The Most Honest Video Ever

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"The Most Honest Video Ever"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 605
Original Upload date January 10, 2012
Running time 0:03:06
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by stude444
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"How to Record an Album"
Next →
"Someone is Missing"



[slides in/singing rug]
Beardlovers, listen up! I happen to know for a fact that today's video is my best video ever! Other facts I know: I once high-fived Taylor Swift. I can eat my own weight in hummus. Two square of the orbital period of a planet is directly proportional to the cube of the semi-major axis of its orbit. I have a prosthetic pinkie toe. And two butts. At the right temperature, I can fly. [starts to rise out of his chair. Sits again.] It's not the right temperature.
Okay, all of those were lies. [Text onscreen: *Actually, it's just THE square (not 2 square) of the orbital period of a planet that is directly proportional to the cube of the semi-major axis of its orbit.] Except for maybe the hummus thing. If that were true, I could use two butts. But alas, I have monobutt.A man can dream.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Listen, sorry about all those lies before the intro. From now on, no more lies. It's time to air out all my dirty laundry. For instance... [Sniffs sweater he's wearing] I'm wearing dirty laundry. [Now shirtless] Feels good to get that off my chest, you know. Now I'm cold.
[Sweater's back on] So today let's discuss a... [sniffs air] I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! Confess my way to the coffee!
[Gets up and starts towards the kitchen] Alright, I gotta be honest with you. The coffee's been done for a while now. I actually drank it all but it's sort of a recurring thing in my videos, and I haven't done it in a while. So I just thought I'd pretend that it was done right now.
[As he passes the couch, he stops.] And that new couch there? It's not new anymore. [Dun dun dun music. He continues towards the kitchen.]
And I'm actually using editing tricks to make it seem like the journey to the coffee is a lot longer than it actually is.
[enters the kitchen] But isn't that what watching video's all about? Being lied to in an entertaining way? Hang on a second. [Bends from waist and breathes heavily.] I need a rest from all that walking. My apartment's so huge.
See this clone standing here? [walks up to clone] I'm gonna punch him but you really think I'm gonna punch a clone standing here? That's a bit far-fetched. [punches clone]
[Clone:] Augh!
[Craig:] Did I actually hit you?
[Clone:] No.
[Craig:] See? It's called stage fighting. Read a book. [punches the clone again]
[Clone:] Gah, you actually hit me that time. [rubs face]
[Craig:] I know.
Hey, the removable roof is open? Observe. [Closeup of his feet as he leaps out of frame. Empty apartment. Craig flying upwards through sky.] Do you think I can actually jump this high? [laughs] Don't be ridiculous. I have rocket-powered shoes. [We see the shoes for a second as he flies upwards. He punches the eagle.] Hehe. Who thinks I can jump this high?
[Lands back in his apartment] Oh yeah, the coffee. [Walks up to empty coffee pot and grabs it. Pretends to pour and drink it.] Mmm. Pour pour pour pour glug glug glug. Mmm. So good.
[Walks back to his chair, holding the mug and sits down.] All this honesty feels good. [throws mug behind him. It lands on the floor with a clatter, maybe breaking.] That mug wasn't a lie, was it? [Picks up mug pieces off floor.] Oops, oopsies, oops. [As he leans over, picking up pieces off his rug, a black censor box covers the top of his jeans. The box is labeled: monobutt]
[The clone smiles and laughs to camera as he vacuums.] Hahaha. Ahahahaha. Ahaha. Haha. [Text onscreen: Clone pretending to be me pretending to love chores to show my mom how adult I am in case she's watching.]
[Craig (or the clone) writing on a pad. Lies down a piece of paper on the rug that says: Caution: Broken Mug] There we go.
Alright, I can't lie. I spelled 'Caution' wrong the first time. [Holds up pad that says 'Cation:']
Did you know I can dunk a basketball in a regulation-size hoop? You don't believe me? Okay, fine. Two basketballs. Oh. Alright, full disclosure. That couch actually is still new. I was lying before, but I can dunk two basketballs in a non-regulation-size hoop.
So what have we learned today? Honesty is the best policy. [Text onscreen: MORAL: Honesty is the best policy.] Look what has happened since I've been honest.
[Clips from earlier in the video play in a small box onscreen:] If that were true, I could use two butts. [Craig shirtless] Now I'm cold. [Craig punches clone.] [Craig punches eagle.] All this honesty feels good. [throws mug] That mug wasn't a lie, was it? [Picking up pieces of mug. Monobutt censor box.]
As I said, pure honesty will always lead to violence or nudity. [These words appear onscreen as he says them: Pure honesty will always lead to violence or nudity. -Craig Benzine] Parental guidance advised.
[Wheezy Waiter outro] [Viewer-submitted wink (ding)] [slides in/singing rug] Beardlovers, listen up! I happen to know for a... [sound of something falling. Craig looks to his left.] that I dropped my headphones. They're Star Wars headphones. [sighs] That was no lie. [slides/singing rug]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, "I love it when the coffee's done!", new couch, clone, removable roof, eagle, Craig quotes, wink, outtakes


Three-dimensional words Wheezy Waiter fly in from left of screen, land on floor, and then the word "Waiter" topples over as outro theme plays.
Outro video by thedankez
Outro music by SyllixMusic
Outro singing by darbylud

External links

The Most Honest Video Ever on YouTube