The Wheezy Identity

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"The Wheezy Identity"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 438
Original Upload date December 24, 2010
Running time 0:04:44
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by doh1126
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"EXPLOSION: The Musical"
Next →
"One Take Waiter (for real)"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. What's that that I'm pretending that you asked? What did someone write in the comments? Well, SlackersJournal wrote [shows comment] I'm watch these video under the assumption that the original Craig died a long time ago and the clones just haven't figured it out.
Pfft. Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm the original Craig.
[Another Craig leans into frame:] Hey clone, get to the alligator pit!
Oh that's right. [Jumps into alligator pit]
Clones are so dumb. It's good to be original.
[Another Craig leans into frame:] Alligator pit. Now.
Oh right. [Jumps into alligator pit:] I'm done.
I wish the clones would remember they're clones.
[Another Craig leans into frame:] Get to the alligator pit.
Absolutely. [Jumps into alligator pit.]
Okay, you're probably confused. I'm absolutely the original Craig.
[Another Craig leans into frame:] Get the alligator pit.
No. You!
[The other Craig:] Oh yeah, that's right. [Jumps into the alligator pit]
I wish my clothes wouldn't clone along with me. It'd be a lot less confusing.
[Clone calls from alligator pit:] The alligator's not hungry anymore. It's boring down here. Can I get something to read?
[Craig:] Alright. Here you go. [Tosses a book into the alligator pit.]
[Clone:] Poetry? I want to read fiction. Oh wait, nevermind! [Alligator munches.] He's hungry. Augh!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hello. Welcome to after the opening credit. How are you today? What's the matter? You seem very not in the same location as me and in the future. Hmm. Guess I'll look at the comments. MikmyRC writes {shows comment] AHHH! GOLD TEETH! [Craig mimics the emoticon at the end of the comment which is this one XD ]
That's right. i used to grind my teeth in my sleep and now I have gold caps. Let's check 'em out. [Opens mouth. A picture of Linda Blair from Exorcist flashes inside his mouth for a moment as music from Psycho plays. When he closes his mouth, the music stops. Opens it again and Linda Blair and scary music returns. Shuts his mouth.] Hmm. Maybe they are scary.
So on Twitter I asked you what you wanted to learn today.
[shows tweet] DaveyGravyX07 wants to know what I look like without a beard. I don't see why not. [Holds up razor. Flicks it on. Black screen with words "a few minutes later". Cuts back to Craig finishing shaving. Kevin Spacey's head is superimposed over his head.] I look a little bit like this. Alright, super beard growth!! [His own head is back on.] Ahh, there we go. That's better.
[shows tweet] ItsCarterYo wants to know how gravity works.
Well, Carter, it's a simple law of physics. What goes up must come down. When I drop this apple, it will fall to the earth. [Lets go of apple. It stays in mid-air.] Apple, you were supposed to fall now. We... we rehearsed this. Just fall down. Fall down, apple. Fall down! Apple, FALL! FALL DOWN! FALL DOWN, APPLE! [really screaming now] APPLE, FALL DOWN! URRRRRRRGG!! [Eagle swoops down and takes the apple] Eagle! This went badly.
Breathing is my thing. [Breathes in and out rapidly.]
That's right. I got that apple from Aunt Judy.
[shows tweet] ItsJustEoin wants to know the value of Pi.
Well currently on Amazon, you can get the DVD for 11.49. It's early Darren Aronofsky. Disturbing but compelling. Dispelling? Compturbing?
[shows tweet] Desteysus wants to know how to avoid someone. [Craig mimics emoticon at end of tweet which is this one :) ]
Here's what you do. First, go get some good running shoes. Secondly, [another Craig leans into frame and punches Craig] Owww!!
[The other Craig rubs his cheek:] Oww! [backs out of frame]
What was that about?
I guess I'm not very good at avoidance.
[shows tweet] mor7mx wants to know my plan to seduce Scarlett.
Well, like this. [A picture of Scarlett appears onscreen. Craig turns to it.] Hey Scarlett, go out with me. Please? Go out with me? Go out with me? Go out with me? Go out with me? Don't go out with me? Haha! You said 'no.' That means we're going out. I'm making a reservation. [grabs his phone as the picture of Scarlett retreats offscreen] What time you... [notices the picture is gone. Puts phone down.] Even in my example, I get rejected.
[shows tweet] maureenjohnson wants to know the secret of Christmas.
You wanna know what Christmas is about? Let's ask Craig with a Wig.
[Craig with a Wig:] Christmas is the time of year I get the chance to see my family. My little cousins and give and receive gifts. And I hate ... chances.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns his head] [toy piano key]
[Craig with a Wig:] Merry Christmas. [smiles]
[shows tweet] saidvictor wants to know how to hit himself from the past.
That's easy. Just let me hop in my time machine, there we go.
[Black and white footage labeled 53 seconds ago:] Go get some good running shoes. Secondly... [Future Craig leans in and punches Past Craig.]
[Past Craig:] Owww!
[Future Craig:] Oww. [backs out of frame]
[Past Craig:] What was that about?
[shows tweet] williamjohnson [actually williamjohanson] wants to know how to attract girls.
Well, William, girls don't like surprises. So what I like to do is go up to them and let them know how good of a kisser I am. By using an apple. [Holds up apple. Kisses it a couple of times, making little sounds. Then bites into it.] Oops! Ahh! [Kisses it again.] And that's how it's done. [Tosses the apple, which freezes mid-air.] That apple didn't fall, did it?
[VIewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hello. Me again. Did you expect to see me after the closing credit? I bet you didn't. Or did. One of those two options. Probably. Or you stopped watching. Speaking of two options, down below in the doobly-doo there are two links to GoDaddy. You can get 10 percent off whatever you buy or 7.49 for a dot com. You can have any available URL that you want. Such as ilovewheezywaiter dot com, craigisamazing dot com, Craig is me. Literally, whatever you want. wheezywaiterismyhero dot com. I've used GoDaddy since I started my website. I like GoDaddy. I like my dad. And I like going. Places. Like the bar. If you're thinking about getting a URL, now's a good time. Follow one of the links below.
[Another Craig leans into frame:] iheartclones dot com?
[Craig:] I'm done giving out examples! And that's a bad one!
[The other Craig:] Why? You're the clone.
Oh yeah, that's right. [Jumps into alligator pit.]
If I don't make a video until after Christmas, happy holidays. [Alligator munches]
AAAGH! GOLD TEETH! [Craig mimics the emoticon. Stops. Looks at his monitor. Does it again. Stops. Tries it again.]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, comments, clone, alligator pit, emoticon expression, Twitter, eagle, breathing being his thing, Aunt Judy, Scarlett Johansson, Craig with a Wig, time travel, wink, doobly-doo, outtakes

Related videos

Handstand 64

External links

The Wheezy Identity on YouTube