Tour de Beard 13: The Longest Journey

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"Tour de Beard 13: The Longest Journey"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 208
Original Upload date October 17, 2009
Running time 0:04:55
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro website/youtube outro
Wink submitted by MusicLover10534
Great People
Guests: Matt Weber
Sam Grant
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Tour de Beard 12: Spokane"
Next →
"Tour de Beard 14: The End"



[Sam standing near the Aveo. Matt walks up.]
[Sam:] How far is Minneapolis?
[Matt:] It's about 22 hours.
[Sam:] That's a long way.
[Matt:] Longest we've ever had to throw something.
[Sam:] I'm scared.
[Matt:] We're all scared. But we're just gonna have to train. Harder. Longer. Faster than ever, taco truck.
[Sam:] I've already trained so much.
[Matt:] Yeah. Well, you're gonna have to get ready for the craziest training montage we've ever accomplished.
[Sam:] Right now?
[Matt, looking at back of car:] Wait a second... I think we can put it on top of this thing. [takes sleeping mat]
[Sam:] What?! What are you doing? [Matt opens back door of Aveo] Is this...? [slides sleeping mat into back seat]
[Matt:] Yeah, it fits right here.
[Sam:] I can't believe... It fits?
[Matt:] You don't have to worry about anything. [walks away]
[Sam:] How does that fit? You told me it didn't fit. You made me drink noodle boiler. Mother*ding*er.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey beardlovers.
Let's take a look at the beards. [DPC song plays while Sam, Matt, Justin, and Craig do their profiles and look straight at the camera to document their beard growth in front of a obelisk type statue. Justin pantomimes stroking the statue.]
We just did our longest drive of the tour. Spokane Washington to Minneapolis. 22 hours. We decided to document the trip from both cars. I think it went pretty well.
[In the Fiesta, Craig talks in a funny accent:] This is a nice stretch of road, man.
[Justin, also talking in a funny accent, like Craig's, kind of southern/kind of old timey:] Sure is, man. I can see myself settling down
[Craig:] Yeah
[Justin:] Beautiful wife, maybe settle down near the church...
[In the Aveo. Matt is shirtless and there's a loud noise that Matt is yelling over.]
[Matt:] So when old Biff goes back to 1955...
[Sam:] What?!
[Matt:] And gives young Biff the almanac... the sports almanac...
[Sam:] I can't hear you over the road noise!
[Back to the Fiesta]
[Craig:] It's godless country out here otherwise. We's bound to start thinkin' about the devil.
[Justin:] [unintelligible] whispers in your ear.
[Craig:] The devil could make me want to kiss you on the mouth right now.
[In the Aveo, Matt holds up a jug filled with a yellowish liquid.]
[Matt:] Look at that! 36 bottles nonstop! Never gonna stop! [lowers bottle out of frame]
[Sam:] That's a whole ton of pee.
[Matt:] Yeah, well, you know you don't stop til you get enough.
[In the Fiesta]
[Justin:] And if I had my druthers, I'd pull over to this rest stop right here, get a little bottle of whiskey, get a hotel room...
[Craig:] I like drinkin'.
[shot of gear stick. Justin wraps his fingers around it]
[Justin:] Yeah, me too. Drinkin' is fun.
[Craig:] Drinkin'. Passes the time.
[In the Aveo]
[Sam:] I wanna turn the AC on!
[Matt:] You can't! It wastes gas!
[Sam:] It's so hot!
[Matt:] It wastes gas!
[Sam:] I need to change my clothes! What about... what... can I turn the heat off?
[Matt:] And you can't turn off the heat or the engine will overheat.
[Sam:] I can barely see!
[Matt:] It's okay. Just drive straight!
[In the Fiesta:]
[Justin:] In that hotel room, shut off the lights and just let... let her rip. You know?
[Craig:] What?
[Justin:] Well, I don't know, man. Never mind.
[In the Aveo, Matt is trying to drink from a giant Thermos thing and Sam is yelling.]
[Sam:] AAAAAA!
[Matt:] There's no water in this. What's in this thing?
[Sam:] What are you doing?
[Matt:] What's in this thing? The Thermos?
[Sam:] No! No, don't do that! No! No!
[Matt:] What's in here?
[Sam:] No! Don't open that up!
[Matt:] *ding*! There's snakes in here! Holy *shirt*, man! Why are there snakes in here?
[In the Fiesta:]
[Justin:] Nothing but the sounds of the train coming through every few hours. The wind and the breeze. It's beautiful, man.
[In the Aveo:]
[Sam:] I got them in Tucson. I'm gonna sell their venom for a million dollars.
[Matt:] Oh my god! It bit me!
[Sam starts yelling]
[Matt:] It *ding*ing bit me! *shirt*, man! It bit me!
[Sam:] Snakes! Snakes!
[Matt:] They're poisonous, man. You're gonna have to suck out the venom.
[Sam:] No!
[Matt:] You gotta suck out the venom!
[Sam:] No!
[Matt:] You gotta suck out the venom!
[Sam:] I can't hear you!
[In the Fiesta:]
[Craig:] I heard that, man. And I was listening. It went in one ear and stayed.
[In the Aveo, Matt and Sam are both screaming.]
[Matt:] AAAAAA!
[Sam:] AAAAAA!
[In the Fiesta:]
[Justin:] I'd like to just take my shirt off and play and run over these hills here.
[Craig:] Run for fun? What the hell kind of fun is that?
[In the Aveo:]
[Matt, eating a candied apple:] I'm feeling real weird.
[Sam:] Just keep eating the apple, man!
[Matt:] This apple's pretty good, though. Where'd you get it?
[Sam:] Snake farm.
[Matt:] They have apples at the snake farm?
[Sam:] It's the only place I've stopped the entire time.
[Matt:] I can't move my... I can't move my legs.
[Sam:] My legs feel funny too. It's just from driving.
[Matt, eating apple:] Really, really good. [Apple falls as Matt passes out.]
[In the Fiesta:]
[Craig:] Sorry I blew up at you just now about that.
[Justin:] No big deal. I love you, man.
[Craig:] I love you too. Strictly potonically, though.
[Justin:] Yeah, I platonically love your body.
[Craig:] Hmm.
[In the Aveo, Sam slaps Matt as he drives.]
[Sam:] C'mon, Weber! C'mon, Weber!
[Sam pulls Matt's body out of the Aveo. Drags him across a field. Throws something into the air (in the distance). (The candied apple?)]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[ outro]
[Title on screen: Minneapolis]
[Sam, Craig, and Justin watching TV. "Back in Time" by Huey Lewis is playing.]
[Craig, to Sam:] Where's Matt?
[Sam shrugs, makes 'I don't know' sound]
[Matt walks up to door and knocks.]
[Matt:] Guys, let me in! I don't know what happened but I was in North Dakota and a farmer drove me here.
[Craig:] Shut up! We'll let you in in a couple of hours. We're watching Back to the Future.
[Matt:] Okay.
[Craig, to Justin:] Could you turn it up?
[Justin:] Yeah. No problem. [Justin turns it up]
[Matt:] Okay, I'll just wait here. This is the part where he's riding behind the truck on the skateboard?
[Craig:] Shut up!

Recurring elements

Driftless Pony Club (DPC), tour video, *ding*, beardlovers, beard growth check on Tour de Beard, Back to the Future, *shirt*, wink

Related videos

Sam's reference to noodle boiler is a reference to Tour de Beard 11: Seattle.

External links

Tour de Beard 13: The Longest Journey on YouTube