[Wheezy singing as he walks up to the kitchen table:] Sibelius. Garlic fries.
Oh hey beardlovers! You caught me making a ham sandwich. I guess I'll make the sandwich and do this intro at the same time.
On this Good News Day Tuesday, stock were up, and the price of oil was down. Hmm... [smells tomato] smells like salmonella.
Last Good News Day Tuesday stocks were up. This Good News Day Tuesday stocks are up. Guess I control the market.
Hey, here's a riddle. [Four pictures appear on the screen: a strawberry milkshake, an eye, the Tasmanian Devil, and Stephen King]
See if you can figure it out. I'll give you a hint. It's what I've been doing this entire intro. First person to comment with the right answer gets a friendly e-mail from me. And the first person to make fun of how stupid the riddle is gets an angry e-mail from me. Figure it out yet? [takes a bite of the sandwich] Hmm. Tastes like salmonella too.
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under the July calendar intro. 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week...' Modest Mouse's song "The Good Times Are Killing Me" plays over the intro.]
[Reading article:] "Boy for Matthew McConaughey, model girlfriend." [gasps, very excited] [continues reading:] "Matthew McConaughey's longtime model girlfriend, Camila Alves, has given birth to the couple's first child." [imitating Matthew McConaughey's voice:] "We are both tired and elated, and so happy to have created the greatest miracle in the world -- having a child and making a family. Now comes the greatest adventure..."
The greatest adventure? Is he talking about this?
[clip from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom:] Wu Han: I've followed you on many adventures... but into the great unknown mystery, I go first, Indy." [dies] [Bad guy:] "Don't be sad Dr. Jones, very soon you will join him."
Oh no, that's not it. He's talking about high school girls.
[Clip from Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused:] "I get older. They stay the same age. hahaha." "Yes they do." "Yes they do."
[reading article:] "Ringo Starr celebrates 68th in Chicago." Happy birthday Ringo. But despite being one of only two remaining Beatles, you're still the ugly one. [side by side photos of Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr] Actually, I'm not so sure.
I read the following headline and immediately breathed a sigh of relief. It's good news for Iran because they get three of our most valuable resources. And it's good news for us because we get rid of three of our most tempting addictions. [Reading article:] "U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran." I can quit anytime I want.
And finally some good news from our stupid leaders. [Reading article:] "Richest nations pledge to halve greenhouse gas. President Bush and leaders of the world's richest nations pledged Tuesday to 'move toward a low-carbon society' by cutting greenhouse gas emissions in half by 2050." 2050? I'll only be 70. Or dead. In unrelated news, President Bush urges Americans to double their energy usage until 2049, then go back to normal.
Figure out the riddle yet? [shows the four pictures again: a strawberry milkshake, an eye, the Tasmanian Devil, and Stephen King]
Alright, Ed, it's time.
[Two pictures of Ed winking] [wink (ding)] [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
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