The Hard Way

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"The Hard Way"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 619
Original Upload date February 15, 2012
Running time 0:03:42
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by Nerdwriter1
Episode chronology
← Previous
"I Brain You"
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"Board Leader"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. It's the day after Valentine's Day so we can all go back to taking our loved ones for granted.
For all you loners out there, I would recommend not checking your cell phone to see all of the drunk texts that you sent your exes. Do me a favor. Hold your cell phone up to the screen. Right there in that area. [Points to the right of the screen.] Got it?
Oh, it's also Explosion Wednesday. It's a weekly thing I'm trying out. I'm not sure if I wanna make it official. Stay tuned to find out.
And if you're not old enough to drink, how can you possibly soberly enjoy my videos?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So if you are one of those sober watchers... Swatchers? Sobatchers? Sobwatchersers? ... then you probably don't make it all the way to the end of my videos so you haven't seen me say that my band has two shows coming up. One tomorrow, Thursday February 16th, in Cleveland. And one the next day, Friday February 17th, in Vestal, New York at Binghamton University. All the info in the doobly-doo.
And I have a new iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch app. See? You can have a beard on your mobile device.
Now you may notice I sound sick, but don't worry, the upcoming shows are gonna be fine. I'm like Wolverine. [picture of Wolverine onscreen. Then Wikipedia entry on Wolverine.] I don't mean I have an accelerated healing process. I'm like the actual wolverine. [Wikipedia entry on the wolverine appears onscreen.] I can kill prey many times my size. So if grizzly bears show up or anything, don't worry. I'll take care of it. And then we'll have a nice healthy meal. But sometimes i have potent anal scent glands so watch out for that. I should be a show promoter for a living.
Speaking of that part of the body, in EXPLOSION news, [shows article] one frat guy decided to shoot a bottle rocket out of another frat guy's buttocks. I tried to make it sound classier by saying butTOCKS.
Now I'm all for a rip-roaring good time, and I don't mean to be a party pooper, but neither did this guy. The bottle rocket didn't shoot out. It just exploded right there.
Ultimate case of constiPLOSION! [The audience starts catcalling him.] Oh come on guys, come on. After 618 videos, I'm entitled to a few poops jokes.
The guy was startled, flatually... I mean naturally, and he fell off the deck, but it was only four feet in length. A short length, luckily. About the same length as their friendship, probably.
Because he is suing the pants off of him. So they will both be pantless before it's all over.
The moral is if you think up something that might be awesome or hilarious if you saw it in a movie, the reality is it's probably stupid and has real consequences. I learned this the hard way when I tried to win the Kentucky Derby after I saw Seabiscuit. [Movie poster for Seabiscuit appears onscreen.] I was the horse. Took fourth. Didn't even place. I did way better in the Preakness.
Second moral...
I like fireworks as much as the next guy does, but not from my butt. That was a haiku. I think my work here is done.
[Wheezy Waiter outro] [Evan (Nerdwriter1) winks (ding). Then speaks:] Wait. Wait a second. Is this... Oh my god, is this Wheezy Waiter's video? This is ridiculous. He was just trespassing on my video a second ago. We were doing this... this collaboration on the concept of free will. It's actually really interesting, but... I wonder how I get back there. [Rubs his face and while rubbing his lip, he points to the clickable annotation for his video that dings as it appears onscreen.]
I learned this the hard way when I tried to start my own soul plane. [Poster for Soul Plane]
I learned this the hard... I learned this the hard way when I decided to start a dog sled team. [Poster for Snow Dogs] Turns out dogs don't talk.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to be Big Momma. [Craig's smiling face superimposed over Martin Lawrence's as Big Momma.]
I learned this the hard way when I tried to sing and dance with a bunch of orphans. {Poster for Annie]
I learned this the hard way when I tried to do a dance number in an all-woman jail. [Poster for Chicago]
I learned this the hard way when I tried to sparkle. [Picture of Twilight DVD case] With lead-based sparkle paint.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to be the man with no name. [Picture of Clint Eastwood from that film.] You can kiss signing up for karaoke goodbye.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to pass off the corpse of my dead friend as my alive friend. [Poster for Weekend at Bernie's] It was actually a pretty good time. But then we had to do it for the sequel [poster for Weekend at Bernie's II], and that was just a waste of time.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to establish world peace between two superpowers through a boxing match. [Poster for Rocky IV] It worked. I just thought it'd be more fun.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to become a terrorist and take over a building. [Poster for Die Hard] The building turned out to be Osama Bin Laden's compound, and I accidentally became a hero.
I learned this the hard way when I threatened that my mom would shoot if someone didn't stop. [Poster for Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot] Turns out that someone was my mom. And she shot at me anyway.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to rob a casino with ten other dudes. [Poster for Ocean's Eleven] It turns out I don't have that many friends.
I learned this the hard way when I tried to learn this the hard way. [Poster for The Hard Way]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo, Wikipedia, headlines, wink, collab video

External links

The Hard Way on YouTube
Collab video: Vlog #22 - Free Will (Feat. Wheezywaiter) on YouTube