|Original Upload date||April 15, 2010|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||thebryanelston|
[slides in/singing rug] [Craig appears to be asleep. A clone enters.]
[Clone:] Hey, wake up!
[Craig wakes with a start, raises a gun, fires, and the clone falls down dead.]
Ahh, I gotta stop sleeping with a gun in my hand. Alligators are gonna be eating well this week. [starts to get up]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So yesterday I mentioned the seven-year-old Russian boy sent back to Russia by his adoptive parents. And now Russia wants to suspend all U.S. adoptions. [shows headline and still of a man from the video accompanying the story] If anyone tries it, they get sucked into this guy's ear.
[closeup of video box accompanying article. An accented voice says:] Click it to play.
Hmm? I... I don't... I don't wanna..
[closeup of video box accompanying article. An accented voice says:] Click it, babushka.
No. I don't... I don't wanna...
[closeup of video box accompanying article. An accented voice says:] Click it to play. I like to drink vodka.
[closeup of video box accompanying article. An accented voice says:] Click it!
[Craig sighs] Alright. [Clicks his computer and gets sucked out of frame.] Aaaaaaa!
Just kidding! You totally thought I was gonna be sucked into that Russian guy's ear. Hehe. [sighs] Things I thought I'd never say.
Well, I guess I can cross "Adopt Russian child, train to be a spy" off the list of things I wanna do. [holds up list on which that item has already been crossed off]
You mess with the Iron Curtain, you're gonna get rug burn! Or have your clothes neatly pressed... by an iron... something.
My lack of knowledge of Russian culture is painfully evident in this video, isn't it? Russia was the only country left that didn't figure out I was a stupid jerk! I guess there's still Sweden. Must hold onto Sweden.
Hey Sweden. Love the Swiss cheese. Or... is that Switzerland.
What's the difference, right? That was the wrong thing to say.
That settles it. I'm an American. I think I'm gonna call my mom and tell her. [opens phone, but then closes it] Nope. It's something you gotta say in person.
Those last few jokes were for the people outside the US. For you US folks, the rest of the world sucks, am I right? Gimme a high five! Not you! You're not from this country. Oh. Canada? Well, that's like northern US. That's okay. [puts up his hand for a high five] Here you go. Hehe. We the people. America the brave. Buy American. Support our troops. Freedom isn't free. Old fart on board. Honk if you're horn... [takes his hand down from the high five position] Okay, those last few bumper sticker quotes don't work.
Now I think the coffee's done. [turns to alternate camera angle] I love it when the coffee's done! [turns back to main camera angle] And I love my country. [Puts his hand to forehead for salute and puts other hand on his chest] Coffee salute! [Salutes and when he brings his hand back from the salute, he's holding coffee mug.] I also love the rest of the world. Don't hate me just because I'm an insensitive jerk. I have a good heart. 60 to 100 bpm most days. [sips coffee] Mmm. This coffee tastes like ... forgiveness? [Puts his forefinger on his lip and twirls his finger coyly. Then his finger makes it up into his nostril.] What? Did you say something?
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[outtakes:] What's the difference, right? [winces] Why did I say that? I'm such an American.
Things I want to do
- Work in a factory
- Join a cult
- Break out of jail
- Adopt Russian child/train them to be a spy [crossed out]
- Eat sushi ... again
- Speak in tongues
- Do a kick flip
- Fall in like
Stupid American on YouTube