Greetings nerds and alcoholics. It's June 28th.
Greetings midwives and neonazis. It's June 28th.
Greetings polygamists and hoboes. It's June 28th.
Greetings pals and confidantes. [sings:] Thank you for being a friend.
I guess I'm having trouble defining my audience.
I don't want to call you strangers anymore. I feel like I know you but I don't know what to call you.
Perhaps 'sports racers'? No, that doesn't make any sense.
In the comments, a lot of you want my beard back. So for now I'll call you beardlovers.
No, not beerlovers, you crazy. [drinks a beer]
Yeah, so, about my beard. I've noticed a lot of anger towards me lately. Chill out. The beard's coming back and it's gonna be even better.
LOLRORXXORS says he wants a user-submitted script delivered as if I were reading cue cards.
[speaks as if he were reading cue cards, staring off camera]
Well LOL if you were to so inclined you could perhaps write the episode and send it to me and I would see what I could do. Otherwise it is a snowball chance in purgatory I would ever use cue cards because it does not feel spontaneous enough. So LOL in your face. Ha ha. Danzig.
People also seemed pissed off about that whole merit point mumbo jumbo. So we're not going to do that anymore.
[eating chips and salsa] I've got a new way you can win the Benzine t-shirt. Write songs about chips and salsa. And the writer of the best song gets the Benzine t-shirt. Send it to my e-mail. cgbenzine at hotmail dot com.
Alright, it's serious time.
The inominant blogger asked about tipping. His first question is, is 20 percent good or standard.
20 percent is standard. A server will be a little disappointed if it's less than 20 percent. They'll think you're either a cheapskate jerkwad or you're foreign.
I realize sometimes servers can give poor service, and if you really want to send a message, giving a bad tip is not the way to do it. Servers make below minimum wage. And I ask you, Mister Inominant, if you gave me poor service at your job, how would you feel if I docked your pay? If you really want to send a message, talk to a manager or write it down on the receipt.
Now there are exceptions that would make even me leave a bad tip, such as your waiter resting his junk on your table.
But as a waiter, I've only done that four or five times. So it's rare.
What is that? [starts sniffing around his apartment and himself]
I think I smell a Nate in my apartment. Does that mean ....?
Yes it does. It's time for The Nates I Know.
Nate McGregor is the bartender where I work. He told me he grew up in Denver. [pictures of John Denver] I always wondered what it was like to grow up inside a singer-songwriter and bird kisser. Sadly, Nate can no longer conceal his tall man finger, probably because he found too much sustenance in helium. Don't float away, Nate. His favorite pasttime is waving next to his automobile, but he's all set. He registered in 2004.
[Wheezy the waiter:] Hey there, Nate, welcome to [music]. Can I get you something to drink?
[Nate:] Hello. Welcome to [music]. Can I get YOU something to drink?
[Wheezy the waiter:] I'm the waiter. I'm the one who gets the drinks.
[Nate:] I'm the bartender. Can I get YOU something to drink?
[Wheezy the waiter:] I'm the one who is the one who gets the drinks.
[Nate:] But I'm the bartender. I'm the one who gets the drinks.
[Wheezy the waiter:] Aaaaagh.
[Wheezy the waiter:] Geeeeee.
[Wheezy the waiter:] GRRRR. I'm so angry.
[Craig tries to punch Nate. Nate grabs his fist. Opens the door.]
[Wheezy the waiter:] It's my apartment.
[Nate throws Craig out of the apartment. Craig stands on the sidewalk, confused.]
[Inside the apartment, Nate emerges in the Benzine t-shirt.]
[Nate:] Look at me. I'm the Wheezy Waiter. I have asthma.
[Nate wearing the Benzine t-shirt and Craig's sportscoat:] Get drunk!
[Nate opens a beer, drinks the whole bottle, throws the bottle away, leans into the camera and winks.]
beardlovers, housekeeping, comments, "danzig!", chips and salsa, Benzine t-shirt, The Nates I Know, music replaces the restaurant's name, "get drunk!", wink
This is the first time that Craig calls his audience beardlovers and the first time that someone besides Craig winks.
Craig's comment about calling his audience "sports racers" is a reference to 'the show with zefrank', which Wheezy mentions more explicitly in his video Nothing You Ever Wanted to Know About Wheezy Waiter.
Too Nate Too Furious on YouTube