Teleporting Hologram Motorsports Water Cup

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"Teleporting Hologram Motorsports Water Cup"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 311
Original Upload date May 14, 2010
Running time 0:03:15
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by komedyskits
Great People
Guests: Mike Benedetto
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Intro to Wheezy Waiter"
Next →
"Eye Care is a Myth"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I'm thirsty for your love. And water. You have any water? Seriously, I'm thirsty as Kirstie. [picture of Kirstie Alley] That's a phrase I just invented. I imagine she ingests lots of fluids. No water? Fine! I'll go get my own. [gets up]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Water from my hologram Evernham Motorsports cup. [holds up cup] It's got number nine on it. I love that guy. I have no idea what Evernham Motorsports is. I have no idea where I got this cup. [takes a sip and teleports to standing by the door to the kitchen] Whoa! Now I'm over here. [takes a sip and teleports to sitting on the bed] Yikes. [sips again and now he's standing on his bed] Now this is happening. [sips again and telports back to his chair] What the what? This cup has teleport properties. I'll harness your power later. [puts cup down]
I miss my old cup. What happened to it?
[black and white footage labeled "two days ago"] You know what? Let's end this madness. [Craig throws an exploding pen at his yellow cup and the nightstand it's sitting on explodes]
Oh that's right. The classic story. Man blows up nightstand. Man plugs in toaster next to bed and then accidentally knocks it into his whale tank and kills David Hasselhoff. Such a tragedy. I really miss that cup.
If only I had a time machine, which I do have, so I could go back in time and stop myself. And then that cup wouldn't have to die. And whatever else died. [gasps] Wait! I have a time machine! [gets up and runs towards time machine] Yippee! [Now offscreen:] Time travel noises.
[Black and white footage of Craig grooming his eyebrows and singing to himself:] Gettin' ready to blow up the water cup. [Time traveling Craig sneaks into the room from the kitchen as Craig admires himself:] Wow, you're beautiful. How'd you get to be so beautiful? Just natural, I guess. [Time traveling Craig picks up the nightstand] And a lot of work. [Time traveling Craig carries the nightstand into the kitchen] Okay... You know what? Let's end this madness. [turns towards the nightstand that's not there anymore] It's gone! Did I already blow it up? Or did me from the future come back to stop me for some reason? Or maybe I'm drunk again.
[Back in the present, Craig carries the nightstand with the yellow cup on it out of the kitchen and puts it down beside the bed] Woo hoo! [Takes a sip from the yellow cup] Mmm. Apparently I wasn't drunk after all. Actually, yeah, I was. Speaking of... [pours a beer into his yellow cup] Guess I'm not going into work today. [drinks] Mmm. That is the finest of hops and grains.
[An angelic noise can be heard as light from shiny David Hasselhoff emanates from the whale tank] [Craig gasps] Shiny-skinned David Hasselhoff is alive again! I mean, what? You were never dead. What?
Something's missing. [Holds up a plate of waffles] Mmm. Beer and waffles. I'll just use this unnecessarily large knife to cut. [Uses a butcher knife to cut the waffle] Okay... done with that. [Tosses the knife over his shoulder. It lands in the whale tank. The angelic music ends and the bright light disappears as shiny David Hasselhoff issues his dying sputters. Craig leans over and looks in the whale tank.] David? David? [looks at camera] David's dead again. Guess it was Fate.
[Craig eats his waffles, humming to himself] Oh *shirt* it's Free Bagel Friday! I'm running late. Don't let me down, number nine. [takes a sip from his teleporting cup. Teleports to the near the kitchen door.] Not exactly. [Goes to sip again.]
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels, singing to himself. Craig teleports to the bagel area.]
[Craig's boss:] What the what??!
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel.
[Craig's boss:] I'll give you this bagel but you're gonna have to work for it.
[Craig:] I work for you every day.
[Craig's boss:] Oh, that's right. Here you go. [Hands him the bagel]
[Craig:] Awesome. Great. [starts to walk away]
[Craig's boss:] Bup bup bup bup! Aren't you forgetting something?
[Craig:] Oh, I forgot! I'm sorry. That was really rude. [Punches his boss, who goes flying through air. Craig licks his fingertips very rapidly.] Ate the whole thing. [takes sip from his cup and teleports away.]
[Craig's boss, lying on the floor:] A thank you would have been nice.
[Craig teleports back to his apartment.]
Alright. Wink, please?
[Viewer:] I felt sorry for you because you didn't get a bagel last week. And so you can have this one. [holds up a bagel]
[Craig:] Gimme it! [goes to grab it]
[Viewer isn't holding bagel anymore.]
[Craig licks his fingertips very rapidly.] Already ate it.
[Viewer:] Oh *shirt*. [Winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. I'm thirsty.. [slides out/singing rug] for... [slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. I'm thirsty for your love. Yeah, or... and water. [slides out/singing rug]
[Craig's boss turns:] Buh-buh-buh-whaaat?
[Craig's boss turns:] Wha...wha..what?
[Craig's boss:] Bup bup bup bup! [starts laughing]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, exploding pens, whale tank, shiny David Hasselhoff, time travel, *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, wink, outtakes

Related videos

The video in which Craig blew up the nightstand and the yellow cup is There's a Death at the End of This Video.

External links

Teleporting Hologram Motorsports Water Cup on YouTube