The Sky is Falling

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"The Sky is Falling"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 559
Original Upload date September 21, 2011
Running time 0:03:37
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by AllieMcKeen
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Fat Action"
Next →
"What to do During a Break-In"



[shot of Craig's apartment. We can hear his voice but can't see him.] Ladies and gentlemen, it's... EXPLOSION WEDNESDAY. [Explosions all over the apartment. In the kitchen, an explosion causes chair to fall over. On the bookshelf, an explosion knocks something off the shelf. On the couch, a pillow is sent flying into the air by an explosion. The dinosaur toy is knocked off the top of the bookshelf. A bag of chips flies off the kitchen table. Something falls from the top of the fridge.] Maybe. I'm still testing it out. We'll see.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in explosion news, apparently a bunch of people in the Southwest saw something streak across the sky. [shows image] Streaking? [covers his eyes] Inappropriate! [shows headline] Probably a FIREBALL. Aww. I mean good. Nudity's immoral. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Nudity's immoral. -Craig Benzine]
[Reads from article] Veronica McGregor, a spokesman at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory... who I picture as a combination of Veronica Mars and Ewan McGregor [Ewan McGregor's head is superimposed over Kristen Bell's body in a poster from Veronica Mars]... said [reads from article] "For all the millions of people that called, they can scratch that off their bucket list. They are very lucky to see a FIREBALL."
Lucky? Ugh. Jealous. [Holds up his bucket list and crosses off the bottom item. "Display bucket list."]
I've got two left. And 'archipelago' is just a noun. I don't think I knew that that meant when I wrote it down. I'm never gonna archipelago! Or see fireball in the sky.
[Reads from article] "FIREBALLS are actually extremely common," she said. "They happen every day somewhere over our globe."
Oh. Veronica, why you playing with my emotions? You give me mixed signals. You make me wanna write a song about you, Veronica.
[plays guitar and sings]
Veronica says,
Veronica says,
FIREBALLS in the sky
Should be seen before you die.
What she knows,
It ebbs and flows,
FIREBALLS aren't that rare,
Round and round she goes.
[song over]
I still feel the same. I guess our relationship will never change, Veronica. Until that song wins a Grammy.
How about a story about something more rare in the sky? Not more rare than this guy [points to himself]. I'm one of a kind. [Smiles. His smile glints and dings.] But... more rare than anything Veronica could conjure up!
[shows article and reads headline] 26 pieces of falling satellite likely to survive plunge, NASA says.
26? That's not enough to stop being rare but that's enough to be scary.
Scrary? Racare? Scaryare? Scrarary? Scare?
I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure NASA knows it won't be in harms way. Otherwise it'd be a bigger deal.
[Reads from article] There is no way to know where it will fall.
[Craig makes a sound of concern. Text onscreen: single anger] [He's calm for a moment.] [He makes a slightly louder sound with wider eyes. Text onscreen: DOUBLE anger] [He's calm for a moment.] Gah! [Bites on his fist. Text onscreen: TRIPLE ANGER!!]
Who said that? [shows article] Mark Matney? I assume he looks like a combination Mark Summers and a pile of garbage. Just 'cause I don't like the truths he's telling me.
But it's a satellite. It's gotta float for a really long time in nothing. I should be a scientist. So it's probably really light, right?
[reads from article] NASA says most of the six-ton spacecraft is made of aluminum. See? Aluminum. Aluminum cans are super light... Wait, six tons? [Dramatic zoom and dun dun dun music] I'd say like only seven pounds'll make it through, though, right?
[shows article] About half a ton of material is likely to make it through.
[Craig grunts in alarm.]
I guess we should all just be looking up in the sky [gets up and looks up] and doing this a lot. [dodges from one side to the other while looking up.] Whoaaaa!
But I guess we have until Friday to worry about that. I need some better news.
[shows article] Buzz Aldrin's new FLAME 30 years his junior.
Oooh! Atta boy, Buzz. That's one old step for woman.
[shows article] Her name is Michelle Sucillon. Susillin? 51. A regular spring chicken. I picture Michelle Sucillon has a combination of Michelle Pfeiffer and fusilli noodles. Sure.
Ah, isn't love wonderful?
[Reads from article] His ex-wife of 23 years is calling the woman a "predator."
GRR! Always a catch. Catch. Predator. Get it? [Audience laughs.] AHAHAHAHAHA!
What's his wife's name? [shows article] Lois Driggs CANNON. How appropriate. [reads from article] "We've had a great life, and I don't blame Buzz," CANNON said.
Of course you don't blame Buzz. No matter what you say to Buzz, he can just say I walked on the moon and he wins. So I guess you just gotta let Buzz be. Get it? [Audience laughs] AHAHAHA!
I should go to the moon. [looks upward and looks like he's about to get out of his chair. Changes his mind.] Not when there's fireballs flying around everywhere! I'm gonna stay down here! But down here there's predators everywhere, and 26 pieces of satellite are gonna hit me in the face. [grabs his hair and grunts in worry] I'm gonna go archipelago! Oh that's right. That's a noun!
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
We need to do something to take our mind off all this terrible stuff. Here, take a look at this. [A clip from Platoon of Power Squadron plays where Craig's character Donald makes a lightning whip and grabs another guy with it.] Pretty awesome, right? That's from a web series I'm in called Platoon of Power Squadron. It's in the On the Rise competition. Follow the link in the doobly-doo to vote for it. Just click on pineappleboyfilms and hit submit. You don't even have to sign up for anything. It's really easy.
And watch out for satellite parts! [gets up out of his chair. Dodges around in the background, looking up.] Whoa. Whoa, no. That's a cloud. Ohhh! No that's an airplane. Oh! That... that was an eyelash in my eye.
[Outtakes of Craig making anger grunts and noises. He grunts a couple of times.] Gah! [bites his fist]

Recurring elements

Explosion Wednesday, headlines, Craig quotes, Veronica Mars, lists, song, dinging glinting smile, laugh track, wink, Platoon of Power Squadron, doobly-doo, outtakes


Bucket List
- Sleep for 2 days [crossed out]
- Wear pizza as a hat [crossed out]
- See fireball in sky
- Enroll in witness protection [crossed out]
- Archipelago
- Display bucket list [crosses it out in video]

Wheezy words

scary + rare = scrary, racare, scaryare, scrarary, scare

External links

The Sky is Falling on YouTube