[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Laughter makes you happy. Let's laugh together. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Now let's laugh quietly. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha [Explosion]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Ladies and gentlemen, it's definitely WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY EXPLOSION WEDNESDAY! I've decided to make it a thing. [Audience applause] ... Is what I'll say when that happens. If ever.
In explosion news... [shows headline] Former Officers: UFOs Visited NUKE Sites.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait... [shows headline below that one] Dog Poop LIGHTS Up City Park?
Those are both awesome headlines! Which one? Which one do I use? Which one? Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop? [A clone plays the bongos next to Craig as Craig half-sings] Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop? Aliens or dog poop?
What did my mother used to say in these situations?
[Craig at window as his hypothetical mother:] That's a bunch of bull*shirt*.
Close enough. Let's talk dog poop.
[shows article] A street lamp in Cambridge, Mass is powered by dog poop. It uses a device known as a methane digester. "When people throw their poop in the digester, they now know their actions have implications," creator Mazzotta said.
Aw man, I already long for the old days when a good ol' poop throwing was meaningless.
Actually, I can't think of a time when any of my poop throwings didn't have implications.
I thought everyone was cool with it, but people change their minds quickly. They can be so fecal... fickle.
Okay, enough about what goes out. Let's talk about what flies in. To our planet.
[shows another article] UFOs Visited NUCLEAR Weapons Sites, Former Air Force Officers Say. Apparently they make their claims public next week. ICBM officer Robert Salas was witness to a UFO incident in 1967 that, he says, caused a MISSILE disruption at Malmstrom Air Force Base in MONTANA.
I don't know why Montana had an explosion. I guess I just thought there wasn't enough explosions in this video yet even though it's not a thing.
Psh! Aliens don't exist! Okay? I always find these stories ridiculous. The idea that there's something flying up there and... [looks upward] [The eagle flies overhead, squawking. A flying saucer passes the eagle.] Oh my god! Are you kidding me? That eagle's still there? GRR!
[shows article] Speaking of outer space, astronomy's amateurs are a BOOM... I... I mean boon... for... science.
The article talks about two amateur astronomers who observed a FLASH OF LIGHT [buzzing sound as screen turns white for a moment, then image returns, then white again, then image] on Jupiter. [shows article] Which was later concluded by professionals to be an asteroid BURNING up in Jupiter's atmosphere.
Psh! I observe crap on Jupiter all the time. I should be a boon for science.
I just use my telescopic glasses. [Puts on the round sunglasses.] These glasses are kinda multipurpose. [looks up] Let's see. [Image of Jupiter. A flying saucer flies by Jupiter.] Oh... I think... I think I see something. Oh my... ! Yeah! [The eagle flies past.] Urrgh! Stupid eagle! Eat exploding pen! [throws pen upwards] [Eagle, flying overhead, is hit by exploding pen and heads downward.] Got him! [The eagle lands, beak down, in Craig's apartment. Craig stares at it in silence for a few moments.]
Eagle? [Shot of eagle, who's not moving.] Hey, eagle. [Shot of eagle] Eagle! Hey there, eagle! [shot of eagle] Eagle? [shot of eagle] Oh god! [Sad music starts playing as Craig cries, his hand covering his mouth] Are you dead? Oh god! What have I done? [shot of eagle] [Craig sobs] What have I done? Noooooooooo! [Eagle squawks and flies upwards, back towards sky. Craig looks up as eagle flies.] Ah, son of a bitch! [The angry fiery sun enters Craig's apartment and looms over him.] Not you! S-O-N. S-o-n, not s-u-n. Ahh. Hot hot. [The sun retreats.] [Craig's face is red. Really really red.] I'm gonna need some stronger sunscreen.
[Viewer sees calendar as camera zooms in on Wednesday. Viewer:] Oh *shirt*! [House explodes. He's thrown onto grass outside. Winks (ding) and collapses in grass.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
When people throw their poop in they know that... When people throw their poop in, they know that... When people throw their... When people throw their poop in the... When people throw their poop in the digestah.... [A clone plays the bongos next to Craig as he sings] When people throw their poop, when people throw their poop, la la la la la la, when people throw their poop.