Wheezy 1 Billion

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"Wheezy 1 Billion"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 226
Original Upload date January 6, 2010
Running time 0:03:22
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro Sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by mangaloverme
Episode chronology
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"Obama Talks to People!"
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"My TV is Thick"



[Craig swings kitchen door closed, revealing himself standing behind it.]
Good morning. It's Wednesday. I just slept all night standing up. Apparently with the light on. And the camera running.
Did you know that sleeping standing up is good for your posture? Take it from me. That was a lie. You're welcome for being honest.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
I read in the news yesterday that Representative Neil Abercrombie is going to step down from Congress to focus on his run for Hawaii governor. No word yet on Fitch. [blinks a few times slowly. looks to the side.] Really? No drums? I'm not even sure they're going to realize that was a joke.
I asked you all to give me mundane comments yesterday and you did. A lot of them. Thank you for the c... [sound of drum rimshot. Craig looks offscreen again.] Really? "Thank you for the c...."? That's a joke to you? Wow.
Thank you for your mundane comments. They were really ... fun? To read?
For instance, flyingmonkeycrap. His comment was [shows comment] "I took a crpa." I think I know what you were referring to, Mr. Crap. A Controlled Radiation Pattern Array antenna. A CRPA antenna includes a non-conductive planar substrate with a plurality of transmission lines disposed on one surface. Or maybe it was a typo, and you were referring to poopie. Either way, ho hum. I poop, like, every day.
Speaking of, I think the coffee's done. [turns to alternate camera angle:] Coffee makes me poopy. [stares] [Turns back to original camera angle] I love it when the coffee's done! [gets up. jumps up in the middle of his room.] Yeah! Alright! [runs in a circle. jogs in place. check his wrist for time. lies on floor and does leg lifts. stands again and does stretches.] Left and left... [Runs into kitchen and back to his chair with a mug of coffee.] Oooh hoo! [sips coffee and sighs] So tired. I always get the most tired right before the coffee's done. Why... why is that?
So the big news yesterday... Google unveiled its new smart phone, the Nexus One, designed to compete with the iPhone. When I hear stories like that, I think, "I can do that." I decided to make the Wheezy One. And then I thought, why stop at one? How about the Wheezy One Billion?
Ladies and gentlemen, the Wheezy 1 Billion. [holds up his phone, which is taped to his laptop]
[talking on his phone] Hello? What's that? You need me a type up a four-page document? Easy peasy! [opens laptop] Full keyboard. Boom!
[talking on phone again] Yeah, I can take dictation. [types a little] Yeah? [swings laptop around to listen to phone again] Uh huh, uh huh. [types some more] Yeah....
Take high res photos, edit video, do pretty much anything a MacBook can do. And the double fold system [closes laptop and closes his phone] allows you to fit it easily in a pocket [putting it in a plastic bag that's hanging out his pocket] if your pocket happens to be a laptop-sized bag. [Craig walks with the Wheezy 1 Billion in a plastic bag hanging from his pocket. He kicks his foot up and smiles as he enters the kitchen.]
Wheezy 1 Billion. Why settle for nine hundred and ninety nine million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine less when you can have a billion?
I'd like to see a video response of you enjoying your Wheezy 1 Billion. Or winking. It's winkin' time. I think this wink was first sent to me around Halloween.
[A drawing of the devil winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
A CRPA antenna includes a plur... planar... ahhh.... [leans offscreen reading something:] includes a non-conductive planar substrate. A CRPA. Controlled Radiation... [looks offscreen] Pattern... Array antenna. A CRPA is a controlled radiation plat... A CRPA antenna includes a planar substrate... [looks offscreen, leans to read] A CRPA antenna includes a substrate ... [smacks his fist into his palm[ non-conductive!! [looks offscreen and reads, pounding his fist into his palm throughout] A non-conductive planar substrate of plurality... with a plurality of transmission lines disposed on one surface. A CRPA antenna includes a... [looks offscreen, sighs, smiles. Burps.]
[Annotation on screen throughout this outtake: Click here to watch this entire 4 minute outtake on my alternate channel.]

Recurring elements

headlines, ill-timed rimshot, comments, alternate camera angle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes

Related videos

The outtake video on Craig's second channel is here: CRPA Outtake.

External links

Wheezy 1 Billion on YouTube