State of the Beard

From Wheezy Wiki

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey, good morning, beardlovers. You guys are great. I like you guys a lot.
[turns to alternate camera angle:] Good morning facelovers. [looks disgusted, shakes his head] [turns back to main camera]
Eat beard! [Puts his beard up to camera]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
How is it? Tasty, right? Yeah, I sprinkled in a little cilantro earlier.
[turns to alternate camera angle:] You probably hate cilantro, don't you? [turns back to main camera]
So the president of the United States, Barack Obama, is giving his State of the Union today. It just so happens that coincides with my State of the Beard.
[closeup:] The beard is good.
To this day, the beard makes you look like a warm, laid-back, lovable, cuddly, yet manly rugged beast of a man with manly man parts.
[closeup:] The beard is strong.
Some people say the beard makes you look lazy.
[turns to alternate camera angle, shakes his head, looks angry, raises fist. turns back to main camera]
Why do people think that? Do they think because you're not shaving you're not on top of things? Well...
[standing near bookshelf] Look at all these movies and music and books that I have.
It takes time and mental agility to craft a finely honed appreciation for the work of your fellow man. Or beardless. I mean woman.
[closeup:] The beard is smart.
Plus [Craig is in the kitchen, calls out to the camera:] I own a kitchen table!
Buying your own kitchen table is responsibility. Well, I got that one from my parents, but I know a lot of people with beards who bought their own kitchen table.
[closeup:] The beard is domestically responsible.
Some people have a problem with the beard during intimacy.
[turns to alternate camera angle:] You don't know what love is! [turns back to main camera]
These people likely grew up expecting everything to be handed to them in a neatly wrapped package with no surprises such as a fluffy sitcom like Full House.
[closeup:] The beard is Roseanne.
At first it's painful and scary but if you stay around a while, you'll eventually acquire a taste for it that's deeper and more rewarding.
[turns to alternate camera angle:] Nyah!! [turns back to main camera]
A facelover would act like this. Oww, husband! That beard hurts! You better shave or you're sleeping on the couch! [The audience laughs. Craig smiles.]
A potential beardlover reacts like this. Oww! Your face hurts! I wanna know you.
[closeup:] The beard hurts so good.
Now I'm not saying everyone has to like beards.
[turns to alternate camera angle and mouthes "F you". Turns back to main camera angle.]
But all of you with beards out there, the next time you come across a facelover, just kindly inform them...
[closeup:] The beard is me.
And then give them crazy eyes.
[turns to alternate camera angle and makes a crazy face.]
[Winker, with a beard drawn on their face:] This is my beard. I can't grow a real one. Anyways... [winks (ding)]
[Another winker:] Dude, I spent a month of itchy face [scratches beard] just so I could send you a wink. [winks (ding)]
[Another winker plays outro theme as Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro graphic is superimposed over him for a moment before he winks (ding) and goes on to sing:] I have a beard. Just like you.
[Craig, standing outside:] Hey commenters, what do you like or [coughs] dislike about the beard? One thing that I like is I can frolic in 12-degree weather with my shirt off. [runs away from camera, shirtless, runs through a field with snow on it, leaping up and frolicking. Camera zooms in as he continues to run.]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, facelovers, "eat beard!", laugh track, wink

External links

State of the Beard on YouTube