[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today I found in the news...
[shows comment by moondog1997:] Hey, the giant beard on your shelf is bent.
What? [Craig looks at his bookshelf. One side of the giant beard is tilted a little bit.] Oh, that's a bit nitpicky, don't you think? Alright, fine. EXPLOSION! [It's straight now. And on fire.] There. It's straight. But now it's on fire. You happy? [alarm sound] Oh listen, there's the fire alarm. Oh that's just wonderful. [Water starts pouring down from above.] Oh! Hahaha! The sprinkler system kicked in! It's raining on my new rug. That is... [sounds of fire truck sirens] Oh! The fire department's here! Now I've got some explaining to do. Thanks a lot.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig, with his wet hair sticking up, is staring into the camera and not looking happy. He sighs deeply.]
Despite it being Explosion Wednesday, I managed to convince the Fire Department that it wasn't a big deal because I'm not even sure if it's a thing.
Just to be on the safe side, no more explosions today. Deal with it!
In the news today, [shows headline] Sarah Deming, Michigan resident, sues FilmDistrict for misleading 'Drive' trailer. [reads from article] "DRIVE bore very little similarity to a chase, or race action film..." Dramatic pause. [Arrow points to the ellipsis as music faintly plays for a moment. He continues reading.] "Having verly little driving in the motion picture."
Ugh! Uncf! Errr!!!
Misleading things really get my goat! [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Misleading things really get my goat. - Craig Benzine] To be clear, I don't have a goat. [More text appears onscreen: Disclaimer: I don't have a goat.]
I've been burned on it many times. I thought taking the lovable Snow Dogs [poster for Snow Dogs] and putting 'em on a farm would make a great sequel. Straw Dogs is not that movie! [Movie poster for Straw Dogs (the Dustin Hoffman version)]
127 Hours? [Movie poster for 127 Hours] Way too short.
I had no idea what to expect of Zombieland. [Movie poster for Zombieland]
The Pianist? [Movie poster for The Pianist] That was my own fault. I probably shouldn't have rushed to the theatre based on hearsay.
But with Trainspotting [poster for Trainspotting], I knew exactly what to expect.
You know, I hope nobody's misled by Wheezy Waiter. I think it's time I show you the Wheezy trailer, which accurately depicts what Wheezy Waiter's all about.
Here's the trailer. And may all your confusion vanish.
[Green band showing the preview has been approved for all audiences by the MPAA. Music plays. Slow motion footage of Craig walking down the street smiling. Slow motion footage of Craig in his kitchen, smiling. He raises a cookie to his mouth and eats it happily, swinging his head happily back and forth as he chews. He takes another bite, still swaying his head and smiling. He puts his hand to his mouth for another bite but slowly realizes that his hand is empty. He looks stricken as he raises his empty hands. He begins to cry. As music plays, the titles appear: Wheezy Waiter. Coming Soon. And already here.]
[Viewer sings outro theme and winks (strums string on his ukulele)]
Just wanted to remind you that Driftless Pony Club, which is the band that I'm in and not a horse-riding establishment, I don't want to be misleading, is playing a show this Friday at The Subterranean in Chicago. If you're in the area, please come on out. And then we have a show in Milwaukee and Decatur later. Decatur later. Check the info in the doobly-doo. And there's more info about how we'll be on the radio on Friday at 2 pm also.
And another thing. You know that web series I'm in called Platoon of Power Squadron that I mention sometimes? Right here. [Open his shirt to reveal his PoPS t-shirt beneath. Puffs out his chest.] We're currently trying to raise funds for the sixth episode. Info down there for that also. Lots of info today. Lots of it!
And everything should be not not very clear and not not not misleading.
singing rug, beardlovers, comments, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, Craig quotes, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo, Platoon of Power Squadron
Making of 'Wheezy Trailer'
Wheezy Trailer on YouTube
[Making of Wheezy Trailer] (coming soon)