[slides in/singing rug]
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volumes of forgotten lore, while I nodded nearly napping suddenly there came an EXPLOSION. And that certainly woke me up.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig slowly begins turning his head. It turns in a complete 360 degree rotation while he says the following line:]
It's Wednesday Wednesday Explosion Wednesday! [rubs his neck]
Possibly one day if I make it a thing.
So that was kind of a creepy opening. You know what else is creepy? Edgar Allen Poe.
He was an author dude who was born on this day in 1809. He wrote famous scary stories such as The Tell-Tale EXPLOSION, The Pit and the EXPLOSION, The EXPLOSION of the EXPLOSION of EXPLOSION. He also wrote the poem that I quoted at the beginning of this video called "The Raven."
[Eagle flies overhead and squawks.] What's the matter, eagle? You upset you didn't get a poem written about you by Edgar Allen Poe? [Raspberry] Here, I'll write you a poem.
Once upon a day time lunching
The stupid eagle gets a punching.
[Craig flies up in the air and punches the eagle]
Only this and nothing more,
Except an exploding pen.
[Throws pen up in the air but it passes the eagle without exploding]
My favorite is probably The Tell-Tale Heart. It's that classic romantic story where a guy kills a guy and buries him in the floorboards and then he thinks he hears the heart beating, which makes him go crazy and turn himself into the police. Spoiler!
So, have you heard about the Poe toaster?
No not a toaster with a picture of Edgar Allen Poe on it. I thought that's what it was at first too. You and I are a lot alike. We should hang out more often. Maybe start a synchronized swimming team. We'll need to find a coach that helps us hone our strengths without getting in the way of our chemistry. I'm ready. Are you? No? Why'd you lead me on like that? I could've been talking about the Poe toaster.
[shows Wikipedia article] The Poe TOASTER is somebody who from 1949 to 2009 left three roses and a half a bottle of cognac at Edgar Allen Poe's grave on his birthday. Every year. Annually. But they didn't do it last year. Did they do it this year? [shows article:] Mystery Poe TOASTER fails to show again.
[Speech impediment guy:] Why you toast poe no mo, poe toasto?
No one knows, speech impediment guy.
[Speech impediment guy:] That's unfoetunate.
To do something once a year for 60 years and then suddenly stop, that'd be like if I just stopped doing Explosion Wednesday. If I ever started.
I hope somebody starts a tradition of toasting my grave every year. But not cognac. How about scotch? Four bottles. You can take one sip. And some Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips. And then front and center, gently place down an EXPLOSION. Maybe not. That might get you into trouble. How about you shave your beard over the grave. And ladies, your legs. Watch out for the alligator pit. There will be one. Sprinkle some coffee grounds in the vicinity. Grounds on the grounds. Gaaah! Hahaha!
And if the moment feels right, sing a few verses of "I Will Remember You" by Amy Grant. [Title on screen: Sarah McLachlan. there's a different one with the same name by Amy Grant] [singing:] I will remember you...
Or Ace of Spades by Pantera [title on screen: MOTORHEAD, duh I knew that] [singing:] The Ace of Spades...
Maybe the Major General song from Pirates of Penzance [singing:] I am the very model of a modern major general. I've information vegetable, animal, or mineral. I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical...
You know, any one of these songs really define me.
I think that'll be a very classy toast.
[A clone enters in the background with a broom:] I miss the Poe Toaster.
I miss when you explode.
[Clone:] But I've never explode... Oh I see what you're getting at.
[Craig throws an exploding pen at the clone. He explodes. Craig laughs.]
Hahaha. Oh no, there are pieces everywhere. I better bury them under the floorboards. [gets up]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[During this segment, a heart beating can faintly be heard, getting louder and more frequent]
Hey. Do you wanna get your own URL? Well, I used GoDaddy. If you follow one of the links below, you can get one of the two different types of discounts that are down there in the links below. I said 'links below' twice. 7.49 for a dot com or 10 percent off anything. It's a good deal. If you want a URL, this would be a good time to get one. Here's some examples. How about EXPLOSION dot com. That's probably already taken. But maybe not EXPLOSIONEXPLOSION dot com. You could try that one. Or, you know, anything. Seriously. Anything that's available.
Do you hear a heart beating? I hear a heart beating. It's coming from the floorboards. As if it's telling me tales. The tell-tale floorboard heart beating. [Extreme closeup of Craig's freaked-out eyes] Why didn't I just feed the clone to the alligator?
[outtakes:] Why you toast poe no mo poi... Why you post... [laughs] Why you toast poe no more, poi... [laughs] Grr! Why you toast poe no mo, poe toasto [starts laughing before he's done], Why you toast poe no mo poi toistwo [laughs], why you toast poe no mo tois [gibberish] ... [in his regular voice:] Why you toast Poe no more Poe Toaster?
singing rug, Explosion Wednesday, eagle, exploding pens, Wikipedia, headlines, Speech impediment guy, alligator pit, song, clone, wink, outtakes
The Poe Toaster on YouTube