[slides in/singing rug]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Sometimes you just got to yell a word to make yourself feel that way. You're feeling sad, just yell EVERYTHING'S WONDERFUL! And if you're feeling ugly, I'm Johnny Depp! Or a young Burt Reynolds. Unless you're a woman. Then you'd say, I'm a female version of a young Burt Reynolds. Ugh. And if you're feeling broke, I'm a successful investment banker. And if you become too much of a douche because you're a successful investment banker, I'm homeless and not by choice. And if you drag a joke on for way too long, I'm hilarious.
So last night I watched a program on The History Channel called America The Story Of Us.
That sort of excludes anyone who wants to watch that's not from America, doesn't it?
E pluribus *ding* you.
Shouldn't it be called, America The Story of Americans and Those That Have Affected America's History Which is Everyone?
That aside, it is a very good show. The British are not portrayed very well, though. Now I kinda feel the same way about British people that I felt about sharks after I watched Jaws. I will not be taking a dip in the UK anytime soon for fear of my leg getting taxed off.
I realize the story of the American Revolution is probably told very differently to those outside the US. If you don't live here, do you even know who Paul Revere is? Cause I think if I didn't live here, I probably wouldn't know. But I'm an idiot. And if I did know, I'd probably hate knowing. Useless knowledge. But I do know cause I am a successful beautiful American. [turns to alternate camera angle:] I'm homeless and not by choice. [turns back to main camera angle]
While watching, I noticed this technique The History Channel uses to hold your attention. Every time it was approaching some sort of major historical event... [Image freezes and dramatic voiceover begins:] And what happened next changed this video forever. [Image resumes] ... they would say something like, [talks in dramatic voice] What happened next changed the world forever.
But, really, you could say that about anything. [Image freezes and voiceover says:] What happened next changed the world forever. [Image resumes.] [Craig picks up his yellow cup off his nightstand and tosses it] I'm changing the world. [Throws his wallet] I'm changing the world. I'm changing the world. [knocks some CDs off his shelf]
That cup, my wallet, and CD cases are not in the exact same place they were before and never will be. Even Craig with a Wig changes the world.
[Craig with a Wig sits at the table. There's a bowl of cereal in front of him. He flicks the spoon into a different position in the bowl.]
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns his head and smiles] [toy piano key]
Now I have something very important to talk to you about. [Image freezes and voiceover says:] What happened next changed the outro music forever. Hopefully starting with the next video. [Image resumes] I'm looking for new outro music. Not a drastic change. I want it to be the same melody and the same length, just different music. You can send it wheezyoutro at gmail dot com or you can make it a video response. [plays guitar and sings outro:] Wheezy... line? I... I don't remember how it goes. You're just gonna have to listen to the end.
Now if you'll excuse me, I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! [Image freezes and voiceover says:] What happened next changed the amount of caffeine in Craig's body for the next several hours. [Image resumes] I just made that face for the freeze frame. I'm hilarious.
[A toddler winks (ding) and says:] Wink! [Winks (ding)] Wink!
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
In the post-outro, let's enjoy some coffee and some bad news. I won't be doing videos for the next three days due to obligations. Sorry. I'll see you guys on Friday.
Here's an example [holds up guitar and clears his throat. Prepares to sing.] I just hit my chin.
singing rug, *ding*, alternate camera angle, Craig with a Wig, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes
This Video Will Change The World Forever! on YouTube