[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Hit it! [Spins in his chair to jazzy music] Yeah! Now I'm... Now I'm dizzy.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig is now sitting in darkness except for the light shining on his face]
Broke my room lightbulb yesterday. Can you tell? Probably not. It's subtle.
[Increases amount of light on his face. There's a loud sound.] There's a storm coming.
[Moves his head towards camera and away, towards camera and away] Is my head moving? Or is the camera zooming? You have no idea. [does an evil laugh]
[from alternate camera angle, we see him holding a lamp to his face and moving his head while doing his evil laugh. Notices the camera.] I guess you... probably have an idea now. [turns back to main camera angle. Puts down the lamp. The light in the room increases.]
Alright I have done 280-some videos and I think it's time to get personal. I wanna talk to you guys about my ex. Governor. Rod Blagojevich. He was fired from Celebrity Apprentice. Can I get a whale cry? [whale sounds] Good job, whale. [shakes bacon bits into the whale tank]
I own a whale. He likes bacon bits. [more whale sounds] And Ranch. [throws a bottle of Ranch dressing over his shoulder and into the whale tank. The whale sounds continue.] What? Garlic now? [throws garlic into the whale tank] Whatcha cooking up there, Rachel Gray? Hehe. Get it? Gray's a type of whale. It was a chef-whale mashup. It's really funny if you think about something else that's funny.
Anyway, I don't want to give off the wrong impression. Rod Blagojevich is a *ding*ing *pants*hole. He becomes responsible for replacing Obama's Senate seat. He tries to sell the seat. He gets impeached. First thing he does that any reasonable American would do if they're having a hard time? Try to go on a reality show.
What's with my mustache? It's like lightning bolts to the beard. [Lightning bolts superimposed over his mustache and a bzzzzing sound]
He admits on Celebrity Apprentice that he doesn't know how to text or e-mail. And he thinks that's fine as a project manager of a large corporation. Not to mention as a human being. [shows article] And some dogs in 2010.
[takes a sip of juice] I'm drinking orange juice from a large container. I need it to fuel my anger.
Now there are a lot of dumb celebrities out there. But what separates Rod Blagojevich from the others, other than complete obliviousness to how dumb he is or unwillingness to ever admit he's wrong about anything ever...
[turns to alternate camera angle] Now pay attention cause I'm super right about this! And everything! Always. [bangs toy piano] [turns back to main camera angle]
... is that I voted for him. I think. It was a long time ago. I just moved to Illinois. If I voted at all, I probably voted for him. And that makes me wrong. Rod Blagojevich is a *ding*ing *pants*hole.
I hate being wrong. But I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! Backflip into the pool.
[Black screen with text: Censored. Due to not actually doing a backflip.] That was some backflip, huh, whale? [whale sounds] Hey eh... swim away, swim away.
[The picture returns as Craig comes out of the kitchen, coffee mug in hand. He gets into whale tank and swims towards camera, holding his coffee cup in the air so it doesn't get wet] Breast stroke. [Gets up and back in his chair] Thank you for letting me talk to you about my ex. [whale sounds] Oops. Picked up the garlic along the way. [Takes the garlic out of his pocket and throws it back in the whale tank] There you go. Heh. Rachel Gray. I'm a genius.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[outtakes:] Now pay attention cause I'm super right about this. And everything. Always. [goes to hit toy piano. Misses it. Glances at it. Hits it.]
Just want to mention the coffee shirts again real quick. They're only available until April 12th, which means you better order them soon or you're never gonna get one. Unless you don't want one. Then you probably shouldn't order one. Cause that would... just wouldn't make sense... for you.
[outtakes:] Now pay attention cause I'm super right about this. And everything! Always. [goes to hit toy keyboard. Misses the keys.] Again?
[Clickable annotation on screen: Click here for my previous rant about Blagojevich.]
singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, Blagojevich, whale tank, *ding*, *pants*, headlines, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes, merchandise
The clickable annotation leads to Lego my Blago.
In the doobly-doo, Craig links to another Blagojevich-related video called (Im)peach.
Trouble with my Ex on YouTube