[slides in/singing rug]
[looks off camera] Alright, listen up, jerks and losers. I'm gonna slide in like this. We play some angelic music. I say something silly and we start the intro. Got it? Ahh! The six or seven warts on my foot are really burning. Thank goodness for my rampant alcoholism to dull the pain, right? [laughs] Whoop, peed my pants again. Wardrobe! I need new pants and a diaper, please. Thank you. Alri.... [notices the camera. looks at it for the first time:] Is the camera on? [looks off camera] No? Okay. You guys need me, I'll be in the other room playing video games. [starts to slide out of frame/singing rug] Just kidding. You know that means I'm smoking crack. [slides out/singing rug]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So I have some exciting news. I hired a whole crew to help me film and edit my videos cause I don't like doing stuff. [banjo face] [looks off camera] And then you put in some banjo music. And then we start the intro. Good? Cool. Strippers here yet? NO?! I ASKED YOU LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO! I CAN'T DO VIDEOS WITHOUT SEMI-NUDE GIRLS IN MY PERIPHERAL! YOU THINK THESE POLES ARE HERE TO HOLD UP THE CEILING?
[still looking off camera] So are we rolling? Are we rolling, idiots? Good.
[to camera:] So in the news, [reads from article:] Get some sleep. Is restless legs syndrome real? Patients complain of strange and disturbing things usually in their lower legs that usually happen only in the evening when they are sitting or lying down.
Now I can attest that this is a real disorder. Sometimes I move my legs around without even realizing it. [Wheezy's leg pops into frame beside him, foot up] Ah! I just put my leg way up in the air, didn't I? [Tickling his own foot] Tickle tickle [giggles] tickle tickle tickle [giggles].
We here at Wheezy Studios care deeply about accuracy. I went through this article very thoroughly and it went on to say... [looks off camera:] Did anyone read this article? I don't have time to read this stupid *shirt*. I'm an important person. Important people don't have time to do things. Like Gandhi. Non-violent resistance. What? Just basically sitting there? I'm like the video blog version of Gandhi.
[still addressing his crew off camera:] So did any one of you nerds read it? You did? Good. Could you write it down for me? Thank you.
[obviously reading off something. reading robotically:] There is a disorder that goes along with RLS which is called periodic limb movement disorder. And it entails... [a piece of paper enters the frame at the edge of the frame] Can you... see the paper? [reading again:] It entails rhythmic kicking while asleep. [smiles]
So let me break down this for you. Basically, there are people who don't get proper sleep because they're involuntarily kicking their legs [title on screen: this guy sux >] while they're asleep. [talks to the crew again:] You know what'd be funny [title on screen: has no friends>] if, like, you put a text on screen and you point it at me and said, like, I'm a genius. [title on screen: pompous moron >] cause it'd be, like, faux arrogance. I'm not... [title on screen: total loser >] I wouldn't actually say that to people out loud even though I really am a genius.
[to camera:] You know what? I really thought this article was going to be more interesting. I only found it because of that picture of legs at the top. You know what? I'm just gonna go to sleep. [talks to crew:] Alright, guys, do the rest of the work. Do everything. And cut out any mention of drugs or strippers or peeing my pants. Speaking of, I need a new diaper. Night. [Craig lies down in bed just outside the frame. We can see his legs kicking into the frame.] Oh crap. Periodic limb movement disorder.
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro graphic can be seen as winker plays outro theme on guitar, drums, etc. Winks (ding)]
[Craig sits down and talks to crew again:] Hey guys, I got an idea. Like, what if, like, at the end of the credits, I do like some sort of like public service announcement and then... and then I say "cut" and then I'm like a total jerk to you morons. [laughs] That would be really funny, right? Okay, let's do it.
[To camera:] Remember to talk to your doctor about RLS. It might help you sleep. Cut. [to crew:] Aww fiddlesticks you guys. You performed inadequately. That was good, right? I didn't come across like too much of a jerk, right? Okay, good. Smell you later, idiots. I hate you a lot. As much as I love myself. [Lies down on bed. Leg kicks into frame.]
singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, headlines, *shirt*, wink
Wheezy Waiter Sux on YouTube