What to do During a Break-In

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"What to do During a Break-In"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 560
Original Upload date September 23, 2011
Running time 0:03:58
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by snowhomie
Great People
Camera work by Craig Benzine
Matt Weber
Guests: Matt Weber (plays the cop and himself)
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"The Sky is Falling"
Next →
"There's Something out There"



[slides in/singing rug]
So beardlovers, let me tell you about the crazy day I'm having. [There's a noise behind him. Looks behind him.] What... what's going on? [Walks over to his front door. We can see the handle jiggling.] I think someone's trying to break into my apartment! What do I do? I'm gonna go check the internet and let you know after the intro.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[As Craig talks, we can hear the door handle still being jiggled behind him. It continues throughout most of the video.]
How to handle a burglary. Step one. Be proactive. [Text on screen: Step 1: Be proactive.] Alright! Let's do it! [Craig gets up and jumps and kicks in the air a little bit.] Ha! What do we do?
Step two. Go to your bedroom and barricade the door. [Text on screen: Step 2: Go to bedroom. Barricade door.] [Starts to get up but sits back down] This is my bedroom. I sleep right here in this chair. I'll barricade with the new couch! [gets up and moves the couch, grunting and crying out as he does so.] Gaaah! Gah! [Puts it down and flops down onto it. Looks towards the door, where the noise is still continuing.]
Okay. Now we're barricaded. Step three. Turn on the lights. [Text onscreen: Step 3: Turn on the lights]
Ha! This'll scare him away! [Craig turns on lights. The noise continues.] I guess that only works at night.
Step four. Call the police. [Text: Step 4: Call the police.] I'll just use my old-timey telephone. [Reaches for an old-fashioned telephone on the wall.] No! Don't use a landline. He could've cut the line or he could be listening in. I'll use my cell phone. [talking on phone] Hello, police? Oh my god! I'm being robbed. [Lowers phone.]
Step five. Arm yourself. [Text onscreen: Step 5: Arm yourself.] [Craig scrolls through photos on his iPhone. Picks one of a knife.] Ha ha! [Holds up his phone] Yeah! Stab stab! Oh wait, duh. [Scrolls to a picture of a machine gun.] There we go. [Sits back down] Ha ha! [shakes the phone. The cocking of a gun can be heard.]
Step six. Scream, jump up and down, tell 'em you've called the police. [Text onscreen: Step 6: -Scream. -Jump up and down. -Say you called the police.]
[Craig stands up and jumps and up and down] Yeah! Woo! Weyaah! I called the police! I called 'em again! [Looks like Craig is dancing or tap dancing. He strums the guitar. Closeup of his feet again, still tap dancing. He scrolls to a photo of a spoon on his phone. Picks up the giant bearded coffee mug, bangs his phone against the mug, which makes the clattering sound of a spoon hitting the mug. He jumps up and down. Yells as he holds up the VHS case of Bravheart.]
[Mel Gibson:] Freedooooooooom!!
[Craig, running in place now, with his feet stomping on the ground, continues yelling. Stops suddenly.]
Step seven. Open a window for an escape route. [Text onscreen: Step 7: Open a window.] [Walks up to a window. Grunts a few times as he exerts himself trying to open it. On his fourth try, he finally does open it a little bit.] That's good enough for now. I moved a couch earlier.
[Lies back down on the couch]
Step eight. Wait. [Text onscreen: Step 8: Wait.] Step eight rhymes.
Now all we have to do is wait for the police to knock. [The sound of the door handle jiggling is gone.] It appears that the burglar has stopped. [talks to himself] Waitin'. [sings to himself] Celebrate good times, come on.
[Knock on the door]
[Voice:] Open up, it's the police!
[Craig:] It worked!
[Craig opens the door. We see him from the point of view of the police officer.]
[Craig:] Oh thank you, officer.
[Police officer, who we hear but don't see:] I heard there was a break-in?
[Craig:] No. You scared him away. [starts to close the door] See ya. [Closes door but opens it again suddenly] Oh wait! Step nine. Make sure the cop checks all hiding places. [Text onscreen: Step 9: Check hiding places with cop.] He could have broken in without you noticing. Come on.
[Police officer:] Alright.
[Craig looks under the couch. Or tries to. There's almost no room between the couch and the floor.] Not under the couch.
[Police officer:] I don't see how he'd fit there.
[Craig, looking in his dishwasher:] Not in here.
[Police officer:] The dishwasher?
[Craig, trying to get around the police officer:] Excuse me.
[They mumble at each other as they're in each other's way.]
[Police officer:] Are you...? What are you doing? Hey!
[Craig, talking at same time:] I gotta get to the fridge.
[Police officer:] Don't touch me.
[Craig:] Excuse me.
[Craig looks in the fridge:] Nope.
[Police officer:] Hmm. I'm bored.
[Craig:] Oh! Check my pocket.
[Police officer:] No.
[Craig:] He could be in here.
[Police officer:] Uh uh. No way.
[Craig:] Check it! Check my pocket!
[Police officer:] Alright.
[The cop reaches for Craig's pocket.]
[Craig:] Go on! Go on! Check it! Oh, can't reach. Alright.
[Craig:] Let's see... Where else should we.. Where else do we check?
[Police officer:] Is that an alligator pit over there?
[Craig:] Oh! Time to go! [Craig opens the front door.]
[Police officer:] Do you have a permit for that?
[Craig:] Thank you, Officer. [Waves goodbye]
[Police officer:] Alright, I guess...
[Craig:] You've been most helpful.
[The police officer walks out the front door.]
{Police officer:] Nice hallway.
Step ten. Call a friend. [Text onscreen: Step 10: Call a friend.] Also rhymes. Ask them if you can sleep over just to be safe. [Craig closes the door but not all the way. Walks away, leaving door unlocked and not closed all the way.]
[Craig flops down on the couch again, talks on phone:] Hey Matt. Listen...
[Matt:] Hey Craig, I can't talk right now. I just had a break-in and I need to call a friend to see if I can stay over. [hangs up, looks around. He's standing near pipes/furnace and water heater and stuff.] I need a new living situation.
[Craig hangs up slowly, looking morose:] I thought I was your friend.
[Dramatic music as the door opens behind him.]
Oh god! He's inside. [We see a person entering. We can see their gloved hands and their legs.]
If the intruder is inside your bedroom, pretend to be asleep. [Text on screen: Step 11: Fake sleep.] [Craig closes his eyes and snores loudly as the intruder slowly moves closer to the couch.]
If he's still coming closer, now's the time to take action. Throw things at him. [Text on screen: Step 12: Throw things.] [Craig grabs the RSS feed pillow and throws it. It hits the intruder and falls to floor.] A pillow was probably not a good choice.
If he's still coming closer [the intruder is right behind the couch] now's the time to attack. [Craig rears up from the couch. We see him from the intruder's point of view.]
Step 13. Strike for the eyes, [makes poking gesture towards eyes] [Text onscreen: Step 13: FIGHT!] the nose [punches], the throat [reaches his hands out. Sound of choking.], and the groin [Sound of a groin kick. We hear the intruder grunt in pain]
[Intruder:] Oh god!
[Craig:] Hey, I know you.
[The intruder, who's a clone in a black hoodie:] I know you.
[Craig:] Why'd you break into my house, clone?
[Intruder:] I'm not a clone. And I didn't break in. I lost my key.
[Craig:] No you didn't. You were burgaly. Why you dressed all in black, huh?
[Intruder:] I work at the community theatre as a stagehand.
[Craig:] Ha! That proves you're a clone! I would not be a mere stagehand. I'd be the star.
[Intruder:] Oh, you're right. [Starts sobbing. Heads for the door. As he sobs words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh haeh heaaah huh heih huh heuhuh eh. Runs out the door.]
That was step 14. Convince burglar of existential crisis. [Text onscreen: Step 14: Induce existential crisis.] [Thinks for a moment] Am I... am I a clone?
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[We can see the camera filming Craig:] Step eight rhymes. Step eight rhymes. Step eight rhymes. Step eight rhymes. Step eight rhymes. Step eight rhymes. Step eight rhymes.
[Craig putting on a shirt:] Now you're filming me putting my shirt on. What kind of video are you making, Matt?
[Text on screen: go to wheezywaiter.com for the making of this video]
[Text onscreen: A Video from the clone's point of view coming next week...]

Recurring elements

alternate POV videos, singing rug, beardlovers, new couch, alligator pit, Stagehand clone, flying-words sob, wink, outtakes

Related videos

The clone's point of view is presented in The Stagehand.
Making of 'What to do During a Break-In'

External links

What to do During a Break-In on YouTube