The Stand

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"The Stand"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 627
Original Upload date March 15, 2012
Running time 0:04:30
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by sharpiegrl
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Giant Solar Flare"
Next →
"The Joy of Being Upright"



[A still of Craig moves back and forth in his chair, like he's talking, as we hear a voiceover:] Hey beardlovers. Today is March 15th. Constitution Day in Belarus. [The still of Craig falls revealing Craig sitting on the floor behind the chair, eating what looks like chips and salsa.] Happy Constitution Day! [He notices the camera.] I was trying to fake it so I could eat.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, did you hear the news? After 244 years, Encyclopedia Britannica is no longer printing their new editions. I wonder why that is. I'm gonna look it up.
[slides over to his computer/singing rug] Naturally I'll look this up on Wikipedia. Ah, Wikipedia. Bastion of knowledge. What did we do without you?
Let's see. [Murmurs to himself as he reads for a few moments.]
My eyes hurt from looking at computer screens. I'm so sick of it. I wish they had Wikipedia in book form. Hey, now there's a business idea. Movin' on.
But the lesson here is: the world is a changey. And where the Wheezy goes, so goes world. Did I get that backwards? I can never remember if I'm Wheezy or world. I guess there's really no difference. Movin' on.
I've noticed a growing trend over the past several time units of which I am very skeptical. Standing.
Increasingly, human innovation has led to more and more of it. And I don't like it! Furrowed brow.
Look at the invention of the segway. People must really wanna stand if they're willing to look that ridiculous. I would never ride one!
[Clip plays from 2009 video of Craig riding a segway.]
And then there's those new fandangled roller coasters that you stand on. People are willing to stand in line for an hour just so they can stand for two minutes.
They took away the second best part of riding a roller coaster. Sitting. The first best is vomiting... if you're so lucky... because then you make more room to eat more. I love eating even more than sitting. And eating AND sitting at the same time? That's awesome! I wish I was doing that right now. [Eats pretzels.] And I am doing it right now. But yet I still wish it. That's how much I wanna do it.
Yet, despite my brilliant logic, this war on sitting continues. [shows article] All these bad headlines about sitting being bad for you.
Hey, hippies. What about Franklin Roosevelt? He sat all the time. Like, all the time.
You know how when you repeat a cycle it degrades over time? Sitting is a perfect cycle that actually improves. Something rarely found in nature.
You sit on your butt fat, which provides a certain level of comfort. And then you proceed to eat. And you proceed to don't exercise. And you create more butt fat. More butt fat, more comfort. It's beautiful!
And still, the standing train keeps rolling. Or standing still. Or ... growing in popularity.
Thanks to those activists R.E.M. with their Stand campaign in the late 80s. [sings, disgusted] Stand in the place where you ... [gibberish]
And it doesn't help if you take a look at the word 'sit' and you add an H to a certain place, it becomes a really bad word.
Sith. Holy *shirt* those Jedi are bad!
Plus our population is out of control. There are 7 billion people in the world.
[turns to different angle labeled Untruth Cam] And there's only, like, 6 point 8 billion chairs. It's a real problem. Also, I can dunk a basketball. Real good. Without using my wizard powers. But sometimes, when I'm tired...
[turns to different angle labeled Truth Cam and whispers] I try to use them anyway. Also, I pee in the shower. But not in swimming pools. That's gross.
[turns back to main camera angle] So I think it's time that I give in. Been fighting this too long. It's time... to stand up. Here goes. [Dramatic music plays as Craig begins lowering his feet towards the floor. He exerts himself, lowering his feet. He's sweating. His feet do a 360 as they lower towards the floor.]
I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! [He gets up, runs to the kitchen, pours coffee, runs back to his chair, sips coffee, puts coffee mug down. Music resumes. His feet finally land on the floor. He starts to stand. Sound of cracking bones. His legs shake as he slowly stands. He stands, letting go of the chair which he's been using for support. He throws his arms in the air as 'Hallelujah' chorus starts playing.] Yeah! [He laughs.] Yeah! [He takes some very unsteady steps on his living room rug, but he doesn't fall.] Woooo! I did it!
[He looks down suddenly and seems instantly relieved.] Oh, I actually did put on pants and underwear today. [Twists his his hips a little bit.] Just pants. [Moves his hips a little bit more.] Did I put on a thong?
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So this is the way things will be from now on. And I'm also trying a new thing. If you wanna make the thumbnail for this video, just draw a picture that represents this video, post it on my Facebook fan page, linked in the doobly-doo, and I'll pick one and make it the thumbnail.
All the specifics are in the doobly-doo. And you know what else is in there? Tour dates that my band Driftless Pony Club is going on. In a week. These are the cities right here. So, if you live near there, you should come check us out.
I'm definitely wearing a thong. I didn't know I had a thong. I gotta stop dressing myself until I sober up.

Recurring elements

beardlovers, chips and salsa, singing rug, Wikipedia, headlines, *shirt*, untruth cam, truth cam, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, doobly-doo, Driftless Pony Club (DPC)

Related videos

The clip of Craig on a segway comes from his video Segway Tour (Ford Fiesta Mission 2).

External links

The Stand on YouTube