[slides in/singing rug] [Craig's in his chair as usual but the camera angle is very high, probably based on the last video when the camera angle changed because he was standing.]
Hey beardlovers. So today I wanted to... Oh that's right. I'm standing up now. [backs up in his chair/singing rug] Okay, here we go. [Gets up. As he does, he is propelled upwards into the sky over his apartment.]
[Flying upwards] Oh darn these rippling leg muscles. Sometimes it's a curse being such a champion. Hey-o! [punches the eagle]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Lands back in his place and walks towards camera.]
Hey beardlovers. I'm Wheezy Waiter. And don't worry, unlike yesterday today I am not wearing [he glances at the camera angle labeled Untruth Cam] a thong.
[turns back to main camera angle] So today's my first video where I am standing up. And I like it. It gives me more flexibility. I can do things like this. [Punches out in front of him while extending one of his legs backwards.] Hyah! Or this. [Does a kick] Yaa! Or this. ]His body flips completely and flies around the living room.] Whoaaa. [Teeters by the window] Shouldn't have left the window open. Whoaaa. [Rotates/flips a few more times before landing back on the floor.] Oh, I didn't stick the landing. Sorry. I'll work on that.
Some things I've noticed since I've been standing.
My shoes look and smell a lot cleaner because my nose and eyes are further away from them. Therefore I will be able to walk without a care through piles of dog feces. In Chicago that's also known as the sidewalk.
Also, hot air rises, which means it's warmer up here, which really opens up my sinuses. [Breathes in. As he does, there's a whooshing sound of wind and various things get sucked into his nose, including a brown mouse, a brick. A schoolbus honks as it hits Craig's shoulder. Craig stops breathing in. The bus beeps as it backs up and out of the apartment.] I won't do that again.
Also I discovered there's frozen yogurt up here. [reaches out of frame and grabs frozen yogurt] It's just up here. [Eating frozen yogurt] I know that's counterintuitive to my hot air rises argument, but science is complicated.
And you know as you get further and further above sea level, the air gets thinner, which means I can headbang with less friction. [Music plays, Craig makes rock sign with his hand, and starts headbanging. His head falls off.]
Oh dear. [Closeup of his head lying on the floor.] This isn't good at all. [Craig's body staggers about a bit.] How am I still moving my body?
Okay, gotta pick myself up. [Shot of Craig's hands, which are feeling in front of him.] No, that's... that's keyboard. No, that's not... No... [Craig's shoe steps on Craig's head.] Ow! Augh! I just stepped on my own face. [Craig's hands continue searching, touching keyboard.] I wonder if facial movements can... [makes different facial expressions] move my head. I can shift weight with my eyes. [Craig tries darting his eyes back and forth.] No, that's not working.
[Craig's hands grab the open jar of salsa on Craig's desk.] Oh, there's the salsa. No, don't! No! No, don't! Not the salsa! No, not the... [Salsa pours down on Craig's head.] Gaah! That's delicious.
Oh, it's going... agh, it's going up my nose. [Craig's hands play with a Superman toy while Craig's head deals with the salsa all over his face] That's spicy. Oh! Aaa! That burns a little bit.
Better wash my face off before I put my head back on. Don't wanna get it on my shirt. I'll just kick myself over to the whale tank. Just kick... [Craig kicks the head into the whale tank. Whale sounds. The eagle squawks as it flies down, grabs Craig's head, and takes off for the sky above.] Oh no!
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Eagle flies upwards with Craig's head.] Whoaaaaa! Oh boy. Oh boy, this is bad. [Eagle flies around in circles a few times.] Whoaaaaa. Okay... Okay... Stop that.
So the thumbnail contest yesterday was a rousing success. Let's do it again today. Draw a picture that represents this video, and I will pick the best one. Post it on my Facebook fan page. Link in the doobly-doo. Down there. I'm pointing with my eyes. 'Cause I don't have hands right now.
[The eagle, still holding Craig's head, flies around in circles a few times again.] Whoaaaaaa.
[Craig's head on the floor. He has salsa on his face.] I don't wanna get this on my shirt when I put my head back on. Guess I'm gonna have to... wash myself off. [He laughs as he raises his head for a moment.] It's going... [Puts his head back down] It's going... Wait. [He's laughing so hard the camera's shaking.] It's going up my nose. It's spicy. Okay. Sshhh.
singing rug, beardlovers, eagle, untruth cam, whale tank, wink, doobly-doo, outtakes
The Joy of Being Upright on YouTube