[Wheezy walks into frame holding a beer and a bottle of Jim Beam] [talking to the bottles one at a time:] You're going to get me drunk. You're going to get me drunk. [sees camera] Oh... what? [checks cellphone] You gotta be kidding me. It's still July?
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under the July calendar intro. 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week...' Mars Volta music plays over the intro.]
[Wheezy wakes up suddenly in his chair, holding a drink]
What day is it? Wednesday? Quadsday? Quadsday isn't a day.
So Pop Culture Tuesday. I saw Batman. I mean, Pop Culture... I mean, Pop Culture Wednesday. I mean, Pop Culture Wednesday. I mean Good News Tuesday.
I saw Batman. [sips his drink] I saw Batman. [sips his drink] That's real good news. It was good. Heath... Heath Ledger was as good as they say. But he was born in Australia and I'm not familiar with that country. He may or may not have sprayed water in his butt. [picture of a bidet]
In other good news, I found out that my city Chicago is one of the top five most walkable cities in the US. [shows headline] [sleeping in his chair. wakes up] You know, that's great because ... uhhh... That is great. I've often noticed a very comfortable walk from my bed to the bathroom. And from my bathroom to my bed. I also enjoy a walk from my car to my apartment, depending on how close I'm parked. But I'm always parked close because I circle around my apartment for a long time until somebody moves. Suppose it also depends on if my segway's in the shop. And it never is. So yeah, I'll usually take my segway from my car to my apartment but then I have to go up the stairs. Thankfully I have one of those carts that take me up the stairs, like that old lady in The Gremlins. That was a pretty good movie too. Did you ever see Gremlins 2? Underrated. A little bit. Do they even have shops that fix segways? It's pretty expensive equipment. Is it even worth it if it breaks down once and then you're done with it?
What was I talking about before? Something...
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
Oh yeah, thanks for the song Ryan. And Lisa, you gotta wink to end this thing.
That's real good news.