[wheezywaiter dot com chips and salsa intro]
[Wheezy rolls towards the camera in his rolly chair.]
Greetings wheezies. It's June 5th. It's finally getting warm here in Chicago and I feel like two trillion bucks. Better make that point three trillion. [article: Americans $1.7 trillion poorer.] Apparently the net worth of Americans dropped one point seven trillion. [shows picture from the Great Depression.] Cheer up. We'll make it through this. [Wheezy spins chamber of gun and holds it up to his head.] Oh hey! [puts gun down]
[article: Lesbian kisses at game ignite Seattle debate.] Apparently lesbians watch baseball. [Reading from article:] "Last week a lesbian complained that an usher at Safeco Field asked her to stop kissing her date because it was making another fan uncomfortable. Guerrero denied that she and her date were groping each other, saying that along with eating garlic fries, they were giving each other brief kisses."
Whoa! Good news day!
[singing] Lesbians! [picture of Britney and Madonna kissing] Garlic fries. [picture of garlic fries] Lesbians! [picture of women kissing] Garlic fries. [picture of garlic fries] Lesbians [picture of two guys kissing]...
Whoa! Those aren't lesbians. hehe. Change the subject.
[article: Air Force officials ousted over nuclear gaffes] Apparently a couple of Air Force dudes were fired today for being willy nilly with our nuclear weapons. [reading from article:] "In August a B-52 bomber flew from North Dakota to Louisiana with the crew unaware that six nuclear-tipped missiles were on board."
That reminds me. One day I got up in the morning and I made a ham sandwich and I put it in my bag and I forgot about it for the whole day. And then when I went... when I went to open my bag, ohhhh, it was totally rottened, so I feel you, Air Force dudes.
Apparently Senator Carl Levin doesn't agree. [pictures of Levin] [imitating Levin's voice:] "Secretary Gates' focus on accountability is essential and had been absent from the office of the Secretary of Defense for too long," Levin said, "The safety and accountability of..." You know what? Let's just look at more Carl Levin pictures. "I'm sleepy." "I'm happy." "I'm Mickey."
Also in the news, there's been a lot of talk about who Barack's gonna pick for vice president. I don't think it should be Hillary Clinton. Is picking the wife of a former president as vice president change? No, I think he should go with Kathleen Sibelius, governor of Kansas. To me, she's the best choice but a lot of people are saying she doesn't have a big-enough national profile. I guess I'll have to do my part to help. Now what do the kids like these days?
[singing:] [picture of Sibelius] Sibelius! [picture of garlic fries] Garlic fries. [picture of women kissing] Sibelius! [picture of garlic fries] Garlic fries. Sibelius! [picture of guys kissing]...
Well, another Wheezy Waiter done. Time to pop the cork. [picks up a box of wine] Box wine! Wine with an expiration date. Only the freshest wine for Wheezy Waiter.
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[outtakes:] I'm sleepy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm Mickey.