The Spy Who Drugged Me

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"The Spy Who Drugged Me"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 431
Original Upload date December 3, 2010
Running time 0:03:26
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by TheSchwartzcaster
Great People
Guests: Marcus
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Conspiracy Conspiracy Conspiracy"
Next →
"Comfort Zone"



Hey beardlovers. I'm at my friend Marcus' house. [Marcus appears behind Craig, waving.] He has a wife. [His wife appears and also waves.] And a kid. [The kid appears, held by Marcus.] And a dog. [The dog appears, held by Marcus' wife.] And a stuffed camel. [Marcus is now holding a stuffed camel too.] And that thing. [Marcus' wife is now also holding a back massager wand. She clicks it on. Closeup of the family. The kid doesn't like the wand thing.] Fun fact about my friend Marcus. He's actually a secret agent working for the government. His family doesn't know about it yet. [Marcus looks concerned and drops the camel as his wife turns to him, surprised.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in the news today, Entertainment Weekly named their entertainer of the year. Me. "Me" is a euphemism for Taylor Swift. [shows article] How did SHE get that award? Sell her soul to the devil? That's shameful!
I'd do it in a heartbeat. [Psycho music plays as the kid enters in the background, dressed in a devil outfit. Craig slowly turns his head and sees the kid. As the kid walks toward him, Craig speaks again.] I change my mind. I change my mind. I change my mind. Oh god! Superman! Help! [The kid is now dressed in Superman pajamas.]
[Superman:] No way!
Superman, where are you going? {The kid climbs down off the table and walks away.]
I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! Where's the coffee? [Marcus' wife, Tracy, appears behind Craig. She points.]
[Craig gets up and goes in the direction she's pointing:] Oh, thank you! [comes back] That's just a bunch of laundry.
[Tracy:] Did you fold it?
[Craig:] Yes. [Black and white footage of Craig folding laundry:] Fold your undies in a stack, and they won't go up your crack.
[Tracy:] My mistake. Coffee's in there. [Points in the other direction.]
{Craig:] Oh. [Runs in that direction. Comes back.] That was just an unmade bed.
[Tracy:] Did you make it?
[Craig:] Yes. [Black and white footage of Craig making the bed.] Stack the pillows nice and neat, and my momma goes to sleep.
[Tracy:] It's up there. [points upwards]
[Craig jumps upward. The eagle, still wearing Craig's cowboy hat, flies above, squawking. Craig punches it. He lands back in front of Tracy.]
[Craig:] It's just an eagle.
[Tracy:] Did you punch it?
[Craig:] Yes.
[Tracy:] *Ding* yeah! There you go. [hands Craig a coffee mug]
[Craig:] Thank you. [Tracy walks away.]
[Takes a sip as Marcus leans into frame behind him, smiling.] This coffee's weird. [Marcus leans out of frame.] But good. What is in this? It must be European or something. I don't... [Marcus leans in, very close to Craig's face. Speaks softly.]
[Marcus:] How's your coffee, Craig?
[Craig:] It's good. It's pretty good.
[Marcus:] Have another drink, Craig.
[Craig:] Okay. [Takes another sip as Marcus looks really excited and backs out of frame.]
In other news, rapper Kurtis Blow got caught with marijuana. [shows article] Kurtis, considering your namesake, that's the... [Craig starts swaying a little and slurring his words] ... wrong... drug. Whoa, definitely fainting now. [Craig falls out of frame. Tracy walks up. Looks at Craig. Talks to Marcus, offscreen.]
[Tracy:] You drugged him before he dusted the ceiling fan?
[Fade out. Fade in. Craig's in the passenger seat of a car with a blanket over him. He pulls the blanket off himself suddenly.]
[Craig:] Where am I?
[Marcus:] To your death! [Craig looks confused] Actually, can you ask me where did I take you.
[Craig:] Where did you take me?
[Marcus:] To your death. [Holds up the back massager wand thing. Flicks it on. It lights up and starts to vibrate. Craig shrinks back.] Sorry, Craig, you've compromised national security. I'm going to have to kill you.
[Craig:] No!
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Marcus, still holding up the back massaging wand:] I'm going to have to kill you.
[Craig:] No!
[Marcus:] With comfort. [He extends the back massaging wand and begins to massage Craig with it on Craig's chin.]
[Craig:] Oooh. Wow, that actually feels really good. Wow. Oh yeah! Yeah! Oh... right there! Right there. Yeah.
[Marcus:] You like that?
[Craig:] Oh yeah! Actually... [repositions it from his forehead to his chin] yeah, down there... get down there.
[Marcus:] Oh yeah?
[Craig:] Yeah. There it is. Yeah.
[Marcus:] That hits the spot.
[Craig:] Right up there, yeah.
[Marcus:] Hits the spot, doesn't it?
[Craig:] Yeah, like that.
[Marcus:] Is that it?
[Craig:] It makes me talk really weird, actually.

Recurring elements

beardlovers, headlines, "I love it when the coffee's done!", eagle, *ding*, wink

External links

The Spy Who Drugged Me on YouTube