Tip Your Waiters

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"Tip Your Waiters"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 335
Original Upload date June 21, 2010
Running time 0:03:26
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by ycelests
Episode chronology
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"Millionaire Dogs"
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[Runs into the room.] ...And 50. [clicks stopwatch or something in his hand]
Just did my daily 50 mile jog. Just wait. Sorry, I have asthma. It takes a second to catch my breath. [Breathes in and out] Ah, that's better. Breathing is my thing.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, what I wanted to talk to you about today is...
[Craig in closeup:] Why didn't you slide in?
[Craig in medium shot looks confused.]
[Craig in closeup:] Where's the singing rug?
[Craig in medium shot:] Alright, future comment.
[Slides in/singing rug] That's better.
So yeah, I jog 50 miles a day. I used to be a waiter and would get exercise at my job but now I sit on my butt all day. So I have a vague plan of what I'm gonna do. I'll start small with 50 miles per day. Then 62. Up to 73.5. Back down to 67. Up to 98. Then 107 plus the square root of pi miles. Take a break and get wasted. Do four push-ups and a long jump. Then I'll look like this [picture of a bodybuilder with crazy crazy muscles] and I'll be done. Done with exercise. Then I can move on to other personal things, like calling my parents more.
Speaking of waiting tables, there's a section on CNN dot com called Eatocracy, which is a combinations of the word eato and cracy. Eato refers to Alwyn Eato [shows Wikipedia page for Alwyn Eato], the famous English cricketer who played for Derbyshire [pronounces it derbyshire] between 1950 and 1955. And cracy is a play on the word crazy, which means that the whole section is about being crazy for Alwyn Eato. But for some reason, all they talk about is food.
Anyway, Eatocracy recently posted an article listing some of waiters' pet peeves. And one of them is the difficulty in telling when people are done, because they give mixed signals. I discussed this topic in my first-ever video.
[Shows clip from that video:] I went to grab her plate. And she was like, No! I'm not done!
I kinda just angrily ranted about it, actually. I was a lot more angry back then. Why? Because I was a waiter. And I didn't have you lovely people telling me nice things.
Tell me nice things, or I'll get ANGRY!
Another thing they discussed, you guessed it, tipping.
No, not tipping. [Tips over onto the bed.]
Or tipping. [Takes a sip of beer]
Tipping! [takes money out of his wallet and throws it at the camera] I want my money back. That was just an example. Just an example. [bends down to get it]
Hey, non U.S. citizens, I know you don't know this because I waited on many of you. In America, waitstaff is usually paid well below minimum wage, and they rely on tips. It is a super evil capitalist system, which allows business owners to suck up every penny that they can. [Sucks pennies into his mouth] Mmm. Delicious copper. The source of all my power! The power of being a greedy *pants*hole.
Not all businessmen are greedy *pants*holes. I'm just doing a thing. In fact, if I made Wheezy Waiter a business, I wouldn't even wear pants. I'm not wearing 'em now. Why start?
[Craig stares down. We can hear his thoughts from the thought microphone:] Oh man, look at all that sexy leg.
Oop, thought microphone's on again.
The point is, tip your waiters.
But how much do I tip my waiter, Wheezy Waiter?
Good question. If you talk to a waiter, they'll say the standard is 20 percent. If you talk to the average tourist, they'll probably say 10 to 20 percent. That's a little cheapy weepy but it's better than nothing. If you talk to Craig with a Wig, he'll say shove off. Why don't you tip, Craig with a Wig?
[Craig with a Wig:] I wanna help people out. And denying what I want makes me miserable. And I love being miserable.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [turns head and smiles] [toy piano key]
Liar. You never leave the kitchen.
[Craig with a Wig:] Oh yeah. Never mind.
If you want to tip like I do, look at your bill, round it up to the nearest five or ten, divide it by five, and there's your tip. That's slightly more than 20 percent.
If service wasn't so good, round down to the nearest five or ten, divide by five, and tip that.
If service was terrible, smack 'em! Don't smack 'em. Uh, I don't know. That... that situation's up to you.
But if you find that most service you get is terrible, that probably means you're terrible. So you might want to smack yourself. Don't smack yourself. Just don't go out to eat, jerk. Maybe sleep in more often. It'll help your mood. Also don't hang out with me.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Eato refers to Alwyn Eato, the famous English criti... criticker? Cricketer.
Anyway, Eatocracy recently posted an article listing some of waiters' pet peeves. Pssvss. Vss. Peeves. Pvss...vsvsvs...vuvum.

Recurring elements

breathing being his thing, beardlovers, singing rug, Wikipedia, headlines, *pants*, thought microphone, Craig with a Wig, wink, outtakes

Related videos

Craig's rant about not knowing if diners are done eating is in his first video, you make me feel so dumb.
The following day's video relates to the way Craig pronounces a name in this video. It's called Derbyshire.

External links

Tip Your Waiters on YouTube