The Stagehand

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"The Stagehand"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 563
Original Upload date September 30, 2011
Running time 0:03:26
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by TheVirtualHurricane
Great People
Camera work by Craig Benzine
Matt Weber
Chyna Pate
Guests: Matt Weber
Chyna Pate
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Failure 101"
Next →
"Man Eats Sandwich"



[Craig (or is it Craig?) dressed in black pants and a black hooded sweatshirt, jumps out onto the sidewalk and starts singing and dancing.]
I'm Craig,
Original Craig,
[He dances down sidewalk and swings on a parking sign pole and continues dancing down the sidewalk]
I love...
Being Craig!
[Puts his hood up and jumps up onto and off of a fire hydrant as he dances and shimmies down the sidewalk]
[He smells a flower, sees a girl, grabs and spins her, pulls her close to him]
[Craig:] I'm Original Craig.
[Chyna:] Who?
[He pushes her face away and she falls down on sidewalk.]
[He dances down an alley and shuffle-steps up the stairs in his apartment building, making jazz hands and an intense face]
[He slides up to his apartment door on his knees] Da da da! Home!
[He tries the door but it's locked.]
Oh no. [Checks his pockets and his chest] My keys. [Rattles the doorknob.] Oh no. Oh no! Oh no! [Keeps rattling the doorknob]
[Title onscreen: 5 minutes later]
Oh no! Oh no! Matt's got a spare. [He dances out of frame, arms extended. Knocks on a door. Spins. Waits.]
[Matt opens the door slowly:] Hello?
[Craig:] Matt, I think I left my keys in my apartment. You have a spare, right?
[Matt, trying to close the door:] No! You're a burglar! Go away!
[Craig:] No! I'm not! It's me... It's Craig! [lowers his hood] It's me.
[Matt:] Why are you wearing burglar's clothes?
[Craig:] I'm a stagehand at the local community theatre.
[Matt:] Craig would never be a stagehand. He's a born star.
[Matt tries to close the door. Craig tries to keep it open. As they struggle, a gun falls from Craig's pocket and hits the ground.]
[Matt:] What was that? That sounded like a gun hitting concrete after a rainstorm.
[Craig:] Yeah, that's a prop gun.
[Matt:] And all the world's a stage!! [Matt slams the door.]
[Craig bends down and picks up gun. Spins and dances out of frame.]
[Snaps and backstep-dances his way back to his front door, which he finds not closed all the way. He slowly enters.]
[Craig:] Is someone in here? What's going on? Why's the couch moved? [Camera pans to empty kitchen and back to Craig] Creepy. [Craig continues advancing into the apartment.] Hmm. Is something behind the couch?
[Original Craig pops up from the couch:]
[Original Craig:] Step 13. Strike for the eyes, [makes poking gesture. We see stagehand clone get poked in the eyes.] [Text onscreen: Step 13: FIGHT!] the nose [punches] [Stagehand nose gets punched in nose], the throat [reaches his hands out.] [Stagehand clone gets choked] and the groin [Sound of a groin kick. We hear the Stagehand clone grunt in pain]

[Stagehand clone:] Oh god!

[Craig:] Hey, I know you.

[Stagehand clone:] I know you.

[Craig:] Why'd you break into my house, clone?

[Stagehand clone:] I'm not a clone. And I didn't break in. I lost my key.

[Craig:] No you didn't. You were burgaly. Why you dressed all in black, huh?

[Stagehand clone:] I work at the community theatre as a stagehand. 

[Craig:] Ha! That proves you're a clone! I would not be a mere stagehand. I'd be the star.

[Stagehand clone:] Oh, you're right. [Starts sobbing. Heads for the door. As he sobs words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh haeh heaaah]
[Stagehand clone turns and runs for door, his face streaked with mascara from his tears, and keeps sobbing as more sob words emerge from his mouth: hhuh huuh huuh hu-uh hu-ih.] [He stops running and sobs, his face still streaked with mascara.] Why? I'm gonna go wandering and [??].
[Walks down stairs into basement, still sobbing. Walking through basement, the gun falls from his pocket and lands on the floor. It slides across the floor and lands at someone's feet. That someone bends down, picks it up, and holds it close to his face. It's another Craig.]
[Stagehand clone, still crying:] Give me back my prop gun, clone.
[Revenge clone:] It's not a prop. [Shoots]
[Stagehand clone:] How'd you know?
[Revenge clone:] You can tell by the weight. Why so glum? Looks like somebody pooped on your birthday cake.
[Stagehand clone:] Stupid original Craig. [starts crying again] I thought I was original Craig.
[Revenge clone:] Nothing' s original. Come with me. You'll get your revenge. [Turns and starts walking into the deeper recesses of the basement.]
[Stagehand clone:] Okay. I'm desperate and lonely enough for that. [Follows him.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Revenge clone:] Alright. This way. [Revenge clone turns and enters a space in hte basement that's out of frame] Keep your eyes open for the retinal scans. Whatever you do, don't blink!
[Stagehand clone follows slowly:] Where... where are you taking me? [He enters the same space out of frame] Whoa! What is this crazy place?
[Revenge clone:] It's our lair.
[Stagehand clone:] Is that what I think it is?
[Revenge clone:] No. It's much worse.
[Stagehand clone:] Wow!

Recurring elements

alternate POV videos, song, Stagehand clone, flying-words sob, Revenge clone, wink

Related videos

This is the intruder's point of view of the events depicted in What to do During a Break-In.
Making of 'The Stagehand'

External links

The Stagehand on YouTube