[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. People sometimes tell me they get lost in my eyes. [Closeup of Craig's face. He opens his eyes, and a scene from Lost is playing in them.] What do you think? Pretty good reception? It's not as good in reruns, is it? I already know what's gonna happen.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, let's chat. [long pause] Conversation is a two-lane expressway. No wait, that means we're both going the same direction. It's a four-lane expressway with two lanes each going opposite directions. Opposite directions? That means we're arguing.
A conversation is a game of chicken. No. That means we're talking at the same time until a jinx happens.
A conversation is like two cars meeting at an intersection. That's just like saying one thing and going on your way. Unless you're outside of the car pushing cars into the intersection.
A conversation is like two people pushing cars into an intersection. But then eventually they'll get arrested.
Okay, fine, I'll just talk!
So, [sighs] fortunately, [talks like he's depressed] we took first place in the Supernote competition. Huh? That... that means we won! YEAAAA... Woo! ... AAAA... Woo! .... AAAAAA ... Woo! ..... AAAAA... Woo! ..... AAAAH! [Audience applause] [Picture of large crowd of people. Title under picture: not actual beardlovers] [...probably]
[Picture of Scarlett Johansson as Craig talks in a high voice:] Congratulations, Craig.
Oh oh, Scarlett. Shame on you for flirting with me. You're a married woman. Hehehehe. What's that?
[Picture of Scarlett]
Oh, I thought you said something. Moving on.
Thank you, beardlovers, for showing the world that we are a force to be RECKONED WITH and loved, 'cause we're decent human beings. Let's not be jerks, 'kay?
Craig with a Wig enjoys winning.
[Craig with a Wig:] Winning is everything. I hate everything.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns his head and smiles] [toy piano key]
I love victory! Need it! I'm a victory junkie. Seriously, I had to go to victory rehab. One day at a time. I'm gonna beat this thing. Wait, that's counterproductive.
This win makes me very excited. Not only because the joy of victory is a taste so sweet it makes cocoa butter taste like cocoa butt. But I'm also really excited about this win because I'm drunk. No, no I'm not drunk at all. It's because it shows the power of our community, beardlovers. I'm excited to find out what we can accomplish in the future. For instance, the Project for Awesome is coming up. I'll talk about that in a future video. Well, it'll be present day when I make that video. And you'll be watching the video that I made in the past. Unless you watch it while I make it. Get out of my house in the future!
I wanna say it was an honor to even be a part of this competition with the 14 other YouTube folks. I'm glad [points to himself and smiles] to be [stands up and sticks a finger out behind him. Text on screen: bee stinger] a part [smoothes his hair near his part] of this community [makes a circular shape] with you [points at screen]. And a big thank you to Rhett and Link for putting on this competition.
The numbers. Team Beard ended up with only 119,116 Supernote seconds. I'm gonna say wow for every second. Wow wow wow wow... was that close? I lost count. If you take all those seconds and you do the math [raises a notebook and starts writing]... let's see... 60 seconds in a minute... carry the 1... draw a picture of a goat... drop the zero... that's a whole bunch of time! Haha. Look at the goat. [shows page he was writing on] He's got a beard.
As promised, the top male and top female Team Beard Supernoters get a free pair of Wheezy shoes, which will be revealed later this week. But don't tell anyone about that. That's a secret, okay? Ssshhh. The top female is thecynchannel with 117 flippin' seconds. And the top male is generictechguy with 122 gargantuan seconds. I can't even sit in a chair [stands up] that long. [sits down] Okay, moving on. Congratulations, you two. And congratulations to all of you. You're also over here. Iron lung trophy coming soon. But you know what, I think I'll just keep it at my place... um... you're kind of a pack rat. Where would you put it? I mean, do you really need that Nintendo you've had since you were eight years old? It's broken! You can get most of those games online. [holds up his old broken Nintendo] You have to let it go. There's a Nintendo in my hand, isn't there? That's super embarrassing. [Craig's face turns red. Really red.]
Love you, beardlovers.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
That's a whole bunch of time! Haha. Look at the goat. He's got a beard. [Craig drops the notebook.] I dropped my paper.
singing rug, beardlovers, Supernote, Scarlett Johansson, Craig with a Wig, Wheezy shoe, turning red from embarrassment, wink, outtakes
The Art of Conversation on YouTube