[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's time for the next Wheezy Waiter video. Exciting, I know. You know what? Let's all take a deep breath in preparation. I give you permission. Ready? [Inhales. As he exhales, a giant wind can be heard that blows him backward, as well as the sheets and blankets on his bed.] Whoa! Don't exhale so much! Don't exhale so much!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
I just went out and got my hair styled and now all your exhaling ruined it. [Smoothes it for a millisecond.] Fixed. [Smiles as his hair glints and dings.]
Got a really exciting show planned for you today. [We can hear what he's thinking:] They have no idea that I make this up as I go along. Oh crap. The thought microphone's on again. [Craig looks concerned. His thoughts continue:] Don't think about all your drunken revelry last night that led to the public indecency charge. It's been a while since you said something. You should probably say something. [Craig opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. His thoughts:] Oh no! I forgot how to talk. What do you do? You move your tongue around in your mouth [his tongue moves around in his closed mouth] and you make noises with your vocal cords. [Craig makes an unintelligible noise.] [Craig's thoughts:] Yeah, that worked out just fine. [He nods.]
[Craig makes more unintelligble noises.] I mean, speaking of thoughts, [reads article:] "Researchers create car that can be steered by thought. A person thinks certain commands, such as 'left,' 'right,' accelerate,' or brake.'" Pssh. I invented the mind car a long time ago. That reminds me. Street cleaning today. I gotta move my car. [Craig thinks. We hear a car start up. Craig's thoughts:] Accelerate. Brake. Turn left. Accelerate. I'm kinda hungry. I haven't eaten brakefast yet today. [sound of a car crash] I gotta learn how to pronounce brakefast correctly. [looking out the window] Hey, you rear-ended me, jerk! Oh, he's writing down my license plate. He slashed my tire! Thankfully I have a backup. Oops, no, don't back up!! [Hear a man's cry.]
hehehe. I'm going to go get some brakefast. [Holds up a plate of waffles.] Oh I needed this. Eating really helps me concentrate. [Starts eating his waffles.] [Craig's thoughts:] Food food food food food nom nom nom nom nom food food food food food nom nom nom nom nom food food food nom nom nom boobies nom nom nom.
[Eagle flies into the apartment and right for the waffles.]
Ow, leggo my eggo, eagle! What are you, starving to death?
[closeup of eagle:] *bleep* *bleep*
Wow. Sensitive. What's going on.
[reads article:] Starving eagles fall from sky in Canada.
Oh wow, that is serious. I'm sorry, Pwoitgslfsk. [eagle squawks] You know what? Maybe we can be friends. Let's reconcile our differences. [eagle squawk]
[Craig and the eagle stare at one another for a few moments and slowly draw closer and closer together. It looks like Craig might be seductively preparing to kiss the eagle when the eagle bites him. Craig punches the eagle.] Stupid eagle!
Okay, I've decided I don't hate eagles anymore. I just hate that eagle. I hate how he [title: or she] makes the same noise every time, his [title: or her] wings are always extended, he [title: or she] usually flies from the left to the right, and no matter what angle you look at him [title: or her] you always see the same side of his [title: or her] head. But worst of all, [Craig makes unintelligible noises again].
[Craig's thoughts:] Did I forget how to talk again? I got the point across.
[Lego Wheezy winks five times. wink (ding) wink (ding) wink (ding) wink (ding) wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Guess what, beardlovers? Today is February 25th and you know what is today? The Driftless Pony Club Buckminster album release of my band Driftless Pony Club's new album Buckminster. Hard copies available at dftba dot com and now available on iTunes. [Craig's thoughts:] Did I mention that the links were in the doobly-doo? I can't remember if I mentioned that the links were in the doobly-doo. Well, they can hear my thoughts so I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Boobies.
[Outtakes:] [makes unintelligible noise] I mean, speaking... [makes unintelligible noises] I mean, speaking of thoughts... [makes unintelligble noises] I mean... [makes unintelligible noises] I mean, speaking of thoughts...
101 videos, singing rug, beardlovers, thought microphone, headlines, eagle, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo, outtakes
Thinking 101 on YouTube