[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Double up. Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns back to main camera angle] Octuple up. Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [looks up at another camera angle] Hey. [looks down at another camera angle] Hey. [main camera angle] Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns back to main camera angle] Hey. Centuple up. Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [looks up at another angle] Hey. [main camera angle] Hey. [looks down at another angle] Hey.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns to another camera angle] Hey. [turns back to main camera angle] Hey. [sighs, exhausted] I forgot centuple was a hundred. I gotta polish up on my upples.
[smoothing down his eyebrows] How are my eyebrows doing? Smoothing the eyebrows, smoothing the eyebrows.
So beardlovers, as you may recall, we are currently raising money to help end youth homelessness at dowhateverittakes dot org. So when they asked me, 'Hey Wheezy, you wanna help raise money for youth homelessness?' I'm like, 'I'm not for youth homelessness.' And they're like, 'Oh. Hahaha. No, we meant help end youth homelessness.' And I'm like, 'You got a serious syntax problem, buddy!' And they're like, 'We're more than one person.' And I'm like, 'Oh. My mistake. Buddies.' And they're like, 'You got a serious counting problem.' And I'm like, 'No I don't. That's like the eight...twen...twenty....twenty eighteenth time I've done that.' And they're like, 'See? We both got problems. You scratch our back. We'll scratch yours.' And I had a serious rash on my back at that time so I agree. And they asked how much money I wanted to raise, and I said thirty first twelvity dollars. And they said that's not really a number. So then I said five thousand dollars. And then I thought, wait. We're beardlovers. We can do more than that so then I decided to double it and make it seven thousand dollars. Ten thousand dollars. And we had purpledee three days [text over his mouth: 30] to raise that number of dollars. Well, guess what, beardlovers? We raised not twenty, not 47, not 96, not 112... [text onscreen: Purpledee Two minutes later] Not 9 thousand 9 hundred and 98, but ten thousand dollars! Actually ten thousand seventy right now.
We did it, beardlovers. And now it's time for me to pretend this is the world's reaction to our success. [Sound of applause. Craig acknowledges it, nodding and smiling.] Thank you. Oh please. Oh... oh... no... more... more please. [The applause continues. Craig laughs.] Whoa. Keep your shirts on, everybody. Haha. [Money rains down as the applause continues.] Wait, wait. You're throwing money? No. No. [Applause stops] This is for charity. [Picks up money] No... What are you doing?
Because we made our goal, I'll do what I promised. Jump out of a plane wearing only storm trooper boots. I didn't say that. Play a guitar solo in the desert in a top hot. No. I already did that when I was in Guns N' Roses. Eat four pounds of cottage cheese and soy sauce. No. That was breakfast. Okay, okay... Sing every song from Mamma Mia in one sitting. No, that was also at breakfast. Spelunker. That's just a noun.
Okay, I remember. I'm gonna build an igloo and sleep in it overnight and broadcast the whole thing live. Just gotta wait for some snow. And if no snow happens, I guess I'll just camp out all night.
[It's dark now.] Whoa! I just said 'night' and it got dark out. I wonder if it works with other words. Potato chips! [An arm appears holding out a bag of potato chips towards Craig] Oh, awesome! Hahaha. [whispers to camera] I don't know who that is holding that. I'm really freaked out right now.
But all camping and igloos and potato chips and strange intruders aside, beardlovers, for now we celebrate success! One person that's really happy that we're helping to end youth homelessness is Craig with a Wig.
[Craig with a Wig:] If they succeed in ending youth homelessness, that's one less thing. I hate all things. Yay. [He turns his head and his theme song plays:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig smiles.] [toy piano key]
So beardlovers, I just wanna take a moment to tell you how thankful I am to have such a supportive group of people. [A clone emerges from the kitchen, playing keyboard.] No editing here. You never cease to amaze me. And amazement leads to motivation for me. [Another clone emerges from the bathroom] And motivation leads to doing stuff. And doing stuff leads to me being tired. And being tired leads to sleep. And I love sleep. So, without further ado, my clones here are gonna sing you a song.
[Quiet Clone sings in the background. He sings too faintly to be heard.]
[Craig:] Uh... I shouldn't have had Quiet Clone do the singing.
[Quiet Clone keeps singing, gesturing as he sings.]
[Craig turns and watches them:] What? I... I can't hear anything.
[Quiet Clone gestures dramatically as he sings.]
[Craig turns to camera and sighs. The arm with the bag of chips enters the frame]
Oh god! The chip guy's back. [yelps in fear]
[Winker sings outro theme as the Wheezy Waiter shadow outro graphic can be seen in the lower lefthand corner.] Wheezy Waiter. [He winks (ding).]
[Craig looks down at camera angle] Hey. [He looks up. In the background, we can hear an ambulance. Craig turns towards the window.] Ugh. Ambulance! All I have to say is 'Hey.' Just... could you stop for, like, three seconds? Nah. Prob... Don't. There's someone... someone's injury is in the balance. You should probably be on your way. I can wait. Okay, we're good. Okay. I rationalized my way through that anger.
singing rug, beardlovers, Craig with a Wig, clone, Quiet clone, outtakes
Success! on YouTube