[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I hope your day is going well. Pssssh.
No, I didn't mean that. I have this rare condition known as sarcasm hiccups. Pfft. [sighs] No one ever believes me. It's a real condition. Psssh. I'll just... guess I'll just play along.
Hey beardlovers. I hope your day sucks. Pfft. That still didn't sound polite.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey beardlovers. Halloween is just around the corner and I think someone was trying to play a prank on me 'cause they knocked at my door and then I went to the door and I found this [holds up a jar with dirty water and stuff floating in it] on my doorstep with a letter saying it was pufferfish.
Now I love seafood as much as the next guy, but... I'm going to eat all of it later. [puts it down]
So in the news today... [A clone is visible from just offscreen grabbing the jar of pufferfish.]
[Clone:] Oh my god, pufferfish! Nom nom nom nom.
[Clone walks away.]
I'll deal with him in a little while. So in the news today, [shows article] Cell phone 'time traveler' seen in silent film.
This guy named George Clarke put up a YouTube video featuring a Charlie Chaplin movie called Circus. In it, he noticed a person walking on the street [closeup of that person] who appears to be holding a cell phone. The only explanation he can come up with is that this person traveled through time.
This is news? Psssh. That was not a sarcasm hiccup. Ludicrous. Absurd. Don't waste my time. Of course time traveling exists. I just traveled through time two weeks from now. Right, Craig from the future?
[Future Craig slides in/singing rug]
[Future Craig:] Well, nine days, but yeah.
[Craig:] Oh. Well... enough to complete the laundry cycle obviously. [They are both wearing the same clothes.]
[Future Craig:] Yeah, but I didn't do laundry.
[Craig:] Oh. So what's the future like?
[Future Craig:] It's a lot like your world except I know how the Modern Family ends.
[Craig:] I don't even watch that show.
[Future Craig:] Not the show.
[Future Craig:] Oh, and we've achieved world peace.
[Craig:] Oh, that's great!
[Future Craig:] Well, we will once I introduce this glass battery to Nikola Tesla in 1913. It's the only one in the universe. Pure source of energy. Once this is introduced to early industrial society, it will... [drops it. Sound of battery shattering.] Oh god!
[A Craig back in the kitchen shouts:] Wait! Don't pull that battery out! You'll drop it!
[Future Craig:] You're five seconds too late.
[Craig in the kitchen:] Guess it's goodbye world peace. [Jumps into alligator pit] Aaaaaaaa! Oh that's right, I'm not a clone! I'm Craig from the future! [Alligator munches.]
[Craig:] Does that mean I'm gonna die in the alligator pit?
[Future Craig:] No, don't worry about it. You control your own future! [slides out/singing rug] Maybe.
Well, in Halloweenish news, [shows article] Spirit of the dead alive and well in Haiti.
That article talks about a documentary on VBS dot tv that explores the origins of the zombie. Apparently in Haiti there's an old concoction that can get people so close to death it could fool a doctor. Among the ingredients is a chemical that is taken from the pufferfish. Pufferfish? [Creepy music plays] Oh god! [Moaning from offscreen. Craig looks scared.]
[Viewer:] Aaaaaaaaa..... [text on screen: 89.6 seconds] [Winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Creepy music plays and moaning can still be heard from offscreen. Clone walks into frame rubbing his belly. He stops moaning and music stops.]
[Clone:] This pufferfish is delicious. Thank you. [Moans again as he holds his stomach and walks out of frame.]
That clone has a weird way of expressing enjoyment.
So there won't be a video tomorrow. For real this time 'cause tomorrow's a travel day. I'll be in a different city next time you see me and I'm not gonna tell you which one. Oh the mystery. [Sound of something/someone falling over offscreen] Clone? Clone, did you just fall over? Clone, are you a zombie? Of course he wouldn't answer if he was a zombie. [Creepy music plays again.] Oh god! He's a zombie!
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, headlines, time travel, alligator pit, Supernote, wink
Travel and Zombies on YouTube