|"The Most Helpful Video on Youtube"|
|Original Upload date
August 31, 2012|
Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by
Transcript (in progress)
- And done. Ah, feels good.
- That's great. Get to the alligator pit.
- It suddenly doesn't feel so good.
You always gotta kill off your clones. Otherwise the government will find out and it'll be a legal nightmare. Plus you'd have to feed them. That's why I make sure none of them ever get away. Ever. I'm very strict about it. You might say when it comes to cloning I'm a genius. Wait, that was a pun. I didn't even mean to... 'Cause genes. Genius. I didn't even mean to do that. I'm hilarious.
Listen, I want to be helpful, you know? What am I doing here? Sure, you can watch all my videos and go
Wahaha! Wheezy Waiter tickles my laugh muscles and makes my life not not good.
And that's great. But I want to be actually helpful. You know? Useful for once. I suppose I could do a How To video.
How to tie a tie.
That's been done.
How to juggle.
Nope, that's been done too.
How to make a fool of yourself.
Oh, that's already been done too.
How to keep toilet water from splashing on your butt when you're going twosies. That's been done too. Wish I would have known that ten minutes ago.
But then I thought, Ooh, I've got one... boobies... that I'm sure no one else has thought of... boobies...
How to wiggle your small toe separately from the rest of your toes.
Nope. Someone did it already.
And that's a skill of great importance. If you haven't read about that, you should because what if you get kidnapped and your mouth is taped shut and your hands are tied behind your back and your captor asks how many cookies you want, and you want to indicate that you want one, or you're holding a turkey with both hands and you're talking on the phone squeezing it to your ear with your shoulder and your niece asks how many pounds of stuffing she needs to get at the store and you need one.
Which is why you should never wear shoes if you have talented toes. Metaphorical interpretation of this quote optional.
So all How Tos have been done. How can I help? I've even read the How To Help, and it was great, which makes me even more useless.
Maybe a How To video isn't the way to go.
Maybe I should deliver some intellige.... ooh, stop at the tie.
Maybe I should deliver some compelling and intelligent insight.
Pfft... what can I say that you can't already get from Google
that homeless guy with tinfoil sunglasses down the street,
old wives' tales,
homeless guy without sunglasses down the street,
I'm sorry. Did I say Oprah? None of you watch her channel. Unless she has me on. Right, Oprah? Huh? Oprah?
Also I said Plarko again. Sometimes
it speaks to me.
No. There's plenty of places to get helpful advice on the internet. You don't need that from me.
But then it occurred to me right now even though I'm narrating it as if it happened in the past, I know something that you need. You have all these people telling you all these things.
Something you don't find on the internet... someone to listen.
So that's what I'm going to do. Tell me your problems. I'm here. Listening.
Mm hmm. Continue. Mm hmm.
Oh, you don't say.
Didn't quite catch that. Can you say that again? Mm hmm.
Okay, skip over that bit. That's boring.
Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. That cat is adorable.
You know what? This isn't working. I'll just throw up a picture of my ear. There you go. Now just hit pause and I'll be listening forever. Problem solved.
- Alright, clones. Give a wink or it's to the alligator pit.
- He doesn't have an alligator pit. Free the clones!
Hello. Welcome to the end screen once again. Check it out. My band is playing in St. Paul tonight, August 31st. I've been saying Minneapolis. It's actually St. Paul. I was wrong.
Also, over there, the new daily vlog.
Also, over there, you can watch a video of me actually listening to you for, like, five minutes. It's very pleasant if you wanna get something off your chest. And that's all. Here's my ear again in case you wanted to say some more stuff. There you go. Just focus on my ear. I'm listening to whatever you want to say. Go ahead. Just talk.
Augh! You gave me a wet willy.
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