Wheezy Pleases No One

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"Wheezy Pleases No One"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 553
Original Upload date September 6, 2011
Running time 0:02:57
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro Video game outro
Wink submitted by AlbinoPearl
Great People
Guests: Ty
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Pavement vs Water"
Next →
"The Clone Family"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. How to exercise. Lift the cheese. [Grunts as he lifts a piece of cheese.] Put on cracker. [Grunts as he puts it on a cracker.] Put in mouth. [Grunts as he puts it in his mouth. Then talks with his mouth full.] Chew. Mmm. Don't forget to take breaks along the way. [Stops chewing for a couple of moments and rests, mouth slightly open. Resumes eating.] Mmm.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Acts like he's chewing even though there's no food in his mouth.] Always remember to do a cooldown. [Pretends to chew some more.]
In other news, I have a new couch! Here's the details.
[Footage of his couch is accompanied by a voiceover:] The new couch features three cushions for the back and three cushions for the butt. Studies show that 97% of humans would rather put their butt on a cushion than a crowbar. [Craig puts a crowbar down where a cushion used to be. Sits on it.] Ouch!
[Still voiceover over footage of couch and Craig.] The bottom portion of the couch features exposed wood to remind you that nature has to die for you to have nice things. [Craig looks off in the distance sadly.] This lovely new sofa is adorned with an assortment of crevices to hide your money [picture of money], firearms [picture of machine gun], wasabi Funyuns [picture of bag of wasabi Funyuns], statues of false idols [picture], and screams of anger. [Craig flops facedown on the couch, burying his face in the couch.]
[More voiceover and footage:] And the couch is encased with red fabric. Made from the finest fabrics. And rednesses. And encasements. And couches.
[Voiceover over a shot of the couch:] Act now. [Text on screen: ACT NOW!] The couch is on sale for the amount of... NEVER! IT'S MINE FOREVER! [Text on screen: price: NEVER! MINE FOREVER!] Or until it starts getting crappy. [The "MINE FOREVER!" on the screen changes to "MINE FOREVER?"]
[Back to Craig]
So that's my new couch. I will never talk about it again. Today.
[shows comment by Wildtigaah] It's NOT a new couch!
What?! Yes it is!
Why do comments gotta be so defiant? I disagree! I disagree forever with all comments.
[shows comment by Thesoggymeatball:] NO PANTS!
Yes pant!
[shows comment by Ingensson] You're a genius man.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite sandwich.
One plus one equals a matter of opinion.
Andrew Jackson was president [shows Wikipedia page which says he was president from 1829 until 1837] of the United States from 1829 to 18..thirty... 6.
[shows comment from Artix994:] Woooaaaaaawww???!!! Ughrm.
I beg to differ.
[shows comment from MrDabloomz] Watching Craig never bores me!
Really? That's great. Check out my new song.
[Plays guitar and, with no expression on his face, begins to sing]
[stops singing] It has a music video too. Wanna see?
[Screen is white. Song plays.] Ahh. Ahh. Ahh. [Picture of Craig making a silly face.] [Text on video: Wheezy Waiter "Ahh Ahh" Alligator Records Directed by Craig Benzine]
I'll stop it right here. It goes on for seven hours.
[shows comment from TheSODsound] Don't trim the beard. [Like he normally does, it seems like Craig is going to mimic the emoticon expression which is this :) but he frowns instead.]
How to trim a beard.
[Music plays]
Step one. [Closeup of razor.]
Grab a blade. [Craig grabs it.]
Step two.
Set to five. [He sets it to six]
Step three.
Scruff that face. [He scruffs his beard.]
Step four.
Shave and cry.
[Music stops]
[Craig starts shaving and crying:] There's beard falling off my face. [As he sobs, words fly out of his mouth. Three this time. So it reads: gah gah gah hhuh hhuh hhuh uh uh uh.] [He sobs again and more words fly out: ah ah ah uh uh uh]
[Still crying] Oh I can't. [Stops.] I can't. Okay. [Resumes.] Oh I can't. [Stops.] No. Okay. [Resumes]
[Craig walks back towards camera. It's dark out.] Oops. Probably shouldn't have kept stopping. It got dark out. That's okay. I still did exactly what you didn't want me to do. Oh hoo hoo ha ha ha. [Evil laugh]
[Shows comment by purplejoj:] Wheezy, make another comments video!!!
[Stops laughing] GRRRR!
You win this round, commenters. Your prize? Another episode of Ty the Regular Guy.
[Ty stands on sidewalk and shouts to camera which is across the street. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title on screen: The Corner]
[Ty walks down sidewalk, towards the camera. He calls out:] Approaching the corner! [Bends down and gets a stick off the ground. Extends the stick out from where he's standing and then peeks around the corner. When he sees no one's coming, he continues on his way.]
[Closeup of Ty. Music plays and titles appear he speaks:] I'm just a regular guy.
[Wheezy Waiter video game graphic is seen in corner and outro music plays over footage of winker speed-drawing Craig. Winker winks (ding).]
[Craig flops face-down in the couch, buries his face in the couch, and yells.]
[Craig scruffs his beard. He scruffs it again.]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, new couch, comments, Wikipedia, song, emoticon expression, flying-words sob, Ty the Regular Guy, wink, outtakes

Related videos

This isn't the first time Craig has talked about beard care or scruffing his beard. See also: Shaving Face
Ty the Regular Guy - Episode 19: The Corner

External links

Wheezy Pleases No One on YouTube
Ty the Regular Guy on Facebook