[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today is official EXPLOSION Wednesday! [long pause with him smiling] No, for real. No joke.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
About that comment I made earlier about today being officially Explosion Wednesday... it's awesome, right?
In explosion news, [shows article] Powell BLASTS Cheney's cheap SHOTS.
Apparently Dick Cheney harshly criticized Colin Powell and other members of Bush's cabinet in his new memoir. Or as the French would say, [speaks in a French accent] les mem [babbles].
I'm super worldly.
Cheney said [shows article] there would be heads EXPLODING all over Washington when his book hits shelves Tuesday.
Whoa. Wow. I think the person who [picture of Cheney] accidentally shot his friend [picture of friend] while aiming for Quayle [picture of Dan Quayle]... I mean quail [picture of Quayle is replaced by picture of quail] ... is the last person I want to hear threatening to EXPLODE heads. [The pictures explode.] Well, second to last. Just ahead of Fran Drescher. I just don't like hearing her talk.
Oh! Third to last. I forgot about Mister Rogers. One, it would be disturbing because it's Mister Rogers. And two, it'd be a talking dead guy.
After some followup research, Colin Powell said [shows article] his head and the heads of others in Washington DC aren't EXPLODING.
Oh thank god.
I hate when heads explode. A lot! [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: I hate when heads explode, a lot. -Craig Benzine]
Good thing Dick Cheney didn't release his book on Explosion Wednesday... [Turns to camera labeled Certainty Cam] which is definitely a thing... [turns his head 180 degrees to another camera labeled Bratty Cam and makes a bratty noise. Turns to main camera angle.] But wait a second... how did Colin Powell know his head didn't explode?
When your head explodes, you're not sure of anything. [These words appear beside him as he says them: When your head explodes you're not sure of anything. -Craig Benzine]
If you're in the Washington DC area, did your head explode? If you answered yes, you're a LIAR! If you answered no, phew. Good on ya, bro.
In other news, [shows article] brilliant meteor lights up the night over Atlanta.
That's awesome. I don't even have anything to say about that. That's... that's just awesome. Maybe there's a song in there somewhere.
[Plays guitar and sings]
Brilliant meteor lights up the night over Atlanta,
I ask if she would like to spend the night,
She says she can't-a.
Then she drives on by,
I guess she lied,
She's with another guy.
Then the meteor flies into their car
And then they both die
In an EXPLOSION.
[Craig turns his head and emits a sob. As he sobs, words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh]
So last week I said 'tune in next Tuesday for another episode of Ty the Regular Guy.' Well, since I'm a stupid jerk, I didn't make a video yesterday, so here's the next episode of Ty the Regular Guy. A day late.
[Ty stands on sidewalk and yells to camera across the street. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title on screen: The Dumpsters]
[Ty walks out of doorway and snaps a white plastic bag open. He drops the wig and hat inside he starts walking. Walking up to a few trash cans, no longer wearing the jacket he was wearing either, he opens one of the trash cans, looks inside, and sighs in exasperation, his head falling back slightly. He throws the plastic bag he's holding into the trash can, takes an item out, balls it up, and throws it away in the blue recycling can. He walks away.]
[Closeup of Ty. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] I'm just a regular guy.
I failed to deliver on time. I'm such a loser. An ugly ugly loser who smells bad. Therefore I'll make Explosion Wednesday a thing, and I'll vow to never kill my clones, and I'll publicly broadcast all of my passwords so you can take all of my...
[Another Craig comes through the apartment door:] Revenge Clone? What are you doing?
[Revenge Clone:] Drat! I mean, you're Revenge Clone!
[Craig:] I'm not the one talking with a whiny voice.
[Revenge Clone:] My voice isn't whiny. It's ominous and foreboding.
[Craig:] No, it's more whiny. You're like a petulant child trapped in a grown man's body. It's quite sad.
[Revenge Clone:] You're quite sad! Explosion! [throws down an exploding pen. The explosion propels him into the sky where he grabs onto the eagle, who's squawking and flying overhead.] Let's go, eagle! To the hideout! Hey eagle, do I have a whiny voice? [eagle squawks in reply] Just as I suspected. I don't speak eagle.
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro graphic with a different outro theme.] [Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Just so you know, I'm not a hundred percent sure if I want Explosion Wednesday to be a thing or not yet. We still have to test it out. But what is a thing is that video on amazon dot com slash intel that we have to get to 200 thousand views so Intel donates 25,000 dollars to donorschoose dot org. We have until September 14th now. You can click the annotation to watch Part 1 but then you gotta watch Part 2 on Amazon dot com slash Intel. Click the blue box.
Also my band Driftless Pony Club covered a song from the They Might Be Giants album Mink Car. It's linked in the doobly-doo. A bunch of different people cover the entire album and all of the sales go to the FDNY Foundation.
In other news, I lost my glasses in Lake Michigan while filming a music video for Driftless Pony Club. No joke. And that kinda sucks, but it's all good 'cause I have a new couch. Woo hoo! [Jumps on the new couch. Immediately naps.]