[slides in/singing rug]
[Craig's hair is all messy, standing up on end]
Hey beardlovers. My hair's messy, isn't it? I guess I could go to the store. Maybe I could get some gel or perhaps EXPLOSION! [His hair's smooth now] Eh, I guess that'll do. Ooh! Hot face! [waves his hand in front of his face as his face turns really really red] Hot face! Hot face!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Before I start, I'm hungry. I'm gonna EXPLODE me up some potato salad. [Holding a sandwich] Oh, roast beef sandwich! And there's a bite taken out of it? Who did this? Explosion, come here! Explosion, come on!
[The explosion explodes and freezes mid-explosion next to Craig.]
[to the explosion:] Did you take a bite out of my sandwich?
That's explosion for yes.
[to the explosion:] Well, you know what you deserve. You get a watering! [pours water on the explosion and it disappears]
Now I've lost my appetite. No way I'm eating that sandwich. [Takes a bite] Uh uh. Mm mm. [Mouth is full of sandwich] Uh uh. Not hungry at all. I'm eating, aren't I? I didn't even know.
It's WEDNESDAY... WEDNESDAY... [starts to say something a few times but doesn't]... wait for it!... Excitement! Ex...calibur! Ex-wife! Ex...istential! Ex...tended lease agreement! EXPLOSION! WEDNESDAY!
Well, maybe it is. I don't know if Explosion Wednesday should actually be a thing. You don't wanna rush too quickly into these things, you know. People have made mistakes before.
Like, for instance, President Barack Obama. You may have heard of him? Well, when he was running for president, he decided to make EXPLOSION... I mean, his slogan "Yes, we can." [laughs] Probably shouldn't have rushed into that one, On-the-go-bama. Like that? I thought of that one.
What happened? You became the leader of the United States, achieving all of your hopes and dreams and aspirations, and now you have tons of responsibility and you're busy all the time. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Speaking of naps, [leans back and sleeps and snores]
[Wakes] Or, for instance, the U.S. Air Force who [makes air quotes] "accidentally" [shows article] EXPLODED an F-16. Whoops! By [makes air quotes] "accidentally" I mean intentionally. It was part of a test. But if it wasn't, they'd feel really stupid right now. Lesson learned.
Or take for instance the guy who thought it would be a good idea to make a beard his logo simply because he had a beard while he was making online videos.
[Fires burn on Craig's beard:] It's a really hot summer.
Look to the natural growth of the human body as an example of the benefits of not rushing into things. It took my body, like, ten years to decide to grow hair in other places besides the top of my head, and look at how awesome that turned out [gestures to his beard]
[Fires burn on Craig's beard:] Oh my god, you guys, seriously, it's really hot.
I guess I had eyebrows early on too. Sidenote. You ever notice that Whoopi Goldberg doesn't have eyebrows? [picture of her] What does that mean?
If my body would have started growing hair right away, I might look like Robin Williams with a cat taped to his face... after his body being dipped in spirit gum and then rolling around in a pile of other hair.
The point is you shouldn't rush into things before you're sure they're gonna work. Some day, Explosion Wednesday may be a thing. Then again, it may suffer the same fate as Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows. Seriously, where'd they go? What happened?
Time for another rooftop weather report. Take it away, me.
[Craig on the roof:] Well, it's a comfortable temperature. A little bit cloudy. Hey, there's a fiery hole opening in the sky. I think the heavens heard about Explosion Wednesday. Hehe. [Fires rain down on Craig.] Oh god! Aaaaah! I'm not even sure if it's a thing. Auuuugh!
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and winks (chimes and dings)]
Don't worry I survived that fiery rapture. It was just a sprinkle. I wanna let you know about Prank House. For the third week in October, I'm gonna be in a house with a bunch of other YouTube people. From your own home, through the magic of the internet, you can control paint guns that you shoot at us, release wild animals, shock people... Sounds like how I spend my time anyway. If you'd like to participate, follow the link in the doobly-doo. Also, new shirt design in the Wheezy Wardrobe. Something you have never seen before. My face! [points to a new shirt] You've probably seen my face before. Unless you're blind. In that case, I'm really beautiful.
This video didn't have enough explosions. Something should be done about that.
[Camera is filming Craig's roof:] Rooftop explosion jumpkick! [Craig does a jumpkick and an explosion propels him into the sky.]
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, wink, doobly-doo, merchandise
Things Take Time on YouTube