, Ty the Regular Guy will return next Tuesday for the conclusion of Season 2.
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, alligator pit, banjo face, comments, merchandise, boinging blemish, doobly-doo, headlines, handstand, wink, fridaynitebYtes
The interview with Robert Pagliarini is here: http://moneywatch.bnet.com/career-advice/blog/other-8-hours/when-success-doesnt-come-fast-enough/1597/
When I was Hideous on YouTube