The New Alphabet

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"The New Alphabet"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 585
Original Upload date November 22, 2011
Running time 0:03:41
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by keltonfilms
Great People
Guests: Audiences in Atlanta & Lousiville
Matt Weber
Sam Grant
Nate Bartley
Episode chronology
← Previous
"How to Pass the Time"
Next →
"How to Survive a Nuclear Blast"



[slides in/singing rug]
[He's laughing] Hahahaha. Hey beardlovers. Something funny just happened over there but you had to be there. Well, I could tell you what happened and you'd probably think it was funny, but then that would defeat the purpose of me saying you had to be there. You know what happens when you defeat something... [text onscreen: defeat] you eat def [the text splits and moves to become: eat def]. And def is slang for cool [def = cool]. So you are eating coolness, which could cause you to overheat and get a fever, which is a symptom for sickness and disease. Which could be contagious and cause the next global plague. And then the world that we know it is over!!! [calms down] So I guess you had to be there.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So today's November 22nd. That means the holidays are just around the... RIGHT NOW! Happy Day of Albanian Alphabet. [shows wikipedia page]
At first I found it adorably geeky that the Albanians have a day for their alphabet, but then I got thinky. Hmm. The alphabet's quite important. Without the letters of the alphabet [Craig grunts. Grunts some more. Grunts again. Grunts. Grunts. Grunts again. Grunts one more time.] [The words appear beside Craig as he says this: Without the letters of the alphabet... *grunts *double grunts *more grunts *Home Improvement grunts *grunts again *angry grunts -Craig Benzine]
And without alphabetical order it would be a lot harder to find a movie I wanna rent in a video store. Remember those?
The song ABC would just be nonsense. And if I wanted to call Triple A, they could be anywhere in the phonebook. Literally anywhere! Remember phonebooks?
And alphabet soup would just be called soup!
All of this is probably why over a hundred years ago Albania formed the Congress of Monastir [shows Wikipedia page] to standardize the alphabet. Before that, they had six alphabets and a number of sub-variants. Not subvariants! More like sub-scary-ants!
Six alphabets does sound like quite a problem. [shows photo of the members of Congress of Monastir. They all have numbers on their coats.] Seems like the Congress was pretty upset about it. So upset they didn't even invite the guy with the six on his shirt. [laughs] Whaa... Who wears a six to the Congress of Monastir? Geez. You're killing me, guy.
And if you take a look at the first Albanian language school you can tell that they wanted to get this figured out so they all knew how to spell the word abstiinence. [shows photo. Lots and lots of children.] Especially in the case of that kid. [Arrow points to one of the kids]
But they finally did figure out one alphabet and it transformed their demeanor quite a bit. [Picture of Congress of Monastir turns into photo of six shirtless very muscly guys] I guess you could say they were alpha males. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Also, it seems like five of them must have died.
Luckily here in the U.S., we have one perfect alphabet, also known as the a b c d e f g h [mumbles] q s [mumbles] z alphabet. [text onscreen: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz] And there's no disputing it. It even has a 'def' in it which means it's cool. [DEF in the alphabet onscreen is capitalized] Wait a second. Def backwards is fed [DEF becomes FED]. Is this some kind of government conspiracy? [NO is capitalized in the alphabet onscreen] No? Okay. [JK is capitalized in alphabet onscreen.] JK? It is?
What's going on with our alphabet? Who decided this letter order anyway? How long has this been going on? I think it's time we change the order!
[Writing on a piece of paper] I think we'll start with W because it's the only letter with three syllables. Getting rid of the letter U. We already have a W. No one likes a third wheel. H will be second in honor of H2O, my favorite substance. I can't live without it! And this alphabet's gonna have three Es in honor of Tripoli to show our support for the revolution in Libya. Put two of those there. The Z will be in the middle 'cause I'm sick of it being at the end of everything. And Y will still be next to it because, you know, they're like besties. And then we'll put a space in there to honor those who can't talk like mutes and babies. Another W to rub it in U's face. And then AI because, let's face it, we're all gonna be ruled by artificial intelligence. T for Terminator because it's better than the movie AI. Throw that other E in there because I'm running out of paper. And then an R because I like this alphabet to have a nice little tail on the end of it. There we go. All done. [Throws pen and pad over his shoulder. Holds up piece of paper. It reads: Wheezy Waiter] Our new alphabet.
[sniffs air] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! But the way I get the coffee is always in the same sequence. Let's do it in a different order.
[Walking back from kitchen, sipping from mug:] I'm glad I got that coffee. Mmm.
[Enters kitchen, heads for cabinet:] Still haven't gotten the coffee yet!
Gettin' up. Gettin' coffee. [Stands up and starts heading towards kitchen.]
[In kitchen, standing by coffee maker, sips from mug] Mmm. [Walks out of the kitchen.] Got the coffee.
[Running towards the kitchen] Running to get the coffee 'cause I haven't gotten it yet.
[Opens cabinet and grabs mug.] Grabbin' the mug.
[sits and sighs happily] Ahhh. Coffee-getting process over. [Banjo face]
[Pours coffee into mug] Pouring the coffee.
[Sets empty mug down on counter] Setting the mug down. [Grabs coffee pot handle.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Winker:] Wheezy Waiter... I'm... I'm [unintelligble] [Winks? (ding)]
Hey, remember I was just on tour? It's good be home but I still haven't showed you the audience in Atlanta. [Atlanta audience cheers and waves] And the acoustic show we played in Louisville. [People standing around. DPC playing acoustic.] But now get back to studying your new alphabet. Can you hear that coffee being made in the background? Everything's way out of order right now.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Wikipedia, Craig quotes, "I love it when the coffee's done!", banjo face, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC)

External links

The New Alphabet on YouTube