[slides in/Western music]
You hear that, beardlovers? That's music from the old spaghetti West because I'm in Tucson, Arizona.
[Speech impediment guy:] Why you not twoothful about weesiding in Tucson Awizona, Wheezy Waitow?
Not truthful? I am in Tucson.
[Speech impediment guy:] Lioh.
No I'm not.
[Speech impediment guy:] Lioh.
[Speech impediment guy:] Lioh lioh wists on fioh.
[Speech impediment guy:] Wists! [points to his wrist]
[Speech impediment guy:] Exactwee.
I'll prove that I'm in Tucson! I'll go outside.
[Craig walks in front of an obvious green screen of a desert] See look? I'm in the desert. Look at the beautiful view. Boy, I'm so hot in this desert.
[Speech impediment clone:] That's a gween scween.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So we've proven without a shadow of a doubt that I'm in Tucson. And you know what? My stretchy arms don't work in the desert. Not enough moisture. [Tries stretching his arm a couple of times. Crackling sounds.] Mmm, I'm so thirsty. Errr, parched. Dry. Depleted. So thirsty. Mmm. [Sped-up footage of Craig drinking a bottle of water.] Ahhhh, that really satisfied nothing. Still thirsty.
So I'm staying with my friend Marcus. Remember him? He's the spy that I blew the cover of when I filmed him and his family. Well, he's here in Tucson right now doing some hardcore spying. If he knew I was filming, he'd probably kill me [Marcus leans into frame] and there he is. I'm running away. [gets up and runs away. Marcus follows.]
[Western music starts up again as Craig runs outside with his hands in his pockets. Marcus exits a doorway. As Craig runs, a shirt flies up to him and he puts it on. A shirt flies up to Marcus and he slips it on over his head as he limps after Craig. A cowboy hat flies up in the air from the ground and Craig grabs it above his head and puts it on. Marcus catches a mustache from mid-air and puts it on his lip. And then he catches and puts on a hat. He's still limping. Craig is still running. He catches a sprig of something in his mouth and runs with it in his mouth. (This sequence up to this point was played backwards.) Now in the hills, Marcus hobbles along, one hand in his pocket. Wheezy runs both hands in his pockets. Marcus walks over rocks.]
[Marcus:] Tarnation. Darn tootin'.
[Craig stops and looks behind him, at Marcus, and continues to run.]
[Marcus:] Sasparilly. Yeehaw!
[Craig is still running.]
[Marcus:] Sorry to tell you this, Red, but the Pony Express is late. Give me a shot of whiskey. Looks like you're a little bit light in the spurs there, Slim.
[Craig is still running, hands in pockets]
[Marcus, laughing:] He he he he he! He he he!
[Craig runs up to a cactus. Marcus leaps out from behind the cactus.]
[Craig, talking in a funny Western accent:] You're good at hidin'. Why are you limpin'?
[Marcus:] Well, that's a long story, sonny. Earlier today I bumped my shin on the table. [Black and white footage of Marcus standing up and bumping his shin on the table.] The end. Doesn't bother me none. Cause I'm fightin' an unarmed man.
[Craig:] What you don't know is before we left I grabbed my fists [Black and white footage of Craig putting his fists into his pockets]
[Portentuous piano music plays as Marcus reacts in horror. Craig shifts his fists in his pockets. Marcus' eyes narrow. Craig's eyes narrow. Shot of Marcus' fist in his pocket. Shot of sprig in Craig's mouth as he twitches a little. Shot of Marcus' mustache. Craig takes sprig out of his mouth and spits. Marcus spits too. Craig spits again. So does Marcus. Craig sputters as he attempts to spit again. Wipes spit off his lip and chin. Shot of Marcus' hand in his pocket. Shot of Craig's hands in his pockets. Marcus' eyes narrow. Craig's eyes narrow. Fast intercutting between their hands in their pockets, their mouths, their eyes, their pockets again, and Marcus wiggles his eyebrows. Craig pulls a fist form his pocket. Marcus pulls a fist from his. They simultaneously punch each other in the face. Western music plays as they fall to the ground. Marcus gets up hooting and runs to hide behind the cactus. Craig hides behind a bush. Popping out from behind the cactus, Marcus pumps his fist a few times. Craig does the same, popping out from behind the bush. They repeat this a few times, pumping their fists at each other while the other hides. As dramatic music plays, they both emerge in slow motion, fists extended, from behind their hiding places. They move towards each other and leap into the air, their fists, in slow motion, make contact with each other in mid-air. Their hands open, fingers extended, as Craig and Marcus fall backwards. Then black.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro can be seen as the winker plays the outro theme on her harmonica. Winks (ding)]
[Craig and Marcus fall on the rocky ground, side by side. They groan.]
[Craig:] Whew, that... that was a good fight.
[Marcus:] Yep. You're really good fightin', that's what I'd say.
[Craig:] Why am I talking like this?
[Marcus:] The desert does funny things to a man. Turns men into boys. Boys to men. ABC BBD.
[Craig begins to sing:] It's so hard to say goodbye to [Marcus joins in] yesterdaaaaaay. Yeehaw!
[Craig:] Let's not fight anymore.
[Marcus:] Let's, uhh... let's give each other friendship bracelets.
[Craig:] I don't want to wear a bracelet.
[Marcus:] It's, ummm... how about we get a necklace and uh...
[Craig:] We don't need a symbol for our friendship.
[Marcus:] We'll get one of them... we'll get of them hearts. And you just break it in half. And I'll wear one side and you wear the other?
[Craig:] Is it gonna be made of chocolate?
[Marcus:] It'll say BFF and it'll be made of dark chocolate.
[Craig:] Mmmm. Alright.
singing rug, beardlovers, Speech impediment guy, wink
Craig talking about Marcus being a spy is a reference to The Spy Who Drugged Me.
True Fist on YouTube