[Wheezy Waiter beard intro fades in onscreen in black and white. Jazz music plays. Dissolves to shot of street in snowy weather. Black and white. The clone from the previous video crosses street and walks down the sidewalk. He speaks in voiceover.]
Today I'm searching for a man. A man that looks a lot like me, but with a wig. Well, I am not a man, and he might not be either. I'm a clone of this man. [footage of Craig sliding in and talking to camera.] Craig. Aka Wheezy Waiter. You see, he clones himself. [Craig sets clock as a clone emerges from cloning area.] A lot. And his clones do his chores for him. [As Craig sets clock on top of bookshelf, the footage of the clone's activities dissolve from one to another: sweeping, wiping fridge, wiping table.] And then rather than feed and house them, he casts them off into the alligator pit. [Clone jumps into alligator pit, yelling as he falls. Craig nods.] Which leads to making new clones. and the cycle continues. [Dissolve to a new clone emerging from cloning area. Dissolves back to Noir Clone on the sidewalk. His voiceover continues.]
I was born... Nay, men are born. I was cloned just yesterday into this weary world.
My first job was to clean the time machine, which is right next to the cloning room. [Noir Clone emerges from the cloning area. Craig points. He enters the time machine room.] My second job was to clean the bathroom. [Craig points to the bathroom as Noir Clone emerges from the time machine area.] As I was doing so, I heard a sound. [Noir Clone sweeps in the bathroom. Hears sobbing.] A pathetic sound. Like a little girl who lost her Barbie doll. [Noir Clone looks out of the bathroom. Sees Craig crying.] It was the whimpers of Craig. Who knew the sound of something so petite could come out of something so huge and gross? [Craig turns suddenly and sees Noir Clone.]
It turns out he lost his friend. Craig with a Wig. [Dissolves to a shot of Craig with a Wig at kitchen table.] I'm told that Craig with a Wig sat in the kitchen. But I never saw him. [Craig with a Wig dematerializes.] I assume he was just another clone who found a wig and somehow won the friendship of Original Craig. I volunteered to find him. [Dissolves back to footage of him walking down sidewalk in snow.]
I really don't care. I just wanted to make myself unique. Useful. Not like the other clones. Perhaps then I could really become a man. I truly believe I was meant for something greater than gator feces. Maybe I'm lying to myself. But aren't the best lies the ones the liar actually believes? And so the search continues.
First, I decided to check with the other clones who got away. The obvious choice was Revenge Clone. A twisted misanthrope hellbent on the destruction of Wheezy Waiter. Maybe he wanted to break Craig's spirit by kidnapping his friend. [Noir Clone heads down to Revenge Clone's lair.] So I asked him.
[Revenge Clone:] Craig with a Wig? He doesn't exist.
[Noir Clone:] What?
[Revenge Clone:] Outside of video, I've never seen him. I don't know anyone who has. Quiet Clone may have seen Craig with a Wig, but he may have said 'Please pass the figs?' You can never hear what he's saying. And we were at a Nabisco themed snack party. There were fig newtons everywhere. So that's probably much more likely. Maybe Craig with a Wig just ran away.
[Noir Clone:] Wouldn't it be too dangerous to risk it?
[Revenge Clone:] What? No! A Triscuit is a square baked whole wheat wafer. Different snack entirely! Though it is Nabisco. And it is delicious.
[Noir Clone:] I said 'risk it.'
[Revenge Clone:] I can't hear anything anymore. I've been hanging out with Quiet Clone too long. So do I get my beer now or what? I'm interested to see what it tastes like over there.
[Noir Clone:] What are you talking about?
[Revenge Clone:] You promised me French Riviera Stout. And that sounds like a creamy, delicious dark beer.
[Noir Clone:] No, I asked if you knew Craig with a Wig's current living whereabouts.
[Revenge Clone:] Why am I talking to you? I need to get my drink on. [Revenge Clone walks away.]
So then I decided to talk to Quiet Clone. Yeah, pretty much what you'd expect.
[Noir Clone walks up to Quiet Clone, who murmurs. Noir Clone rolls his eyes and walks away.]
Next up was Sexy Clone. [Dissolves to Sexy Clone, sitting at kitchen table, shirt open.]
[Sexy Clone:] Oh yeah, I've heard of him. Hear he's got some pretty awesome hair. Though it's fake. Mine's real. Touch it. It's real.
[Noir Clone:] No.
[Sexy Clone:] Go on. Touch it.
[Noir Clone:] Please, it's fine.
[Sexy Clone:] Touch it.
[Noir Clone:] No.
[Sexy Clone:] Touch it.
[Noir Clone:] I don't have to touch it.
[Sexy Clone:] Touch my hair.
[Noir Clone:] No, it's cool.
[Sexy Clone:] Caress my hair.
[Noir Clone:] Alright, fine.
[Sexy Clone:] Caress it!
[Noir Clone starts to extend his hand.]
[Sexy Clone:] Touch it! Yeah. Caress it! Touch it! Touch it!
[Extreme closeup of Noir Clone touching Sexy Clone's hair.]
[Sexy Clone:] Yeah. It's pretty great, isn't it?
[Noir Clone:] Yeah, it's great, but you know it is fake.
[Sexy Clone:] What are you talking about? I'm not a mwoash.
[Noir Clone:] Hmm? Mwoash?
[Sexy Clone:] Man With Ostentatious Albeit Sexy Hair. Mwoash.
[Noir Clone:] I know, but your hair is a clone. Like mine.
[Sexy Clone gasps audibly:] Agh! Oh man, now I have some soul-searching to do. You're a real downer. [Sexy Clone walks away]
What was I going to do? Nobody knew where Craig with a Wig was. Apparently they had never even seen him. [Noir Clone sees the wig on a kitchen chair. Picks it up.] Something wasn't right.
I decided to review old footage of Craig with a Wig. [Noir Clone sits at computer and watches footage, his face reflected in the monitor.] Wow. Much like me, he was a real downer. If only I could talk to him... Find out what makes him tick. Tock. Tick... tock... tick... [gasps] The time machine. [Light is cast onto the time machine door. Dissolves to Noir Clone going into time machine room.]
[Title onscreen: To be continued...]
film noir video, Noir clone, clone, alligator pit, time travel, Craig with a Wig, Revenge clone, Quiet clone, Sexy clone
This is the first part of a film noir trilogy that is continued in Tick Tock and The Wig Sleep.
The Wigged Man on YouTube