[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So as you know, it's been well-documented in the news, I trimmed my beard yesterday. [Rubs face] And when I trim my beard, it has this problem. Here, let's take a closer look. [extreme extreme closeup of the area right above his beard] See right here? Look real closely. I think I know what's going on but I'm not a hundred percent [Explosion. Now some of his stubble is gone.] Yep! Exploding whiskers. It's a real problem.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Oh yeah, my exploding whiskers reminded me that today is Explosion Wednesday. Beta test. We'll see if I wanna make it a thing or not. [Explosion on his other cheek] Augh! Other side!
In explosion space news, [shows article] Sunspot 1283 is CRACKLING with solar FLARES! [Music plays as Craig's eyes widen and he is transfixed by the picture of the solar flare. Zoom in on picture. Craig blinks and shakes his head.] Sorry. [Music stops]
Oh 1283. [Shows graphic of sun with sunspot 1283 and the locations of sunspots 1281, 1287, and 1289] Why you gotta be such a FIRECRACKER? Why can't you just be more sarcastic yet endearing like 1281. [Picture of Matthew Perry over sunspot 1281. Laugh track.] Or the loveable dunce like 1289. [Picture of Lisa Kudrow over sunspot 1289. Laugh track.] Or like 1287. The one with the hair. [Picture of Jennifer Aniston over sunspot 1287.]
If you don't change your ways, you're never gonna get to star in a movie with a monkey. [Poster of the movie Ed.]
As long as they're not tearing limbs off, monkeys are hilarious. Sometimes they still are. [As he says this, the words appear on screen beside him: As long as they're not tearing limbs off, monkeys are hilarious. Sometimes they still are. -Craig Benzine]
I got that sunspots story from spaceweather dot com, a website my friend Matt told me about. [Matt opens door, leans in and waves. Then leans out and shuts door. Craig is oblivious.] What was that?
The website also has regular updates about asteroids flying close to earth. [Shows chart of recent and upcoming Earth-asteroid encounters.] Like this one in November, which is going to be point 8 [.8] lunar distances! [Zoom, dun dun dun music, and intense face.] That's actually far away.
A lunar distance is the distance between [A clone emerges from the bathroom carrying a broom and dustpan] the Earth and the...
[The clone interrupts:] An asteroid is gonna destroy the earth?
[Craig:] No, it's NOT going to destroy the earth.
[Clone:] But what if it does?
[Craig:] It won't.
[Clone:] It might.
[Craig:] It won't.
[Clone:] It WILL!
[Craig:] It... No!
[Clone:] How do you know that?
[Craig:] It says so right here.
[Clone:] Where? Who said it?
[Craig:] The internet.
[Clone:] What if they're wrong?!
[Craig:] It's never wrong. It's the internet.
[Clone:] I'm so scared.
[Craig sighs:] Paranoid Clone, you're overreacting.
[Paranoid Clone:] The asteroid's gonna hit earth. [Music starts playing.] And kill us all. There's so much... life to be lived. So much left to do. Like see the hallway. [The clone runs to the door, opens it, and looks out into the hallway.] Wow! [Runs back to talk to Craig.] The hallway was... more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.
[Paranoid Clone:] Pretty happy. There's still something else I'd want to do before I die.
[Craig:] Other than the hallway? What could possibly be better than that?
[Paranoid Clone:] Nah, it's silly.... I couldn't...
[Craig:] Come on. Come on. You can tell me.
[Paranoid Clone:] Well... I've always kinda wanted to... start a family. You know, fall in love. Have a kid or two. Watch 'em grow up. Have kids of their own. Not watch them have kids but you know... That's never gonna happen now, though. It's too late.
[Craig:] You forget, tedious dullard, I have the ability to clone you a family. And there's a fly on my forehead! [swats it away]
[Paranoid Clone:] You'd do that for me? What's the catch?
[Craig:] No catch. I just want you to be happy. [speaks quietly] So I have less guilt when I send you to the alligator pit.
[Paranoid Clone:] What?
[Paranoid Clone:] Huh?
[Craig:] Who wants a family?
[Paranoid Clone:] Oh, me!
[Craig:] Comin' right up. [Gets up]
[Paranoid Clone waits, sitting at the kitchen table, as the cloning machine can be heard working offscreen. It buzzes twice.]
[Craig, standing by the cloning machine door:] Here you go. One wife clone.
[A clone with a blonde wig emerges from the cloning area.]
[Wife clone:] Hi honey. I love you unconditionally.
[Paranoid Clone checks her out from head to toe and looks pleased. Nods in approval.]
[Craig:] And one kid clone.
[Kid clone emerges holding a dinosaur toy:] Hi Daddy. I haven't learned that you're not perfect yet.
[Paranoid Clone:] This is the happiest day of my life.
[Closeup of Kid Clone's Pizza John t-shirt.]
[Craig:] Hmm. Looks like you got a little nerdfighter there. [Makes nerdfighter sign and smiles.]
[Kid Clone:] Hey Daddy, can you show me how to play sports?
[Paranoid Clone who's now got a computer and files of papers in front of him:] Not now, Son!!! Can't you see I have to finish these budget reports? My butt's on the line here!
[Kid Clone stops smiling. Looks like he might cry.]
[Wife Clone, stirring something in a pot near the stove:] We never see you anymore, dear.
[Paranoid Clone:] Headley from downstairs has been eyeing my job ever since they gave him the Bradley account. This is what keeps you in pearl necklaces and two hundred dollar shoes, woman!
[Kid Clone, looking very sad:] I miss you, Dad.
[Wife Clone:] We both miss you.
[Music starts playing as Paranoid Clone puts down the files and papers.]
[Paranoid Clone:] Oh son and wife, you're right. This rat race has made me lose track of what's really important. Family. [Wife Clone nods.] Damn Headley and his Bradley account! [Kid Clone smiling] He can have it. They can all have it! 'Cause I only need you two to be happy.
[Craig:] Okay, now that you've found true happiness, get to the alligator pit.
[Paranoid Clone:] Having achieved true happiness, I can die peacefully. With my family. Come on. [Gets up and gestures for his family to join him. He jumps into the alligator pit, yelling as he falls. We can hear the alligator munching:] Augh!
[Kid Clone walks towards the alligator pit. He jumps and yells as he falls:] Yaaaaaay! [We can hear the alligator munching.]
[Craig:] What about you? Aren't you going?
[Wife Clone puts down the pot:] I'm finally free of that suffocating marriage! [She runs from the frame] Gotta go explore my sexuality and read Sylvia Plath! [Runs back into frame] Take the turkey out in 20 minutes. [Runs to the front door. Opens it.] Wow! Great hallway! [Runs out the door, closing it behind her as she goes. Craig shrugs and turns and walks back into living room.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game graphic can be seen in corner as a little kid sings:] Wheezy Waiter. [Winks (ding). Cameraman winks (ding).]
[Footage plays with title on screen: go to wheezywaiter.com to see behind the scenes]
[In the footage we can see the camera filming Wife Clone:] We never see you anymore, dear. We never see you anymore, dear. We both miss you. I'm finally free! [The spoon falls from the pot as Wife Clone goes to put it down. Craig still wearing the wig and talking in his own voice:] And then I'm gonna come back and say, [in Wife Clone's voice] Turn the cookies in 20 minutes. [his own voice] And then go back. Turn the cookies? Does that even make sense?
[Matt, who's filming this behind the scenes moment:] Uhhhhh... Turn the cookies? I don't know if that makes sense.
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, laugh track, Craig quotes, Paranoid clone, alligator pit, Wife clone, Kid clone, wink, outtakes
This is the first appearance of Paranoid clone, Wife clone, and Kid clone.
Craig trimmed his beard in the previous day's video, Wheezy Pleases No One.
The behind-the-scenes video is Creating The Clone Family.
The Clone Family on Youtube