[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. All this good news is making me SICK!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Life's a series of ups and downs, kid. When you hear a bunch of good news, it's important to remain level-headed. I do it by going like this. [Sticks his finger in his mouth and makes gagging sound] Or this. [Banjo face. Sad face with sad music. Banjo face. Sad face with sad music.]
So what's all this good news of which I speak for to as is but and?
Well, it appears that the situation in the Gulf of Mexico has improved. [shows picture from press conference] Take a look at those happy faces. [shows article] 74 percent of the oil spilled into the Gulf since April has been cleared up.
If oil were slices of pizza divided into eight pieces, I'd only get two!
They're also starting to pour cement into the crippled well.
As a kid, I loved cement trucks. [picture of cement truck] Look at 'em. They're awesome. They got this giant spinny bulbous thing. Actually, I don't know why that's awesome.
I was a weird kid. You know I had an imaginary friend?
[Clone steps into frame:] Hey, are you ready yet?
[Craig:] Not now, clone. We'll play video games in 20 minutes! You know I'm making a video! [shakes his head] He gets worried that I'm not gonna play with him. I don't have any other friends.
In other news, [shows article] California's Prop 8, which bans gay marriage, was ruled unconstitutional by a judge.
As someone who thinks everyone should have equal rights, this is good news to me. Craig with a Wig, how do you feel about it?
[Craig with a Wig:] Gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry. Not because they're gay. Because they're people. I hate people. And I hate love.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns and smiles] [toy piano key]
Hey, here's some potentially bad news. [shows article] 'Secret agent' on a mission: spreading kindness. 'Secret Agent L,' a giver of random acts of kindness...
Oh, actual kindness. I thought it was a virus or something.
Oh, lame lame lame lame lame. Lame lame lame. Lame.
Apparently she packages little gifts like a Starbucks gift card or a roll of quarters and then hides them around the city. I do that all the time with candy wrappers and Gatorade bottles. What's the difference? She puts an e-mail on it? Psh. I can do that.
[Craig is in the street below. He writes on a bag that he then throws to the ground. He walks away.]
If you're like a good person or whatever and you wanna learn more about her kindness, I put a link in the doobly-doo.
All this kindness is like a Disney movie. Speaking of... [shows article] Disney parks raising ticket prices.
[Craig gasps. Fights back tears.] Mickey... Why?
Oh I forgot about what's usually the worst news of the day. My terrible handstand progress. Let's check on that.
[Craig does a handstand.] Handstand in a suit coat. Handstand in a suit coat. [Handstand over]
One of these days, I'm gonna step away from the wall. Perhaps in 2012.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
In other news, California's Prop 8 which gans... gans bay marriage... If you got married in the bay, your marriage is ganned. What's a gan? [shows Wikipedia page] Gan is the creative overforce in the cosmology of the fictional Stephen King universes. So if you get married in the bay, watch out! Gan might be controlling everything. And Stephen King might be there, and he's a distraction. [Picture of Stephen King] Look at how funny looking he is.
singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, sad face, headlines, clone, Craig with a Wig, doobly-doo, handstand, wink, outtakes, Wikipedia
Too Much Good News on YouTube