Time 101

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"Time 101"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 520
2011
Original Upload date June 20, 2011
Running time 0:05:37
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by auparis
Episode chronology
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"Father's Day Song"
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"Doctor Clone"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today I wanted to talk to you about time...
[Another Craig slides in/singing rug]
[2nd Craig:] See? Told you it was before I started.
What the clone? What are you doing here?
[2nd Craig:] No, I'm actually you from the future finishing today's video.
[Craig:] I'm starting today's video.
[Future Craig:] I know.
[Craig:] What are you doing with my laptop? Gimme that. [Grabs the laptop from Future Craig.]
[Future Craig:] No, it's mine! You have one. [Grabs it back.]
[Craig:] It's mine! [Grabs it back]
[Future Craig:] Mine! [Grabs it back]
[Craig:] Mine! [Grabs it back]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves. Alice Bloch [pronounces it Blotch] [As he says this, the words appear on the screen beside him: We say we waste time, but that is impossible. We waste ourselves. - Alice Bloch] Block. Bloke. Bloche? Bloshe?
Lost time is never found again. Benjamin Franklin. [As he says this, the words appear on screen beside him: Lost time is never found again. - Benjamin Franklin] Fronklin?
Saving time is so important that I'm not even gonna finish this sen... It's lunchtime already? Yum yum. [As he says this, the words appear on screen beside him: Saving time is so important that I'm not even gonna finish this sen-it's lunchtime already? Yum yum. - Craig Benzine] Me. Meh?
Beardlovers, when I decided I wanted to make a video, I had to make time. I'd get up, make a video, go to work, come home, have a bowel movement, cry myself to sleep, wet the bed, wake up, and do it again.
Eventually, making videos became my job. So I was like, yay! Now I have time to make my free time so I can make my life not not good.
But once I had more time, I became more ambitious. I would wake up, make my videos all day, have a BM -- I started calling 'em BMs to ST... save time -- then cry myself to sleep, wet the bed, wake up, and do it again.
But when your life is only consumed by creating stuff, that's dangerous. It's important to set aside time to be lifey. Don't let your creations take you away from life because life is what you are basing your creations on.
Also, if you're wrapped up in yourself for too long, you can become extremely arrogant or go completely insane [Craig holds up his iPhone beside him, which is filming him], which I think I've avoided thus far. [turns to his iPhone so his image is on the screen] Ooh, kiss kiss. [kisses the image of himself on his iPhone. Turns back to camera.] Remember to be social.
If you want to be a novelist, how can you write about people if you're never around them?
If you want to be a fashion designer, how can you make people pretty if you're not gawking at pretty people?
If you wanna be an interior designer, how can you know what people want their homes to look like if you're not breaking into homes every night? That's social behavior.
If you wanna be a movie critic, uh, you... you can just stay home. No one likes you.
In order to be able to do these lifey things instead of just the createy things, you're gonna have to learn how to save time.
[Speech impediment guy:] What is wequiwed to gawneh moe houahs, Wheezy Waitoe?
There are a number of ways to save time that I'm sure you've heard of before. Know your limits. Be positive. Don't overthink things. Liquify your food and drink it. Dump your drink over your head and absorb it. [Pours a glass of water over his head] Mmm. I think I think I prefer lemon. [Squeezes a lime over his head.] Yeah, that's good. Mmm. Oh, it's a lime!
Learn how to sleepwork. I'm doing that right now. [Makes a snoring sound even though his eyes are open.]
Upgrade your technology. I've done that. With my old tiny laptop, my life was like this. [Craig typing on his computer, extreme closeup of the little ball spinning. Craig stares at it, getting increasingly upset.] Come on come on come on come on come on come on GRRRR AAAAAUGH! OH GOD! OH, LOAD!! COME ON!!
But now with a better computer, I have more time to do the important lifey stuff that I need like looking at Lolcats. Aww, awww, kittens, awwww, little kitty. [Makes pawing gestures towards his screen, meows, purring sounds, makes fangs and hisses a little.]
I can also shop online for furniture similar to the stuff I saw when I broke into people's homes. Ooh, I saw someone sleeping on that couch once. What a beauty. The couch. Also the person sleeping on it was as well.
And now I have time to watch all my favorite movies online such as the Twilight series... I... I mean, Shakes... Shakespeare movies. Or something.
Wow! This movie's loading faster than Edward Cullen... I mean... Edmund... from King Lear. He was so fast. And he sparkled.
Craig with a Wig, how do you save time?
[Craig with a Wig:] Based on the fact that I don't actually do anything, it's more about wasting time, which is a process I achieve by staring at the table and turning my head to the left and trying to smile.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig! [Craig with a Wig turns his head and smiles.] [toy piano key]
[Craig with a Wig:] Time wasted.
Nowadays I have plenty of extra time for crying. [Words fly from Craig's mouth as he sobs: Gah huh uh.] Laughing. [Craig laughs.] Ambivalenting. [Craig tries to look ambivalent.]
And I can hang out with friends. [Looks at his phone] Hmm. My contact list just says Mom and Subway guy. I don't know if that refers to a person I met at the restaurant or the mode of transportation. I guess I'll call Mom. [Holding phone to his ear.] Should be a fun convo. I haven't called her in a while. She always gets really excited when... [listens for a moment and then pulls phone away from his ear and looks at it.] Hmm. Number no longer exists. The point is, save time, kay?
I was very time-efficient making today's video. I wonder how much I saved. [looks at his phone again] It's actually before I started. Oh crap. [slides out of frame as Craig slides into frame from the right/singing rug]
[Past Craig:] Hey beardlovers. So today I wanted to talk to you about time.
[Craig slides in/singing rug from left:] See? Told you it was before I started.
[Past Craig:] What the clone? What are you doing here?
[Craig:] No, I'm actually you from the future finishing today's video.
[Past Craig:] I'm starting today's video.
[Craig:] I know.
[Past Craig:] What are you doing with my laptop? Gimme that. [Grabs the laptop from Future Craig.]
[Craig:] No, it's mine! You have one. [Grabs it back.]
[Past Craig:] It's mine! [Grabs it back]
[Craig:] Mine! [Grabs it back]
[Past Craig:] Mine! [Grabs it back]
[Craig:] You know what? Let's give it to them so they can save time.
[Past Craig:] Whatever. I'm outta here. [slides out of frame/singing rug]
Anyway, giving away another one of these laptops [Holds up laptop] powered by Intel's Core i5 processor and three one-hundred dollar Best Buy gift cards. Follow IntelEdge on Twitter. Contest ends June 26th.
I hope my past self comes back to start this video or technically it shouldn't exist and I shouldn't be sitting here. Oh! Fading out [Craig starts to dematerialize], fading out, oh no!
[Past Craig slides in/singing rug:] Hey beardlovers.
[Craig rematerializes.] Oh thank god.
[Past Craig:] Just kidding. [slides out of frame/singing rug]
[Craig dematerializes:] Oh no! I'm fading out again! Oh!!!
[Past Craig slides in/singing rug:] Double kidding.
[Craig rematerializes.] Oh thank god!
[Past Craig:] Triple kidding. [slides out of frame/singing rug]
Oh no! Here we go again! Aaaaaugh! [Craig demterializes.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding) and wink (ding)]
[Drilling noises.] UGH! Noises! There are a number of ways to save time that I'm sure [More noises] MMM! Noises! These noises are not helping me save time. [Hammering noises] Don't live in a war zone. That helps.

Recurring elements

101 videos, singing rug, beardlovers, time travel, Craig quotes, Speech impediment guy, Craig with a Wig, flying-words sob, wink, outtakes

Related videos

On his blog, he posted Time 101 Outtakes.

External links

Time 101 on YouTube