The Lazy Professional

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"The Lazy Professional"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 513
Original Upload date May 27, 2011
Running time 0:04:25
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by getsome9697
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
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"Apocalypse Yes"
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"Wheezy Pleases Everyone"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So you may have noticed that over the years, my style, skill, wardrobe, smell, and equipment have evolved. You may not have noticed the smell but trust me, it's very advanced. I'd like to think that everything has improved or [sniffs] become stronger, including my lithp.
If you need proof, cue old intro and music.
[Black screen with small typed text: Wheezy Waiter. Music plays in background as Craig shouts over the title card:] Wheezy Waiter! Like that? Is that... like... oh, are we recording? Oh whatever, that's good enough.
Intro-no! Okay, here's the new intro.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
That one deserves an introphy.
Along with me, technology has evolved, which makes it easier to do some of my more burdensome shots. I also use the word 'burdensome' now to make me sound more sagacious. Just kidding. I'm not like that. Ugh. People who use big words are so meretricious. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: Ugh. People who use big words are so meretricious. - Craig Benzine]
Using today's advanced technology, I can edit together this well-timed split screen. Right, other Craig?
[Other Craig leans into frame but leans too far so that the top of his head is cut off at the split screen seam.]
[Other Craig:] Right.
[Craig:] See? This would have taken me hours to edit and render, but now it's much...
[Other Craig:] Yes! It's...
[Craig:] ... better.
[Other Craig:] ... much easier. Craig. [Other Craig disappears.]
[A door opens in the background and a clone leans out.]
[Clone:] Hey, who are you talking to?
[Craig:] I'm trying to demonstrate split screen, clone.
[Clone:] You could have just used one of us clones.
[Craig:] But that doesn't show how I can edit.
[Clone:] But you can do so much more with us. Like sing harmonies. [starts singing] Technology...
[Another clone comes out near the washer and dryer and harmonizes with the first clone:] Technology...
[Another clone pops up right next to Craig and harmonizes with the other clones:] Technology.... technology... technology.
[Craig:] Alright, stop it. That doesn't prove how easy it is to edit because you're real.
[Clone next to Craig:] I'm not.
[Craig:] You're not?
[Clone at door:] No, I edited him in, so...
[Craig:] That doesn't make any sense. [The clone besides Craig lowers himself out of frame.]
[Clone at door:] It does with new technology. [He closes the door. The clone by the washer and dryer goes away too.]
Okay, forget the split screen thing. Let's just take one of my old videos and compare and contrast with what I can do now. There's a video called 'feelin' lazy' [box appears on screen in which Craig's old video plays] which is sort of a docudrama on the intricacies of laziness.
I'll tell you right now, I can do a way more professional video about this and I'm way better at being lazy. Roll footage.
[Excerpt from 'feelin' lazy':] Good morning complete strangers. It's June 7th. Is it June 7th?
Okay, first of all, look at how pixelated and gross that looks. And the aspect ratio. Oh god! [looks disgusted] The aspect ratio! [leans out of frame to throw up or sob or maybe both]
[Black bars on left and right of screen:] Thank goodness it's wider now because you can see that RSS feed pillow [As black bar on the left of screen disappears, Craig points to RSS feed pillow] and part of my TV over there. [Black bar on right disappears and Craig points at the corner of his TV that's visible in the widescreen frame]
Plus I'm much more lazy now. He called you complete strangers. I call you beardlovers. That's one less syllable. And he puts his book on a shelf. [shows image from video with an arrow pointing to the bookshelf] Who has time for that? [closes book and tosses it onto stacks of books behind him] Hehe. As if I read. He cares to check what day it is? I don't even know what year it is. More importantly, I don't care. Professional and lazy. Profazy?
Later on in the video, past Craig demonstrates the reclining position. [clip of Craig napping in old video] Psh! Amateur! I can do the reclining position in stop motion. [Walks up to chair, sits, stop motion footage of Craig reclining in the chair. Closeup of him snoring.]
Look at the HD sleep sweat. [Text on screen: HD sleep sweat! with an arrow pointing to his forehead]
Lazy and professional. Laznal?
Oh hang on a second. My glasses fell down on my nose. [Jerks his head a couple of times to try to get the glasses to go back up his nose of their own accord. It doesn't work.] Ah, I'll leave it.
In another scene, past Craig jumps around the table in very poor resolution. [Clip of old video where Craig sits, stands, and lays on table in different positions] Psh! Nowadays I do it like this. [Craig sits at kitchen table, then sits facing the other direction, then puts his head down on the table and snores.] [Text on screen: HD table! with an arrow pointing to the table] [Text on screen: HD scalp! with an arrow pointing to Craig's baldspot.]
Laznal and profazy. Laprofnalzazy?
And finally, in a climactic scene, past Craig slow-mo dances in the street. [shows clip] What is that blob moving around there? Gross! Ugh! Past Craig is gross. Here's how we does it now. [Camera in the window shoots street below as music plays and Craig does a couple of dance moves in the street. He then lies down in the street for a nap as a car passes.]
So there you have it. Over the past four... [falls asleep and snores. As he snores, a thought bubble appears beside him, in which he appears.]
[Craig in the thought bubble:] ... four years or so of making videos, I've honed my skills and gained access to better technology to help me be more professional and lazy. [falls asleep and snores.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[A cat winks twice (ding ding)]
[A thought bubble emanates from thought bubble Craig and appears on screen beside him. It's Craig again:] Hey, you wanna win one of these new Toshiba laptops from Intel? [holds up laptop] Hmm? Yeah, that's right. My dreams jump cut. This guy's powered by new technology also. [points to laptop] Or girl. Not powered by a girl. It could be a guy or girl or a thing. It's powered by Intel's 2nd generation Core I5 processor. Yeah. That sounds powerful. You can create and share videos up to 20 percent faster. That seems like and is a lot. But even so, that's still the same percentage you should tip your waiter. This thing will really help you be lazy like me. To win, follow IntelEdge on Twitter. They'll tell you how. The contest closes on June 3rd so you better hurry up and... [falls asleep, snores. A thought bubble emanates from him. It has a clown inside. Craig wakes up. Falls back asleep and snores.]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Craig quotes, clone, wink

Wheezy words

Profazy, laznal, laprofnalzazy

Related videos

The old video that Craig uses for comparison is feelin' lazy.

External links

The Lazy Professional on YouTube