|Original Upload date||March 4, 2010|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||Gaylesking|
[shot of empty room. Craig slowly materializes]
I'm back! And I'm wearing different clothes. Hey bridlovers [text on screen: bridlovers?] I missed you guys. [Starts crying] I'm just... I'm sorry. [Cries]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
I was sent away to a demon dimension for 150 years to be tortured. And I didn't age. By tortured, I mean it was sort of like a health spa. With massages and a pool and a sauna but no internet. [Dun dun dun music] It's like what old people had when they were my age. If they were living in a spa.
Technically, I'm almost 180 years old now. Let's look up news for old people.
Did you know that according to a survey by Careerbuilder, 72 percent of workers over 60 can't afford to retire? [shows article] Also according to that survey, 71 percent don't wanna retire because they're happy with their jobs.
My dad once told me he doesn't want to retire because he doesn't know what he'd do with all that extra time. Psh. I know what I'd do. Four words. The. Legend. Of. Zelda. Every version. All the time.
[shows another article] A kid in South Carolina undertook a two-year mission using social media to help another kid in Ontario beat the game. The kid in Ontario? Blind. [Screen goes black] [We can hear Craig's voice] Is it working? Is it working? [now we have picture again. He is holding the Wii controller but facing away from the TV] Oh. TV's over there. [turns around to face the TV] And it's not even on.
Or maybe I'd bust into a building with my amp and guitar and just rock out. Like Fran and Marlow did at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. Except they played a piano. That was a year ago. Someone caught it on video. [shows YouTube page] Now it has 6 million views. A few weeks ago, they returned and played another recital. [shows YouTube video page] They're the most adorable couple ever. I'm sure there'll be a link in the doobly-doo. If I have anything to say about it. And I have everything to say about it.
They seem very happy to be with each other in old age. As someone who loves himself as much as I do, it makes me wonder if I'm heading in the right direction.
[shows another article] According to a report by the Pew Research Center, retirees who are satisfied with their number of friendships are three times more likely to be happy than those who worry about their relationships. Ah, but see that's no problem because I'm friends with my money. [takes money out of wallet] Whattup Jefferson?
[Voice:] I'm Andrew Jackson.
[Craig:] I mean, An... Jackson... hey what's up, Jack?
[Voice:] Call me Jackson.
[Craig:] Umm... Jackson?
[Takes a five dollar bill out of his wallet]
[Craig:] Whattup, Linc.... oh, I hate Lincoln. [throws bill down]
[Takes out a ten dollar bill]
[Craig:] Hey, whattup, um.... Millard Fillmore?
[Voice:] Alexander Hamilton!
[Craig:] Oh, Alexander Hamilton. Hey ... hey Alex. What's going on?
[Voice:] Oh nothing. Just hanging out in your wallet.
[to camera:] Hamilton's awesome. I'll just make sure to have a lot of tens around.
You know what else is awesome? The iShoe [shows article] being developed by an MIT graduate student. It detects balance problems and sends data via Bluetooth to a computer to be interpreted by doctors.
Well, that's awesome but not that awesome. The Wheezy Shoe has been complete for a while now. [Holds up a prototype. It's a shoe with a pen duct-taped to the bottom on the back and the front of the shoe and a piece of paper over the heel and toe.] State of the art graphing system on the back and the front.
You just put the shoe on. [Puts shoe on] And walk. [Walks around the room] The graphing pens will measure your balance and write it down on the paper. Just take the paper off. [Removes paper from back of the shoe and then the front] Analyze the data. [Holds paper up to camera with squiggle mark from pen] See, there's the back. There's the heel. And the front measurement. [holds up a piece of paper with a squiggle and a rip in the paper as well.] As you can see, I have a slight forward balance.
I'm talking with the insurance industry to figure out the best way to monetize this.
[Voice, offscreen:] Ten dollars!
[Craig, looking down:] Not everything can be ten dollars, Millard.
Also working on a jingle. [holds up toy keyboard] [sings] Wheezy Wheezy shoe [plays a few notes on the toy keyboard]
One more thing. My grandma watches my videos. [turns to alternate camera angle] Hey Grandma, and Grampa if you're watching, sorry if I swear too much sometimes. Love you guys. [turns back to main camera angle, then quickly back to alternate camera angle] Oh yeah! Do you guys have any balance problems or anything? I might have a shoe to sell to you. [sniffs air] I think the coffee's done. [turns to main camera angle] I love it when the coffee's done! [Gets up and runs to kitchen.] Whoa! Stupid forward balance!
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
According to a report by the Pew Research Center... search... According to a report by the Pew Research Center... According to a report by the Pew Research Center... That's impossible to say. Pew Research Center. Pew Research Center.
[Title on screen: What will you do when you retire?]
[Title on screen: How are you spending your retirement?]
Craig materializing at the beginning of this video is related to the end of the previous day's video It's Raining Fish.
Wheezy Shoe on YouTube