[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Got a hole in my shirt! [shows the arm of his shirt, which is torn, exposing his elbow] [sings] The elbow, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The elbow is blowin' in the wind. [A smile appears on Wheezy's elbow. It dings as it glints] Did my elbow just smile? That was weird. Better buy a patch. And another toothbrush.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[trying to reach his elbow with his face] Why's it impossible to kiss your own elbow? [notices the camera. Obviously flustered:] Oh hey... what's going... what's up... going... what's going on? What you got going on today?
I'll tell you what I got going on besides this turkey sandwich [holds up sandwich] and [squirming] an underwear positioning problem.
[turns to the other camera angle:] And I'm drunk. [turns back]
I've been reading awesome news about a brand new jetpack. [Shows article] [shows pictures of it] Yeah! That's what's going on! Waa! Jet paaaaaack! I'd totally use that right now if it were in my possession.
[turns to the other camera angle:] And I wasn't so drunk. [turns back]
Let's take a look at the article, shall we? What do you think? Do you want to or not? Decide! This is an interactive video. If you do want to read the article with me, click nowhere and keep watching. If you don't want to read the article, click on the screen now. That'll stop the video. And then you can go do whatever you want. [pause and then happy face] You chose read it!
[turns to the other camera angle:] So wasted right now. Wow! Which camera should I look at cause I see two. [turns back]
[reading from article:] "Bored of jet skis?"
No, they actually remain awesome.
[reading:] "Banana boat rides not floating your boat anymore?"
I don't know... I don't know what that is. Some sort of boat that floats other boats? A boat boat. Genius!
[reading:] "Well, this summer you could be whizzing around on a Jetlev, a new water-powered jetpack."
Don't tell me where and on what I can whiz. And I choose this summer. On a water-powered jetpack. And right now. Somewhere else. Apparently. [looks down and back to the camera a few times] Guess I got a little jetpack of my own. [raises his eyebrows] [audience laughter]
[reading:] "The Jetlev has three main components -- a lightweight carbon fiber backpack, a 10-meter hose and an engine unit which floats on the water."
Man, when I get my jetpack I'm going to fly around every single where ... that is a maximum of 10 feet [title over Craig's mouth: meters] above a body of water. Luckily, that's everywhere in Chicago. There's water covering this city. [shots of snow on the sidewalks and cars] Oh right... yeah... oh wait... that's right, it's frozen.
[Over video of the snowy outside, a title appears and music begins to play. The titles read: Attention citizens of Chicago. I interrupt this Wheezy Waiter video for a public service announcement. STOP SAVING PARKING SPOTS WITH CHAIRS. (An arrow points to a parking spot saved with a chair.) NOT COOL!]
You know what, I can't wait any longer. I'm making my own jet pack. It can't take any longer than text on screen reading a random time that went by.
[Title on screen: 11 minutes later]
I got it! I'm going to take this giant margarita glass that I got in Vegas, hook it to a hose, run down my pants into the whale tank. I don't have anything to strap it to so I'm just going to put it down my shirt. [puts it down the back of his shirt]
[standing] Alright, hose is all hooked up. Here we go. [whale sounds] 3... 2... 1.... [sounds of water. Wheezy giggles.] Oooo! I just invented a portable bidet! [looks into whale tank] Hey, are there baby whales in there? Whale! You had kids? You're a woman? Oop! [Craig starts hopping around] Baby whales in my pants! Baby whales in my pants!
[Viewer-submitted wink with Wheezy shoe (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
So remember me mentioning the band Driftless Pony Club that I'm in? That's the music you're hearing in the background right now. Unless you're hearing your own music in your own head. Then you might need to see a professional. And if you don't remember me mentioning my band, that might mean you're new to this channel. I'm in a band. We're touring in March. We have like ten dates booked right now. I'm going to put that info in the doobly-doo. And it's also on our website, driftlessponyclub dot com.
We're also playing at Playlist Live in Orlando, which is a big YouTube event that takes place March 26th and 27th.
We're also releasing a new album and we have a release show in Chicago April 9th, also linked in the doobly-doo. We're having trouble getting a show in the Atlanta area on March 12th. Wanna help us? Contact info in the doobly-doo.
Now I'm gonna let you know you about a YouTube channel called Sambone Jr. It predates Wheezy Waiter and a lot of the videos have me without a beard in them. Those videos are very weird. Weirder than baby whales in the pants. As they say. And my bandmates Matt and Sam started making new weird and awesome videos. You can click here to go check it out.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go face away from the windows for the rest of the day and try not to think about snow. [turns his head slowly to his left]
[turns to another camera angle:] So drunk. Also, do you know I have an iPhone channel? I'm gonna go ahead and put a link. There it is. [looks around] These walls are white. As snow. Doh!